How We Do An Upsheren
How much will that first haircut trim down your budget?
How do you celebrate and how much do you spend?
My sister-in-law who does graphics made an invitation for us that we emailed and texted to some people. The same talented sister-in-law took pictures of my son a few weeks before — we didn’t have a professional photographer. We all wore what we had from that season. We didn’t serve a full meal — more of a buffet of small desserts. My sister made us a beautiful tzitzis cake and some relatives made other things.
–Dov and Leah Ackerman
We make a party at our house. For our first couple of boys, we printed photo invitations that were cute but quite expensive, so eventually we moved to paperless post. We don’t get special upsheren outfits, we just wear our nicest Shabbos outfits. My husband has an excellent camera so he takes the pictures, but I do splurge on one professional upsheren picture. I’ll look for deals for that.
–Leah Lowy
So far, we’ve had five upsherens and they were all different. For the first one, I went completely over the top, rented out a shul, created a slideshow, prepared fancy pekelach. My second one was a little less fancy, but also pretty extravagant — we even had relatives fly in from out of town for the event. Those two were over 15 years ago and I no longer remember exact costs.
Since then, I started having the upsherens at the local Chabad house or at home, and have scaled down a lot. No more slide show, much cheaper pekelach. I never really spent money on invitations — even for the first two, I think I just made phone calls. For the past three we sent out invitations on WhatsApp. We never bought outfits for an upsheren and never paid for a photographer. Food is probably about $150 to $200-ish.
–Chaya S.
I only have one son, and I went all out to make it special. The theme was circus. Invites were $225 ($2.25 each on Shutterfly; we sent out 100); his outfit was $85 (in hindsight, I should have splurged on something for myself as well); photographer – $125; shul rental – $250; pekelach (which included candy, chips, cotton candy and a drink) – $150; 25 custom cookies at $2.50/each – $62.50; 24 custom cupcakes – $70; two-tier custom cakes – $85. The total cost of the rest of food was almost $700. At the cheder the next day, it was immediate family only. I made honey cake and 22 pekelach — the cost was about $50, and another $100 for the photographer.
–Shayna
I have a party at home for all our friends, and take the boy to cheder where he gives out pekelach and honey cake, just regular, normal upsheren stuff. One son is more outgoing and could handle all the excitement on the same day; for my other son, I broke it up over a few days.
In total, I spend about $700 to $800. For invitations, I pay someone to create one digitally and then email or WhatsApp it to everyone. I bought or borrowed special outfits for all the kids. I was willing to hire a photographer for $200, but she ended up canceling and I used my phone to take pictures. The pictures actually turned out great — many people asked who I’d used for my photographer! We also gave out goodie bags.
–Baily W.
Each upsheren was different, depending on the season and the kid. We generally printed out a nice picture of my son and made the invitation ourselves which we photocopied and mailed out to people. (That probably cost about $30 to $50, including stamps.) We don’t do special outfits. At the first two, a friend who was a professional photographer offered to take pictures for free.
For our first, we rented out a shul (I think about $200), bought a fancy cake (about $50), and the rest was regular party food (maybe $100). It was the first simchah that we really made as parents (our parents organized the brissim), and were excited to feel like real adults. We just did whatever we wanted. By the second one, I learned where to cut corners to save money but still made it cute.
As people offered to bake, I took them up on it. For one son, we held it at a local park and for our last ones we held it at our own house. Our goodie bags also got simpler — for my first son, it was something like $3 each of assorted nosh in 50 goodie bags. By my last one, it was closer to $50 for all the goodie bags.
–Rivky B.
What’s the most expensive part of your upsheren?
I think the only thing we actually spent money on was paying the barber to come to our house and the pekelach that we bought. I don’t remember the exact price but it was pretty minimal.
–Dov and Leah Ackerman
The food and paper goods probably added up to a few hundred dollars each time.
–Leah Lowy
The food adds up, even though I make most of it myself.
– Chaya S.
Food.
–Shayna
The food, definitely… I had even bought cake-cicles for $4 apiece and custom cookies.
–Baily W.
Probably the food and goodie bags.
–Rivky B.
What did you serve?
A fruit platter, tzitzis cake, chocolate lollipops and mini cupcakes.
–Dov and Leah Ackerman
The menu varied for each child; it got progressively better.
–Leah Lowy
Usually lasagna, pasta, a few salads and cookies… or some variation. Sometimes garlic bread, sometimes soups, sometimes more desserts (especially if relatives are offering to help with that!). And I always make my trademark super-easy tzizis Rice Krispie cake.
– Chaya S.
I made everything myself: macaroni and cheese, Greek salad, breadsticks, fruit salad, veggie trays, caramel apples on sticks, popcorn, chocolate covered marshmallows, tzizis cake, chocolate lollies. There was also assorted candy and drinks.
–Shayna
Both were drop-in parties with mostly baked goods, drinks and snacks.
