| Opinion |

At All Costs: The Conversation Continues

By Mishpacha Readers | May 26, 2020

As parents, we are role models. If we feed these kids a glutton of materialism before and during the wedding, won’t most kids expect it after the wedding?

Readers from three countries break down their approach to making a wedding, sharing budgets, beliefs, and blunders

fter our feature and follow-up about wedding costs, the feedback continued to pour in. It’s not just about the numbers: how you make a wedding touches on so many of your values.

Here, readers from three countries break down their approach to making a wedding, sharing budgets, beliefs, and blunders.

Name: T.M., Memphis*

Mother of: Kallah

Total Spent: $20,000

We made four weddings in two years, baruch Hashem. We kept it manageable, but there were different expectations based on where the other family was from.

We chose to make takanah weddings in the NJ area to keep costs down, especially because we were making multiple weddings in a short time frame. There were different expectations based on where the other family was from — we found that our Brooklyn mechutanim expected more of the typical chassan/kallah gifts while the out-of-towners said that whatever we could do was fine.

One mechutan felt that it was important that we buy the chassan a specific watch, which all his brothers had received. We hadn’t bought those for any of our other sons-in-law, but if something was important to the other side, we tried to make it happen. A wedding lasts for five hours; the many, many years we will be’ezras Hashem be family for are much more important.

**Name: Rivky*, Lakewood**

Mother of: Chassan

Total Spent: $35,000

We made a beautiful, baalebatish simchah without breaking the bank. Of course, having meachuatanim on the same page — with similar priorities and without additional expectations — is a brachah that helps keep the cost down for both sides.

Living in Lakewood gave me access to elegant halls at reasonable prices; you can make a takanah wedding in Lakewood in a beautiful venue with tasteful decor and menus. The chassan’s portion of such a wedding costs $15-18,000. We bought the kallah’s gifts as part of a package — a one-carat ring, a diamond bracelet, and a yichud room gift ($5,200).

I catered the aufruf ($2,500) and splurged on a party planner ($1,350) so I could be a “guest” at the aufruf and not have the onus of ordering and setting up. Even with using a high- end makeup artist ($500), renting beautiful gowns ($1,170 for four gowns), buying additional gifts for the kallah such as machzorim ($500) and leichter ($1.500), and then paying for shadchanus and chassan classes ($1,270), our total costs were only about $35,000.

Had our finances allowed for it, I would have considered a second photography crew; our time constraints meant that we didn’t have enough portrait time, and it would have been nice to have a second photographer to capture both the women and mens’ side. But there was nothing lacking in the simchah and leibedig dancing of the chassan and kallah, and that’s what we remember.

**Name: Batya*, New Jersey**

Mother of: Chassan

Total Spent: $20,000

Our oldest daughter from my husband’s first marriage just got married. We tried to keep the guest list down, which was challenging between my husband, his ex, the chassan’s family, and the chassan and kallah’s friends. Since it was an out-of-town wedding, a lot of people couldn’t or didn’t make the trip, which helped.

While the chassan’s family wasn’t able to contribute much to the costs of the wedding, we split the expenses with my husband’s ex-wife. Since this wedding was for my husband’s child, I let him take the lead and decide what was worth splurging on. We ended up upgrading the band and photographer. Since many people missed the wedding, we made a big local sheva brachos with lots of homemade food from local friends (everything was about cutting costs).

Baruch Hashem, I have a good relationship with my husband’s ex, and we’re generally on the same page about spending. We had some disagreements due to miscommunication, but we laugh about them now. It took time, but eventually we got into the habit of checking in with each other very often to avoid all those misunderstandings. I hope to marry off one of my biological kids soon, and I’m worried about what might crop up when I plan this with my ex-husband — I told my husband’s ex she’ll need to help me when the time comes!

