Strategies for intentional living from experts who get it

Just Asking?

Shoshana Schwartz

Mom: Chanaleh, you’ll be home right after school today?

Chana: No, I’m going to the ice cream store.

Mom: Really? Didn’t you go last week?

Chana: (incoherent mumble as she huffs off to her room)

Mom: I just asked a simple question!

We’ve all been there. You ask what seems like a simple question, and suddenly the other person gets annoyed, defensive, or shuts down. What happened?

Sometimes what sounds like a question isn’t really a question at all.

The purpose of a question is to express curiosity or interest. Curiosity means you want to discover what the other person is thinking, feeling, or planning. Interest means their experience matters to you, and you want to be part of it, even just by knowing about it. At their best, questions create connection.

But some questions seem curious while actually serving a different purpose: to influence.

You ask your preteen, “You’re baking cookies now?” You ask a coworker: “Are you taking off early again today?” You ask a friend: “Are you really going to read that book?”

These inquiries are shaped like questions, but their purpose isn’t to learn, it’s to steer, redirect, or correct. These “questions” may express concern, judgment, or subtle disapproval.

What makes this tricky is that quasi-questions often come from a place of sincere concern. You want to help someone avoid a mistake. You want them to think things through. And the higher the stakes — applying to school, shidduchim, job decisions, relocating — the stronger the impulse to encourage reflection, offer alternatives, or urge more caution.

Sometimes it’s an attempt at diplomacy. “Oh, you’re comfortable with that hechsher?” “You’re okay walking home from there that late?”

You’re trying to raise a red flag, but make it look pink.

So what’s the problem? You mean well, you’re calm, and you care.

The issue is that a question with a hidden agenda isn’t truly an open, honest communication. And when this becomes a pattern, people start to feel guarded. They may brace themselves when you speak, unsure if you’re about to connect or correct.

If this still feels insignificant, imagine this: Your parent or spouse asks you, “Did you spend $300 at the shoe store?” Is there any answer that doesn’t put you on the defensive? Your response is likely to be some form of “Yes, but I just needed…”

Used occasionally, this kind of question is relatively harmless. But when it becomes your default style, then even well-meaning questions start to feel like pressure. Instead of hearing, “I’m interested in your thoughts,” people hear, “I’m waiting to correct you.”

If you’re getting pushback on your “simple questions,” try any or all of these:

Set a curiosity window. Pick one hour a day to ask only questions rooted in genuine curiosity. No agenda, no subtle steering.

Do a gut check. Before speaking, pause and ask yourself: Am I trying to understand? Or influence?

Be clear in how you communicate. If you want to guide, guide. If you want to ask, ask. Don’t disguise advice as a question.

Reflect at night. Even if you only catch yourself after the fact, that’s still great awareness. Next time, you’ll be more attuned.

People can sense when your questions come from curiosity, not control. They stay soft, real, and aren’t defensive. With a little intention and some practice, you can shift your questions back to honest inquiries that invite connection.

Shoshana Schwartz specializes in overcoming compulsive behaviors, including emotional eating, codependency, and addiction. She is the founder of The Satisfied Self.

Leaky Buckets Can’t Hold Love

Rachel Burnham with Bassi Gruen

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harnie Rubin was a powerhouse, a successful stockbroker with several degrees under her belt, polished, articulate, and beautiful. She dated a series of strong, ambitious men, but they left her anxious and exhausted.

Then, someone set her up with Nachman Blumberg, a sweet, soft-spoken data analyst.

It took a few dates, but Charnie quickly came to appreciate Nachman’s stability, loyalty, and kindness. “He brings me peace,” she told me, a smile in her voice.

She didn’t care that his salary was half of hers and that his job wasn’t glamorous. She just liked him.

But he struggled with the disparity.

He kept making jokes about being behind in life. About her being out of his league. No matter how much she reassured him that she wasn’t marrying a career — she was marrying a person — he couldn’t take it in.

Eventually, he ended it. Not because he didn’t like her, but because he didn’t believe she could possibly like him.

It’s a painful pattern I see all the time: people fling the pain of their past into their future, and then wonder how it rolled into their present.

They assume that once they find the right person, they’ll finally feel confident. But it rarely works that way. If you don’t feel worthy before dating, you’ll struggle to feel chosen while dating — and you may push away the very person who wants you.

Someone who doesn’t believe they’re enough will either:

Attach to someone who confirms that belief.

Attach to someone good and sabotage it.

Either way, the result is heartbreak.

Do yourself — and the people you’re dating — a favor. Before you look for someone who will want to marry you, make sure you’re ready to believe them when they do.

Rachel Burnham is a dating coach and speaker. After marrying at 34, she dedicated herself to helping singles date from their most authentic selves, navigate singlehood with dignity, and make it proudly to the chuppah

What’s for Lunch?

Shira Savit

M

idday can be a difficult time for women to make themselves lunch. Many attribute it to time management: “I don’t have the patience or the time… I feel lazy… so I skip it or grab whatever snack I see.” But often, the challenges around making lunch run deeper.

Sometimes it’s decision fatigue. Even the simple choices around what to eat feel overwhelming. Perfectionism is another element. Pressure for the meal to be “just right” or “only healthy.” And for many women, there is diet noise about the “shoulds”: You should only have protein, you should eat more vegetables than carbs.

It’s okay if deciding what to eat feels challenging. Simply noticing that you’re having a hard time deciding, or that a part of you wants the “perfect” meal, can ease some of the weight of the decision and release self-judgment. Awareness is nourishment too — because understanding yourself is just as valuable as the food you choose.

Shira Savit, MA, MHC, INHC is a mental health counselor and integrative nutritionist who specializes in emotional eating, binge eating, and somatic nutrition. Shira works both virtually and in person in Jerusalem.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 966)