CLOSED DOOR “You can’t possibly care for her yourselves” they told us. “She needs round-the-clock attention. She’s immobile. You’re not equipped for this”

W hat do you do when you miss your mother-in-law?

Some people would say “Reload and shoot again.”

Personally I’ve never been able to understand this or any other mother-in-law jokes. It’s been six years since my mother-in-law’s passing yet each time I think about her loss I tear up anew.

Mom who was not religious came from the United States to Israel at age 67 to live with us. She had three daughters living in the US but none in her city and she wanted to be closer to her children. When she informed us that she wanted to live out her remaining years near us my husband Daniel and I felt as though we had won the lottery.

Years earlier when we purchased our apartment we made sure to look for a place that had a separate unit where she could stay so when she came to live with us she had her own little apartment downstairs from us. It was the best of both worlds: She could be with us and we could all have our privacy.

When people heard that my mother-in-law was moving in they thought I was crazy. But in the decade she lived with us I never once thought to myself that I’d rather not be living with her.

Mom did not have an easy life. She lost her mother when she was a little girl after which she spent several years in an orphanage until her father remarried. Her own marriage was no picnic and eventually she got divorced. But instead of breaking her the adversity she faced built her into a stronger person who knew how to appreciate the good in life and in people.

Despite her personal struggles she was a pleasure to have around. She was forever complimenting me: “You’re such a good mommy ” she would tell me. (Whose mother-in-law says that?) When she’d sit with us at the table she would always tell me how delicious the food was. If I used a new recipe she’d be the first one to notice and call attention to how good it was.

In all the years I knew her I never saw her yell or lose her temper with anyone. Nor do I remember her ever criticizing me or the children. If one of the kids was doing something that needed adult intervention she would say to my husband or me “You might want to check what’s going on in the other room.” She would say this in a low-key nonthreatening way that made me appreciate the tip-off rather than feel irritated by it.

You couldn’t feel irritated with her because she had a knack for intuiting how to make people comfortable. She knew what to say and what not to say when to be there and when to make herself scarce. She would always knock before entering our house and if she ever came in when Daniel and I were talking about something she would quickly slip away. If she sensed that we needed to talk she’d say “See you later I’m going downstairs now.” Because she was so sensitive to our needs we never felt that we wanted her to leave or give us space. (Excerpted from Mishpacha Issue 664)