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Comments (13)

0
Fransesca Zuckerman
5 years ago
Reply

There has been much discussion about extravagant weddings, and whether or not it’s anyone else’s business what someone else spends on a wedding. It’s clear, though, that extravagant weddings raise the bar.
But what concerns me the most is not raising the bar, or becoming part of a more materialistic society. As someone who’s spent years working in seminaries, I am shaken by the number of mothers who declared they spent more on makeup, clothing, or gowns “because it’s important for the kallah to feel beautiful.”
I certainly agree that a kallah should feel beautiful, but I’m so worried about the actual message she ends up getting if looking beautiful requires hundreds or thousands of dollars. “Listen sweetheart, the face Hashem gave you is oookaay, but it is going to take A LOT for you to be beautiful.” Why not try out the feel of “You are so beautiful, any gown will make you shine!” or “Any makeup artist can make a face like yours look gorgeous!”?
These mothers all so clearly want to make their daughters feel good, but I’m afraid that they’re taking away the last shreds of self-esteem she may have. Mothers hope a girl hears the message that she deserves the best. That may come across by investing in her furniture (or not: it may just make her feel entitled) but that same approach, when applied to her appearance, may give her the message that she doesn’t measure up.
I know all of these mothers just want their daughters to feel beautiful on this special day, so that they can carry that confidence into married life. But many of these girls will look back at their wedding day, and say “What a shame; I’ll never be that beautiful again….”
0
Chaya Reich, Kallah teacher, marriage mentor, speaker for Torah Anytime, and author of the Cozy Rosy book series
5 years ago
Reply

Your serial Yardsticks was an excellent portrayal of real life in our community and extremely well-written. The subsequent tête-à-tête detailing varied wedding expenses and obligations has generated much discussion among my younger daughters.
Conducting an informal poll, I’ve found that even post-Covid-19, things haven’t changed all that much — girls still dream about really beautiful weddings. We all want the very best for our daughters, and we focus our time, energy, and money on making beautiful chasunahs. Your magazine has featured some pretty big numbers — from $24,000 for flowers to a singer brought in to the tune (pun intended) of $16,000 — all for one night. But the overemphasis on all of these pichifkes can be very costly — in many ways.
The most important thing that a mother can do for her children is to put as much time and money as possible into giving them the gift of a great kallah teacher. Seems to me to be a better investment than flowers that last barely 24 hours.
We are facing a crisis and it may not be just the escalating costs of making a chasunah. Our children are suffering. Our relationships are suffering. All the money spent on beautiful gowns, sheitels, and music cannot save a marriage that has gone south. The rate of divorce and unhappy marriages in our world has unfortunately never been higher. There is one way to combat this.
Let me start by telling you what a kallah teacher does. We develop a relationship with your daughter, spending many hours getting to know her so that she’ll feel comfortable getting in touch after her chasunah when needed. We teach her the halachos but focus on hashkafa. We teach her how to connect to her spouse, how to develop common interests, how to have healthy disputes, how to become best friends and truly connect.
I have a wise friend who sends her boys to a chassan teacher before the wedding and continues through the first year of marriage at a cost of $150 per session. Money very well-spent! That’s netzach — not the band, not the flowers, not the sheitel.
As a kallah teacher, I get to know some of the most wonderful mothers as I teach their daughters, but it never fails to amaze me that there are some mothers I never speak to. The girls arrange the kallah teacher themselves, and the mother never even calls to say hello. I’m sure this same mother is calling the caterer, the dressmaker, the florist, and the hall, but the most important part of the preparation gets put to the side.
There have been so many incredible kallah teachers over the years who’ve stopped teaching kallahs and took other jobs because kallah classes didn’t pay enough for them to support their families. Compared to the other expenses on the list, kallah classes are the biggest bargain around!
We need to start prioritizing our relationships because we can all appreciate the joy that a close connection can bring. Believe me, the flowers can always come later.
1. 0
  SL
  5 years ago
  Reply
  
