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It was the morning of my daughter Aviva’s school trip. Her class was going to a place where they would get wet and they needed swimming gear as well as a change of clothing.

With 20 minutes left until she had to leave the house ten-year-old Aviva decided that her regular swimming bag was not big enough to fit all her stuff. “Mommy” she called out in a panic “I can’t fit all my stuff in the bag!”

I stopped in the middle of dressing my two-year-old and hurried to Aviva’s room to help her. On the tip of my tongue were the words “Why didn’t you pack last night? I don’t have time to help you now.”

Instead of letting these words out I took a deep breath. Criticism wasn’t going to be helpful now. Focus on helping the child not berating her I instructed myself.

“How about we put some of your stuff in a separate bag?” I suggested.

“NO!” she responded. “That’s so nerdy.”

Another deep breath. Don’t argue with her reality. She needs support not judgment.

“I have some more bags down in the basement” I said. “Maybe we’ll find something that can fit all your stuff.”

We went down to the basement and I showed Aviva several different bags that were eminently suitable — at least in my opinion. She disqualified every one of them.

“I’m not going to be able to go on my trip!” she moaned. “I don’t have a bag!”

I felt the familiar feelings of frustration mixed with guilt starting to bubble up inside me and I knew it was time for me to detach. I had done all I could for Aviva; now she was going to have to deal with the situation herself. Her unhappiness is not a reflection of me as a mother. She’s entitled to figure it out on her own and she’s entitled to my support as she does that.

“I’m sorry you don’t have the kind of bag you want sweetheart” I said. “I need to finish dressing Yossi. If you need me I’ll be in the living room.”