Photo: Shutterstock

T

o Aryeh my dear husband in Gan Eden

Now that the Tishrei whirlwind is behind us I finally have time to collect my thoughts and share them with you.

It’s been a busy month down here in Olam Hazeh. Back when you were alive Tishrei was also a busy time for me but in a very different way. Remember how everyone wanted to come to us for Rosh Hashanah and Succos and we had to figure out where everyone would sleep? Remember how you used to insist that I limit the company to two families at a time because you said I wouldn’t be able to enjoy it if I had too many people?

Things aren’t quite the same anymore. You always said that the kids and grandchildren came to our house for Bubby’s delicious food but apparently it was Zeidy’s Kiddush zemiros and divrei Torah that drew them — because I’m still as good a cook now as I used to be but somehow no one wants to come to our house anymore.

When I asked Suri if she and Chezky would want to come for Rosh Hashanah with the kids she said “Oh Ma it’s such a shlep for all six of us to come to you. It’s easier for us to have you.”

It was tempting to tell her that it’s been years since I’ve been home for Yom Tov and that I would actually enjoy sleeping in my own bed on Rosh Hashanah davening in my shul and playing the role of hostess for a change. But I understand that it’s hard for them to come and I’m sure they want to daven in their shul. So I agreed once again to make the trip out to them.

Still Aryeh don’t you think that once in a while they could come to me? I haven’t hosted any of the kids for Shabbos in over two years. They visit me during the week and sometimes they stay for supper but it’s not the same as hosting them for Shabbos or Yom Tov. They just don’t want to be here. I guess it’s depressing for them now that you’re not around. If there’s anyone who can understand that it’s me.

So I smile bravely pack my bags and head out to whichever child is having me over.

That’s another thing Aryeh. I never know ahead of time where I’m going to be for any particular Yom Tov. The kids are very kind about hosting me — they always ask me to join them for Yom Tov and when I’m there they make me feel so comfortable and welcome. Here and there they invite me for Shabbos too. I see how it is though. If they have other company they invite them well in advance. But me — I find out just a few days before Yom Tov who’s having me and if I get a Shabbos invitation it’s never before Thursday.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m grateful to the children for having me. It’s just hard not to feel like I’m a burden when I get these last-minute invitations. Also I want to bring presents for the kids and if I don’t know where I’m going to be how can I buy the right items? This one likes Clics and that one likes books and the other one likes baseball equipment….

Sometimes the kids call me up on Friday and say “Oh Ma we’re having some guests why don’t you join us for Shabbos?” How do I explain to them that it’s a little insulting to get that kind of invitation? It’s kind of them to include me in their plans but I can’t help but feel that I’m an afterthought.

The same thing happens with the neighbors. Remember the Kleins from across the street? Sometimes if Raizy Klein sees that the lights are on in the house Shabbos morning she’ll knock on the door and invite me over for the day meal so that I shouldn’t have to eat alone. Sometimes I accept the invitation sometimes I don’t. What I really want to tell her is “I appreciate the invitation but I’d appreciate it a lot more if you’d pick up the phone and call me earlier in the week instead of waiting until the last minute. By now I’ve already cooked Shabbos for myself — what do you expect me to do with my cholent?”

I keep all this to myself because I don’t want to be ungracious. I just wish there was a way to get people to understand what it’s like to be in my position. Shabbos is such a lonely time for me — I can’t even pick up the phone and call someone. Come the evening after an entire day of not talking to anyone I often find myself staring at the door in the hopes that maybe just maybe someone will decide to join me this week for Shalosh Seudos.

Aryeh I know what you’re thinking: Don’t wait for people to come to you — invite your own company! And you know what? I’ve tried that. When you were alive we often had neighbors and friends over for meals and since you’ve passed on I’ve invited those same people many times. Invariably their answer is “Oh it’s better if you come to us.” No one wants to be a guest at the home of a widow.

So now you’re thinking Why don’t you take them up on their invitations? Well the answer is that it’s not really an invitation. Recently I had a conversation with my friend Malka that went like this:

Me: “Hi Malka I’m wondering if you and your husband would like to join me for the meal Shabbos day.”

Her: “Oh… I don’t think it will work for us to come to you this week… and anyway we’d rather have you over.”

Tell me Aryeh is that an invitation? Have I been asked to join them for a meal or was Malka’s answer just a way of turning me down without actually saying no? One thing I can tell you — it’s never happened that someone called me up after Shabbos following such a conversation and said “We were expecting you to be our guest yesterday! Where were you?”

When I extend an invitation I make sure it’s specific: “I’d love to have you over this Friday night.” But when people invite me it’s usually a vague invitation: “You should come over for a meal sometime.” Or “We’d really love to have you over one of these days.” Does that mean I have to call them up and ask to come when I feel like eating a meal with them? I can’t imagine myself doing that. I’m not a yeshivah bochur or a seminary girl — I’m a 65-year-old bubby!

Rare — very rare — is the time when I actually get a call from someone in middle of the week asking me to eat a Shabbos meal with them.

I hardly go out at all on Shabbos. During the week I have my chesed work my errands my shiurim. (If you’re wondering what happened to my job they eased me into retirement a few years ago…. Apparently employees in their 60s are not very desirable decades of experience notwithstanding.) But on Shabbos I have nowhere to go.

When you were alive I usually went to shul at least after the children grew up. After your petirah I continued going to shul for a while but at some point I stopped. It was just too painful for me to walk out of the women’s section and see all the husbands waiting for their wives the way you used to wait for me.