  You’re right when you says relationships are suffering and that a good kallah teacher is a must. But in the past, I’ve also heard the idea floated of pre- and post-marriage counseling. It never took off, probably because of the stigma attached. (Our kids are all perfect, right?) Still, I think it should be revisited. Imagine if young couples could have that guidance at the start of their marriage. How many long-term conflicts could be avoided? How many spouses could learn effective communication? Learn to foster deep and meaningful connections?
  You also commented in surprise about the mothers who are never in touch with you throughout the entire time you’re teaching their daughters. Maybe they’re respecting their daughter’s boundaries. Maybe some girls prefer to handle things on their own. It doesn’t mean there’s any less love or caring. There’s more than one right way.
2. 0
  Gitel Moses, Baltimore
  5 years ago
  Reply
  
  Are chosson/kallah teachers necessary? Of course. I’m just not sure they should be the ones serving as therapists. When did this become a business too? I’ve got a novel idea: Let’s invest in ourselves. Let’s invest in our spouses and our marriages and our children. Let’s see if we can teach our children about healthy marriages by showing them our own. Let’s empower them by teaching them about commitment. A marriage is a promise. Let’s keep it. Let’s talk about the importance of time, effort, caring and sharing. And if and when issues arise that need addressing, let’s find competent rabbis and qualified therapists who can help them navigate some bumps in the road with professional help.
  1. 0
    C.F.
    5 years ago
    Reply
    
    Mrs Moses, you asked a rhetorical question, “Are chassan/kallah teachers necessary?” to which your response was “Of course.” Why? For thousands of years Jewish mothers have taught the halachos of marriage to their daughters themselves. Why, in the age when Jewish women are more learned than ever before in history, are we sending our kallahs to strangers to be taught before marriage? As far as teaching relationship building, what is a kallah teacher going to teach a girl that she hasn’t already learned by watching her parents’ model for 20 years? And if the parents were bad examples, how is the kallah teacher going to undo that damage in 10–12 sessions? As you stated, this should be left to professional therapists who have to answer to supervisors while the kallah teacher does not. There is simply no oversight and no supervision in this industry.
    I am sure I am not the only person who can fill a book with stories of relationships damaged and lives ruined by the well-intentioned advice of “top” kallah teachers. I firmly believe that we need to rethink the whole system.
    1. 0
      Yitty Bisk
      5 years ago
      Reply
      
      C.F. – You’re right that for thousands of years the mesorah has gone from mother to daughter. Bais Yaakov also did not exist. But most mothers today aren’t ready to homeschool their daughters (as we’ve learned these past few months). And thousands of years in galus have unfortunately left a negative impact on Klal Yisrael, specifically in these areas.
      You’re correct that kallah teachers are not therapists. They are “first responders” who are trained to pick up issues and refer them to the appropriate address. Just like an EMT knows whether to refer a client to a doctor or rush him to an emergency room, a competent kallah teacher has a contact list of rabbanim, doctors, and various therapists as well as a support system of professionals and other teachers with many years of experience.
      And as F.S., another letter writer noted, newlywed couples absolutely do need a support system after marriage even more than before! It is imperative that their relationship develop during shanah rishonah (which, by the way is not just the first year, rather the first stage of marriage) in order to not have to repeat that stage seven to ten years later, this time in the marriage therapist’s office. I’m wondering why you have not called your kallah teacher? My guess is that she would be glad you reached out and happy to help. There are other venues out there as well.
      Marriage mentoring has been around for over 15 years. It’s time for the Orthodox community at large, and couples in particular, to embrace the idea and make it a “given” to connect with a mentor.
      Mrs. Michelle Fruchter has recently created a wonderful venue for women like you called “Marriage Buddies” where a newlywed is matched up with an older and wiser mentor. You can reach her at marriagebuddies613@gmail.com.
      Wishing you and all newlyweds much hatzlachah.
    2. 0
      Sara Spero
      5 years ago
      Reply
      
