One of the most crucial pre-dating tasks is figuring out what you need

The Big Six of Shidduchim

Rachel Burnham with Bassi Gruen

There are many aspects to consider when choosing a spouse. I recommend focusing on the following six:

Emotional Needs: This refers to the core ways we feel loved, supported, and emotionally safe in a relationship — things like validation, trust, and acceptance. They form the foundation for connection and vulnerability.

Everyone needs all of these to some degree. The real question is: Which ones matter most to you? Some people crave verbal affirmation; others need emotional attunement or consistent presence.

You’re not identifying what’s nice; you’re uncovering what’s nonnegotiable. The goal is to pinpoint the emotional needs that are crucial — and those you could live without.

Physical Appearance: Every girl dreams of a guy who is tall and handsome and every boy would like a gorgeous girl. But the vast majority of humankind falls into average when it comes to looks. I allow everyone to list two deal-breaker physical characteristics that they really can’t handle, and then ask that they remain open to every other package.

On the flip side, sometimes when I speak to a man who’s dating and ask, “What did you like about her?” he’ll say, “She’s really pretty.” “What else?” I’ll ask, and he’ll start to stammer. “If I was trying to make chicken soup and only had water, we’d have a problem,” I tell them. “Looks are a plus, but they’re just one piece of the full picture.”

Hashkafic Stance: We need to establish your baseline — what are the red lines that you’d never want your spouse to cross? What’s your ceiling — the highest level of frumkeit you can comfortably live with? Then, everything in between is fair game to date. Here, I’ll usually ask, “Who do you want to be the father/mother of your children?”

Intellectual Level: There are different types of intelligence. There are book smarts, social smarts, street smarts. Some people are philosophical and others are great at solving practical problems. When it comes to intelligence, it’s often good to look for someone who will complement your intelligence. Also, realize that many bright people don’t need someone who can match them, rather someone who can appreciate them.

When it comes to intelligence, aim for a Venn diagram — overlapping circles. You should share some characteristics, but don’t need to be carbon copies.

Personality: What types of people do you get along well with? Consider your close friendships; that can show you the core personality traits you’re drawn to. Still, when it comes to personality, it’s crucial to remain open-minded.

There was a quiet guy who kept telling me he needed someone outgoing to draw him out. He dated live wires for years, but he couldn’t connect to any of them. Eventually, someone set him up with a girl even quieter than him. Rather than her leaving him feeling diminished, suddenly, he was the one leading. They’re happily married.

Middos: Here we put positive character traits, the type of stuff that may have won you a middos award in camp. The way we treat others is an outgrowth of our middos. When it comes to middos, ask two questions: First, does this person’s middos balance me — if I’m very focused on chesed, I may need someone with more self-discipline. Second, am I drawn to the ways in which he gives? Can I receive from him? Some people love a guy who’s extremely sweet, others get nervous from that, wanting someone bolder. It’s not about good or bad but what will work best for you.

Rachel Burnham is a dating coach and speaker. After marrying at 34, she dedicated herself to helping singles date from their most authentic selves, navigate singlehood with dignity, and make it proudly to the finish line.

Overwhelmed

Abby Delouya RMFT-CCC, CPTT

Feeling overwhelmed happens to everyone. In fact, recent studies show that adults between the ages of 18-34 are overwhelmed most of the time, with women reporting higher levels of stress and overwhelm.

Feeling overwhelm can lead to forgetfulness, confusion, difficulty concentrating, low energy, and difficulty with problem-solving, which creates a cycle that is challenging to get out of. Often what causes feelings of overwhelm is a multitude of intense emotions or many tasks that converge and feel like one huge mess. Feelings get mixed with actionable tasks, and feel very big.

The best way to mitigate overwhelm is to chunk tasks or feelings. You can split them up into three categories by asking yourself:

Are my feelings stemming from something I can change? If yes, what actionable steps can I take to make things easier?

Are my feelings based on unchangeable facts or realities? If so, what can I do to accept them?

Is there any action that can be taken to help me feel differently in the future?

Breathing or taking a walk before writing this list can help clear your head.

You can write down the things you can’t change/can’t do and place them in a little box to contain the feelings safely — there may be a time to revisit it, or it may never be yours to own. (Hint: the Owner can hold it all for you.)

Abby Delouya RMFT-CCC, CPTT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice with a specialty in trauma and addiction. She’s also the Director of Intake and Care Management at Ray of Hope.

Planners Out

Hadassah Eventsur

If you have ADHD, you may find planners don’t work for you. There are numerous reasons for this:

Planners get lost. If you have ADHD, you likely misplace items due to working memory and attention regulation deficits.

Planners don’t have built-in prompts. Many people with ADHD rely on prompts such as timers and alarms to keep them on track. Planners don’t provide this.

Planners don’t account for time blindness. On average, tasks take three times longer than people with ADHD estimate they will take, so allotting enough time for tasks in planners can be challenging.

Out of sight, out of mind syndrome: When the planner is out of sight, it’s out of mind, thanks to poor working memory, so you likely won’t use it.

Next installment will look at other options that could work for the ADHD mind.

Hadassah Eventsur, MS, OTR/L is a licensed occupational therapist with over 20 years of experience, and a certified life coach in the Baltimore, MD area.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 942)