– Baily W.
The first one had a big, fancy cake and probably random party food/nosh. The second had cookies (made by a relative) and a Rice Krispie yarmulke and tzizis cake. The rest I don’t even remember even though they were more recent — because by then I spent less time thinking about it.
–Rivky B.
What’s something you later wished you had done or didn’t do?
We were happy with our small affair.
–Dov and Leah Ackerman
By one of the upsherens, we were so focused on everything looking the way it should that we didn’t concentrate on the ruchniyus parts enough… I was so upset when I realized.
–Leah Lowy
Nothing really sticks out, but I tweaked them as the years went by.
–Chaya S.
We received a lot of compliments on the party (even now, years later). It was a lot of fun and very memorable. That being said, I literally ran myself ragged with minimal help. I stayed up the night before cooking, so I was exhausted. If I could go back, I would have done something smaller and ordered the food. I also would have included buying myself something new or getting my nails done in the budget. None of that was on my radar at the time. It was a great party for everyone else, but in the end, I was much too exhausted to even enjoy it.
–Shayna
For my first son, I didn’t know there was a custom to have honey cake, so for the second I made sure to get a nice honey cake and even ordered sugar sheets from New York to put on it. Another regret with the first was that I didn’t really adequately prepare my son for his haircut — when the barber pulled out the shaver, he started crying hysterically and things went downhill from there. For the next son, I introduced him to the concept very early — we read books together, he watched his brother get haircuts. He was much more prepared.
–Baily W.
I learned this at our very first upsheren: If you don’t have a formal ending, some people will stick around after the party is over and will just be schmoozing with each other and getting on your nerves as you try to vacuum around their feet. For the next one, I made it shorter and invited a professional barber ($15) to come ten minutes before the party was over. He cut our son’s hair, everyone clapped and “awwwed,” and then thankfully they all left. And having a barber come down also means one less thing on my to-do list for the next day. Wouldn’t have an upsheren without one at this point!
–Rivky B.
Do you do family-only, or a wider guest list?
It was mainly for family, but a few neighbors stopped by.
–Dov and Leah Ackerman
We have a very small family here, so we have a much wider guest list. We also look at it as an opportunity to invite and include people, as it’s a l’chayim style event.
This worked for us until our last son’s upsheren — it took place during lockdown. The restrictions meant we were only allowed two guests, so we had a Kohein come to us (according to a minhag), and then we took him to two rabbis’ houses so they could cut his hair. We also held a Zoom CASS for close relatives overseas. We made small food packages, wrote a poem, included coins to give to tzedakah and delivered them to close friends. (Total was maybe less than $50 for everything.)
–Leah Lowy
A much wider guest list. We even put our invitations as our WhatsApp statuses — whoever wants to come is welcome.
– Chaya S.
Family and friends. The whole shul was invited.
–Shayna
It was mostly just friends because my family lives far away. For my first upsheren, they all flew in, but the second took place during the pandemic so they couldn’t attend. For the first we had about 75 people, for the second we had about 40.
–Baily W.
We invite everyone: relatives, friends, neighbors and kids from his playgroup.
–Rivky B.
Do you bring entertainment?
No.
–Dov and Leah Ackerman
Absolutely not!
–Leah Lowy
Nothing professional. At a couple of them, we had alef-beis coloring sheets for the kids.
– Chaya S.
To match with the circus theme, we had teenagers manning “booths” with games and giving out prizes. Music was on an iPod. It was probably another $100 for props and items for the games, all mostly handmade.
–Shayna
Nothing professional… but at my oldest son’s, we set up activity stations. The theme was construction, so we had sign-the-construction-hat, dress-up like a construction worker, and other construction-related arts and crafts. For the second, since it was during the pandemic, I didn’t want people to stay too long, so there were no activities, and I prepared all the food to go.
–Baily W.
No. We did one at a local park, and that was the entertainment. One was at a shul that had just hosted a carnival and we asked them to keep up the moon bounce an extra day, which they did — at no cost. Our last one was a drive-by event because of the pandemic. But we usually consider the barber cutting the boy’s hair the entertainment.
–Rivky B.
Which of your upsherens were most successful, however you define that?
They were each great for different reasons. A happy kid and happy family are enough of a success for me.
–Leah Lowy
They were all successful and beautiful events. It’s interesting that I feel that way about all of them even though the first two were much more elaborate. To me, ultimately, a successful upshern is one with family and friends getting together to celebrate in a warm and joyful atmosphere, and the upsheren boy himself feeling like it’s a special day.
– Chaya S.
They were pretty similar albeit with small tweaks. For the most part, we had the same set up, snacks, etc., and both were successful and beautiful events
–Baily W.
They were all really nice, baruch Hashem, but probably the most memorable one was the one at the park. The kids had fun at no expense, the weather was beautiful, and the pictures turned out adorable.
–Rivky B.
(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 910)
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