      I have been following the debate about the need for chassan/kallah teachers with much interest. The response that “this has been something that had always been handled in the past by parents” left me a bit confused.
      Full disclosure: I do not clean and kasher my own chicken, liver, and meat; I have been known to purchase a sliced bread in the store or even a challah or two on a frenzied (or not so frenzied) Friday; and I do not boil the unpasteurized milk that used to be delivered to our front porch in a giant wine jug so that my father could drink chalav Yisrael.
      My European mother — a student of Frau Schenirer’s Shabbos Bnos groups and a graduate of Radim, Plaszow, and Buchenwald — did all of those things, yet had no problem entrusting the sacred mission of teaching me the responsibilities of the sanctity of Jewish life to Mrs. Sisty Glustein, who was my kallah teacher in Cleveland about a hundred years ago. This did not mean that my mother abdicated her responsibilities of parenthood — and neither did I, when it came time, do the same for our daughter, whose kallah teacher was Mrs. Neche Moerman. Providing healthy mentors and teachers who continue to encourage and inspire our children, is what sharing parental obligations is all about.
      It really does take a village….
    3. 0
      N. R.
      5 years ago
      Reply
      
      I would like to add my voice to that of C.F. questioning why we have outsourced the teaching of our daughters to kallah teachers. I couldn’t agree with you more— so much so that when my third daughter got married, I taught her myself.
      When my third daughter got engaged, her two married sisters, who’d learned with two different “top” kallah teachers,
      encouraged me to teach her myself. They each felt that it would have been much better for them to have been
      taught by their mother, who knew them so well and whom they trust. Neither of them had felt the need— or the comfort level — to consult with their kallah teachers after they were married. They said they preferred to consult with me on appropriate issues, with their rav on issues pertaining to halachah or marriage, or a doctor when the subject was clearly medical.
      After discussing it at length with our rav, who encouraged me, I very successfully taught my daughter. The experience was beneficial all around. I intend to give my next several daughters this option when their turn comes, b’shaah tovah.
      If we toilet train our children, teach them about growing up, and guide them in personal and halachic matters, as all
      Yiddishe mammas have in the past, why do we delegate this most important job of all? Perhaps kallah teachers can shift their teaching experience and broader knowledge of the subject matter toward empowering mothers to take back their rightful place in this area.
      1. 0
        Mrs. Chani Tanenbaum
        5 years ago
        
        I’ve been following the unfolding debate about whether Klal Yisrael’s kallahs should be prepared for their chasunahs by their own mothers or “outsourced” to qualified kallah teachers. While I feel that this is a long overdue conversation, I worry that in framing it as a tug-of-war between parties vying for control, the real issues at play are being entirely overlooked.
        As a mother of daughters and a kallah teacher, I relate fiercely to each side of this dialogue. It is arguably true that nobody can know or love a child more deeply than her mother; that this mesorah is “toras imecha” in its purest form; and that the natural connection between parent and child can best create the ideal conditions for its transmission. It is also true that many mothers feel inadequate to the task, and that many daughters, for a range of reasons, feel uncomfortable with the idea of learning this Torah with their own mothers.
        In conducting a workshop I run for mothers entitled “Talking to Our Children about Sensitive Topics,” the most frequently expressed sentiment I encounter is “I want to do this, but I don’t know how!”
        As a community, we’ve managed to communicate certain messages to our children relating to the relationship between males and females. We have conveyed the vital message that we need to shield and protect our eyes and neshamos from the rampant pritzus that surrounds us. We’ve conveyed the never-been-truer message that Hollywood has distorted and perverted this aspect of human experience and that its portrayals have no place in the minds of pure, striving bnos Yisrael. In more recent times, we’ve even managed to convey important messages about personal safety.
        But somehow, I feel we haven’t managed to convey the “mafli laasos” part of this equation; the healthy, normal, Torahdig approach to marriage, based on HaKadosh Baruch Hu’s design of human beings and the mitzvos He gave them. I wonder how many parents realize that saying nothing at all also sends a very distinct message, loud and clear. This is about a deep understanding that is transmitted in countless age-appropriate and tzniusdig ways, spoken and unspoken, as a child matures and develops, then intensifies as he or she approaches marriage.
        Often one of the greatest challenges a kallah teacher faces is the “unlearning” that is necessary in order for her to proceed with the beautiful Torah-true messages she is prepared to impart.
        I would humbly suggest that teaching the black-and-white halachos is hardly the primary responsibility of a kallah teacher today; any reasonably bright individual could probably learn the halachic how-tos from one of the many high-caliber books and lecture series available, as well as through many reliable online resources. Rather, it’s that “Toras Imecha,” a proper understanding of the magnificent reality and purpose that emerges when we study and implement those halachos that cannot be imbibed from the pages of a book. It’s the creating of a safe and respectful space for any and every concern or question that a kallah may have before and, most important, after she embarks on this wonderful, holy, and sometimes frightening and confusing journey with her new chassan. It’s helping the kallah envision what’s possible when this avodah is properly understood and implemented.
        This isn’t really about who should be teaching our kallahs as much as how to best teach them at every stage of life. Here’s my vision: Let’s partner together, mothers and kallah teachers, to support each other in this critical, holy, and life-altering work. I have conducted trainings to empower mothers to teach their own daughters (though I do believe that in most cases a kallah should have a session or two with an experienced kallah teacher as well.) And let’s give enormous credit to each mother who knows that, for whatever reason, she isn’t the ideal teacher for her particular daughter, and seeks out the most suitable and qualified shaliach she can find to represent her.
        With the tefillah that together we can support healthy, thriving batim ne’emanim b’Yisrael,
3. 0
  M.A.
  5 years ago
  Reply
  
