An incredible message about procrastination and how time alone can drastically alter something

Give a Matzah Message

Dina Schoonmaker

Matzah and chometz contain the same exact ingredients; time is the only thing that distinguishes them from each other. While matzah is a mitzvah, chometz is a completely different entity that is forbidden on Pesach.

This teaches us an incredible message about procrastination and how time alone can drastically alter something. An action pushed off for too long is not only a late version of that action, it can give over a completely different message.

When we respond to a milestone in a timely manner (such as a mazel tov for a simchah or condolences for a tragedy), we send a message that we care and that this is something important to us. Procrastinating those wishes — the same words just delayed — sends the opposite message.

When a loved one asks us to take care of something, doing it promptly sends a “matzah message.” We show them their value by caring about what they need. Delaying the act, and causing them to repeat their request, lets it become chometz and shows a lack of concern.

Saying an immediate yes when asked for a favor and not letting it “rise,” gives a message of support.

Yet there’s a disclaimer to all this. We know that women are exempt from mitzvas aseih shehazeman grama. Our relationship to time is different than men’s and we often have responsibilities out of our control that fill our time. If a woman has a valid reason to not jump at doing a favor for someone, that’s fine; we just need to be aware if the hesitation is coming from legitimate inability or an “I can’t be bothered” place.

Zerizus can also apply in the realm of relationships. The Orchos Tzaddikim gives enlightening examples of the middah of zerizus from the pasuk in Tehillim: bakeish shalom v’rodfeihu. There are two ways to make peace with someone after an argument, he explains. Being proactive to get things back on track and making up with the person is the “matzah way.” Letting it rise and lengthening the animosity is the “chometz way.”

The Orchos Tzaddikim also recommends zerizus as a way to efficiently distract ourselves from negative thinking. When we’re triggered and in a bad mood, validating our feelings and then regulating ourselves is the correct way to go. Wallowing in pity and allowing ourselves to continue moping, letting the bad mood take over, is “letting it rise.”

Interestingly, Daniel Goleman, in his book Emotional Intelligence, writes that anger peaks after 20 minutes, at which point it becomes harder to regulate yourself; matzah is baked within 18 minutes. Use this as a reminder to not let the anger turn to chometz.

This core concept is also true bein adam l’Makom. A tefillah said first thing in the morning sends a completely different message than one stuck in right before chatzos.

Hashem created us from dust and we all have those dust-like heavy tendencies. Our goal is to energize ourselves, and by acting quickly and not letting our relationship with Hashem get pushed to the side, we ensure that our avodas Hashem doesn’t stagnate.

May we be zocheh to use the matzah version in all areas of our life.

Dina Schoonmaker has been teaching in Michlalah Jerusalem College for over 30 years. She gives women’s vaadim and lectures internationally on topics of personal development.

Is This a Problem?

Zipora Schuck MA, MS

The rebbi, morah, or teacher called to let you know that your child is struggling in some way, or maybe you’ve noticed it on your own. Perhaps your son or daughter is having difficulty socially, or with sustaining attention or self-regulation, or maybe they struggle academically with reading or comprehension, or with any other area of childhood expectations.

Erring on the side of wanting to downplay the concern, some parents view their child’s challenge as a personality trait, and chalk it up to temperament (he was born like this), genetics (from my husband’s side), family dynamics (all my kids are like this), style (I’m the same way), or fantasies (she’ll be a late bloomer — my other kids also were). That type of reasoning may very well be true… but how do we know when this challenging personality trait may be a real problem?

The easy answer is it’s a problem when it’s problematic.

Children are tasked with three main areas of focus during their growth and maturation — they need to learn, they need to have friends, and they need to play. These same three tasks accompany us through adulthood. Learning becomes meaningful work and productivity in and out of our homes. Having friends morphs into forming meaningful relationships with others. Play develops into being able to find pleasure in daily life.

If anyone’s inborn or learned “traits” are interfering to a great degree with one or more of these areas of focus, then it has become problematic. And it necessitates that the adults who have noticed this support some intervention.

The first and most basic area of intervention are environmental changes — what can we do in the classroom, in the daily routine, or at home that will accommodate, alleviate, or compensate? If that’s been tried and hasn’t been effective, then we concentrate on what strategies we use as a teacher or parent to help the child, channeling or changing a weakness into a strength. If that’s still not sufficient, then we may want to consider asking an expert to weigh in on whether this challenge could be helped with intervention from a professional or specialist.

Remember: Running away from a problem only increases the distance to the solution.

Zipora Schuck MA, MS, is a NYS school psychologist and educational consultant for many schools in the NY/NJ area. She works with students, teachers, principals, and parents to help children be successful.

Ditch the Guilt 

Shira Savit

IF you feel upset or regretful about what or how you just ate, consider this: Beating yourself up for your actions will cause a lot more damage than the calories you just consumed. Let go of the guilt, and give yourself a hug for your humanness.

Shira Savit, MA, MHC, INHC is a mental health counselor and integrative nutritionist who specializes in emotional eating, binge eating, and somatic nutrition. Shira works both virtually and in person in Jerusalem.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 789)