Ask yourself: What are the consequences if this doesn't get solved? Who’s going to suffer or be uncomfortable?

Who Owns the Problem?

Shoshana Schwartz

Chesed is in our physical, spiritual, and emotional DNA. We want to make other people’s situations better, to improve their lives. We’re wired to scan for situations in which we can be helpful.

While we want to help others with their challenges and difficulties, we need to ensure that we don’t assume responsibility for those challenges. There’s a difference between helping someone carry his load and owning it.

Picture someone carrying a boulder. You can put your hands under the boulder to help support it without actually carrying it.

Owning other people’s issues gives us too much power and precludes humility. It saps our limited resources. It creates distance, fosters resentment, and sabotages relationships. It undermines people’s capabilities and reduces their sense of agency. It’s also exhausting.

There is someone uniquely qualified to solve someone else’s problem: the person who owns it.

How can we know who owns the problem? Ask yourself: What are the consequences if this doesn't get solved? Who’s going to suffer or be uncomfortable? The answer indicates who owns the problem.

Let’s say your teen sister is seeking a summer job. She toys with camp counselor applications but doesn’t send them, asks friends if they know of any openings, but doesn’t try very hard.

Whose problem is this? Your sister’s! She’s the one who’ll be bored for weeks. She’s the one who won’t have money for that Poland trip. You can care — deeply — but if you’re wringing your hands in anguish and nudging her to get a move on, you’re owning her problem.

What about situations in which an adult really doesn't possess the capability to solve her own problem? In such situations, we can amp up our assistance and encourage other avenues of support. But still, the problem remains hers. Knowing she’s successfully addressing her issue (albeit with generous support) is in itself empowering.

Some people habitually assume responsibility for others’ problems. They give unsolicited advice. They take on too many projects, certain they’re the best — if not the only — address. They might feel resentful when their advice isn't heeded, or their herculean efforts aren't appreciated.

Although none of us limited humans can endlessly solve all the problems in the universe, Hashem’s resources are unlimited. Instead of taking responsibility for other situations and people, we can daven, then step aside and let Him do what we can’t.

What’s Underneath

People take responsibility for others’ stuff because of long-standing, unconscious beliefs and emotions that arise from those beliefs.

Belief: If someone’s struggling, it’s somehow my fault.

Emotion: Guilt

Belief: If your problem isn’t solved, then some problems aren't solvable, which means the world’s a difficult place, and who knows what’s coming next?

Emotion: Anxiety

Belief: This problem will snowball and have dire consequences.

Emotion: Fear

Belief: I’m the only one who can solve this.

Emotion: Pressure, mistrust, anxiety

Belief: I’ll be blamed somehow.

Emotion: Fear (of rejection, abandonment, shame, or what others will think of me)

What do all of these have in common? Control! If I’m responsible for the problem, I can fix it. If I’m not responsible for it, how can I know it’ll be dealt with properly?

Useful for Kids Too!

Boruch’s messy room is not his problem, because he doesn’t mind the mess. It’s your problem, because you care. Once he owns the problem — perhaps because he’s not allowed to go outside until his room is clean — he might be motivated to solve his problem.

Shoshana Schwartz specializes in addiction and codependency. She gives in-person and online addiction prevention lectures and workshops to education and mental health professionals, community leaders, and parent groups, as well as 12-Step workshops for non-addicts.

When You Need the Big Bucks

Sara Glaz 

Chaya and Dovid knew that, best case scenario, they’d be marrying off a few kids one after the other. While they tried putting some money away each year, when they celebrated the first l’chayim, they realized they simply didn’t have enough saved up. Aside from taking loans from gemachs and family members, what other options do they have?

Put Your House to Work

One big advantage of owning a home is the ability to borrow against it. Two popular options include cash-out refinancing and a home equity loan. Simply put, refinancing is when you trade in your old mortgage loan for a new one. Due to lower interest rates in recent years, many people have been able to replace their existing mortgage with one at a lower interest rate. At the same time, borrowers are also able to take out cash, increasing the loan value.

Another borrowing option is a home equity line of credit. Also known as a HELOC, this loan allows you to borrow against the equity in your home only when you need the cash, as opposed to a cash-out refinance. However, buyer beware: Both options involve a lot of details, and one must consult the right professionals to ensure it’s the best option for your situation.

Benefit Early from a 401k

If your employer offers a 401k and you’ve been diligently contributing to it, you’re in luck. Not only will you reap the benefits in retirement, you can also make use of the money now. Many 401k plans offer the participants the option to take loans from their account. While there’s usually a repayment time period, the interest you pay on your loan can typically go straight back into your account, as opposed to a typical bank, which keeps the interest payments.

Sara Glaz is an investment advisor and financial planner at The Munk Wealth Management Group in Cedarhurst, New York.

Lower the Bar

Shira Savit, MA, MHC, INHC 

When it comes to exercise, some of us find it burdensome. “I don’t have the time; changing and showering is annoying!”

My recommendation: Lower your expectations and set yourself up for success. Instead of aiming for a 45-minute treadmill run, get yourself on for just five minutes! Forget the exercise clothing, and take a shower later.

Getting yourself moving for five minutes can improve your mental and physical health; you’ll build muscles of consistency and empowerment. As those muscles strengthen, your exercise time frame will likely increase too.

Shira Savit, MA, MHC, INHC is a mental health counselor and integrative nutritionist who specializes in emotional eating, binge eating, and somatic nutrition. Shira works both virtually and in person in Jerusalem.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 793)