It was supposed to happen, but hasn’t yet.

Meet singles in their 20s who still haven’t found Mr. or Mrs. Right, but who refuse to be defined by their singleness. Not content to live with Mom and Dad until their bashert arrives, these singles have moved out and on their own, preparing the nest for a partner and gaining vital life skills for a productive future.

But it’s not easy. There’s work and school to juggle, not to mention paying the bills, arranging Shabbos plans, and fashioning some kind of social life. All this, along with the pressure of dating and marriage.

Meet the singles who have decided to fly the coop, and wouldn’t have it any other way.

Name: Avigail Silver

Age : 25

Employment: Speech therapist

Income after taxes: $2,700/month for ten months a year, $30/month babysitting, summer job $2,000.

Rent: $400/month

Utilities: $100/month

Food: $150/month

Medical insurance: Copays about $200/year on parents’ insurance

Auto financing: $500/month

Auto insurance: $200/month

Gas: $60/month

Student loans: $0

Entertainment including gym membership: $190/month

Trip budget: $125/month

Grooming: $40/month

Maaser: $300/month

Shul membership: $50/month

Phone bill: $60/month

Clothing/accessories: $150/month

Flight expenses: $600/year

Prepare for the Future, But Live in the Present

Growing up, we lived on the outskirts of the frum community in Cleveland. My little sister has Down syndrome and my parents chose to live in our neighborhood so she could get the best education possible. It didn’t affect me much. I had a great social life in school, would hang out with friends during my free time, and spend Shabbos in their homes. I didn’t grow up wealthy by any means, but we never felt deprived. Still, with the challenges that a child with special needs brings, I never wanted to add to their burden, so I was pretty independent from the get-go.

I babysat and worked in day camps in the summer, and always saved money for my own luxuries and even necessities. My parents were happy to give me money, but I preferred not to ask them.

I graduated high school, went to seminary with all my friends, and returned with hopes of an imminent engagement. I dated throughout college, but lived at home. I paid off as much college debt as possible because I didn’t want to owe money once I got married. I was exhausted every week, so I barely got to go away for Shabbos in college. Most singles hope to get married before they graduate, but if they don’t, it’s not exactly par for the course, or very “acceptable” to move out.

My parents were very supportive when I told them that I was ready to leave the nest. They didn’t feel rejected or nervous. They empowered me to be independent my whole life, knew that I had the skills to pull it off, and actually wanted me to get a taste of real life — bill paying, housekeeping, and shopping — before I was thrust into marriage. I knew that I wanted someone in learning for the first few years, so this was a great school-of-life opportunity.

My friends didn’t think that what I did was unusual. In fact, many were jealous. Because my reason for moving was practical — being closer to friends, to the frum community, and to work — it was acceptable. Many of my friends felt stifled at home, but the idea of moving out was “pas nisht” according to their parents. The shidduch landscape has changed so much over the past few years, but now it’s not unusual for a 23-, 24-, or 25-year-old to be single and living at home.

I know that my parents don’t doubt my ability to find a husband, but having a distance between us during the week relieved some of the pressure I felt to get married. I was lucky enough to find a few friends who also needed to rent, and we found a great house. Since it isn’t far from my home, I took the smallest room and pay only $400 per month.

My food expenses aren’t so high, though it’s difficult buying one piece of chicken and one potato and one carrot for a meal. I also don’t have a lot of fridge space, so I end up wasting a lot of money on food that I might throw out. Sometimes it’s easier to just have takeout or leftovers from my mother.

I’m very careful with all my expenses. I put away money for a yearly get-away because I need it for my mental and spiritual health. I want to put away more money, but I won’t compromise on my life. I can’t live with the “I better save every penny for marriage,” because I don’t want to ever get to the point of resenting being single.

Going away with single friends who don’t need to watch every expense can sometimes be frustrating. One time we went someplace where it was $75 for zip lining for half an hour. I was not ready to part with money like that for such a fleeting experience, and I hated being made to feel cheap when it was a drop in the bucket for a friend who doesn’t for pay rent or food. I think it’s a misapprehension that people in shidduchim have a lot of money saved.

People might say, “If you have a perfectly good home, go live there.” I know I would save over $8,000 a year living at home. But I would not be as happy as I am today. Baruch Hashem, I have not found that living away from home has prevented me from getting dates. I have put away a nest egg for when my bashert comes. Till then, I want to live a normal life and grow as much as possible.