  I was so gratified to see Chaya Reich extolling the importance of investing in a qualified kallah teacher. Having proper chassan or kallah training can literally spell the difference between the life or death of a marriage.
  Many parents have become aware of the importance of checking into a prospective teacher and asking for credentials and rabbinic affiliations, but unfortunately, there is no required training, supervision, or governing body that regulates the field of kallah teachers. It is time for us, as a community, to band together and set up a system to ensure that our children can learn about our precious mesorah from qualified, well-trained kallah teachers, enabling each one of them to create a binyan adei ad.
4. 0
  F.S., Brooklyn
  5 years ago
  Reply
  
  I’m recently married and having such a hard time adjusting. It is of vital importance that a girl be provided a mentor, marriage coach, or kallah teacher, whom she’ll be in contact with after her wedding. Imagine if we could take care of our little “adjustments” when they’re still small issues, and not have to deal with them 20 years down the line when they’ve become something way bigger.
  Couples get married and need to figure everything out themselves. Just as important as it is to teach young kallahs before their wedding, it is even more vital to have someone to speak to, someone smarter and older, to give advice and serve as a listening ear. I feel so alone and don’t know where to start looking. If only this would be stressed before the wedding — that you automatically keep up with your kallah teacher / marriage mentor. Girls in this generation really need it.
  Hope all kallah teachers who read this can make a difference in our world!
0
Sara B., Israel
5 years ago
Reply

After we got married, we didn’t have much money to spend on ourselves. While we loved our shanah rishonah, we wished we’d had more money to go on vacations before im yirtzeh Hashem having children.
I understand that parents want to help their children if they can afford it.
But spending $80,000 on a wedding plus buying new unnecessary clothing, and an entire apartment of new furniture… in my mind that’s excessive. Of course, everyone can spend what they want.
But imagine if parents went to their children and said, “Our budget allows us to spend x on your wedding. Would you
want us to cut back and give that to you as your shalom bayis fund?” The couple could use that money to spend time with each other— going out to eat, staying in a hotel once in a while, going away for Shabbos. I would have jumped on that.
How about you?
0
Name Withheld
5 years ago
Reply

In response to the list of wedding expenses shared by Hanna Green and anyone who shares her mindset. You’re all wonderful people.
You spend responsibly and within your budget. However, it isn’t fair to judge others. Materialism is very important to some people, it’s their oxygen. It’s not right for anyone to tell someone else, “But you
don’t have money, so how can you spend like that?” And it’s definitely wrong to say, “I have and I don’t spend, so if you don’t have money, you for sure shouldn’t be spending!”
Please just remember where money comes from. The One above. He decides who has and who doesn’t. Who gives and who takes. No one in the position of having more should feel superior to those with less. Nor should they judge on how others spend their money. EVEN if that money was given to them by others.
May The One Who Provides, continue to give you the means to help others.