I had prepared an index card with notes to remind myself of all of the points I wanted to convey and when I sat back down I took out the card and said, “There’s something I’d like to tell you.”

You know the fellow in the yeshivah who’s single and no one can understand why?

The top bochur who gets redt tons of shidduchim who comes from a nice family and who has wonderful middos a great personality and loads of friends but still isn’t married?

That’s me. In the two years I’ve been “in the parshah” I’ve gone out with maybe ten girls. Not for lack of suggestions mind you — my mother has hundreds of résumés in her shidduch folder. The problem is that I have baggage.

What is it you’re wondering? That’s precisely the problem. Frankly it’s none of your business. It’s information that I’ll share with the right person at the right time — which my rebbeim have advised me is when a shidduch starts to get serious. I would never consider marrying someone without telling her this information. But I can’t have the information disclosed before I reach a certain point in a shidduch because then the shidduch will never get off the ground.

I’ll put it to you bluntly: Would you or your child want to marry someone who suffers from depression and anxiety?

I know I wouldn’t at least if that were all I knew about the person. But if I were to discover this information after meeting a girl several times when I would be able to see her as a whole person and not as a problem I would certainly give her the courtesy of researching the issue and consulting with experts before making my decision.

I can’t say I’ve received that courtesy even though my condition has been under control for several years and I know how to manage it effectively. I pushed off starting shidduchim until my rebbeim my therapist and I were confident that I was ready to get married. I’ve been to therapy I’m on a good stable medication regimen and I am a fully functioning adult leading a successful life. As I mentioned I’m considered a top bochur — I repeat that not out of arrogance but because the words “depression” and “anxiety” have a way of clouding people’s perception of me (as well as my perception of myself).

Once I got up to a fifth date with a wonderful girl. The date was going really well and I thought we had turned the corner in our relationship. “I never had a shidduch that went this far,” she told me her voice tinged with excitement.

During that date we went out to a restaurant where we talked about the foundations we wanted to build our home upon. At one point she noticed that I seemed uncomfortable. “Is everything okay?” she asked.

“Uh, yes,” I stammered. Then I excused myself and went to the restroom where I faced myself in the mirror gave myself a big smile and said “Okay Chaim here we go!”

I proceeded back to our table my insides quaking. I had prepared an index card with notes to remind myself of all of the points I wanted to convey and when I sat back down I took out the card and said, “There’s something I’d like to tell you.”