The precursor to being dan l’chaf zechus might be curiosity

What Made You Say That?

Zipora Schuck and Devora Schuck

Being dan l’chaf zechus is incredibly powerful and helps us understand unusual or atypical behavior in others, and thus react differently to them.

The precursor to being dan l’chaf zechus might be curiosity. Curiosity is a popular concept nowadays in therapy. Therapists help clients turn curiosity inward by having them explore how they were feeling, what they were thinking, or help them work out why they did something.

What if we arrived at the junction of curiosity and judging others favorably when our students misbehave or act unexpectedly?

Before rushing to judgment or hurrying to provide a consequence, what if we were genuinely curious about what happened and why?

A preteen begs for a specific pair of shoes. The mother agrees and purchases the shoes. The child comes home from school and says, “I’m never wearing these shoes again, I hate them.”

The mother says (choose one):

Too bad, because I’m not buying you another pair until spring.

These were the ones you wanted.

I told you that you would get tired of them, I just didn’t think it would happen so quickly.

or

You really don’t want to wear those shoes right now.

The mother chooses A, B, or C, the child stomps off, and the mother is frustrated.

But what if the mother let herself use curiosity and would wonder what made the child say that.

The mother chooses D and reflects that the child seems upset. The child sulks, but later opens up after the mother says, “You had big feelings about these shoes. I’m wondering what made you change your mind?” The child responds that a classmate made a disparaging remark about the shoes, but the child still likes them so will wear them anyway.

A student yells something out mid-class.

The teacher can say (choose one):

Get out of my class.

How dare you say that in my class?

or

Wow. That’s really unexpected. We’ll talk later.

Later, when speaking to the student privately, the teacher remarks that it wasn’t like the student to say that. The student mutters something. The teacher gently asks, “Is everything okay?”

The student replies, “No” and tells the teacher he’s really upset about something else. The teacher helps the student understand that calling out isn’t acceptable in class, and then proceeds to help with whatever was bothering the student.

When we let our sense of curiosity guide us, we can think of different reasons why something may have occurred.

Some questions parents and teachers can ask themselves:

Is this typical of this child?

Can I sit with my curiosity a little longer before responding?

Questions teachers and parents can ask children:

I wonder what was going on for you?

What made you say/do that?

Often, when we judge favorably and consider alternative explanations for behavior, we’re better able to address the root of the problem and prevent it from happening again, instead of just shutting it down in the here and now.

Zipora Schuck MA. MS. is a NYS school psychologist and educational consultant for many schools in the NY/NJ area. She works with students, teachers, principals, and parents to help children be successful.

Devora Schuck LCSW is a psychotherapist who treats anxiety and trauma in children, teens, and young adults.

Pain or Gain

Sara Eisemann

IF you focus on the hurt, you will continue to suffer. If you focus on the lesson, you will continue to grow. —Unknown

A careful study of this quote reveals the obvious — hurt causes suffering. That seems somewhat unavoidable. In a natural display of cause and consequence, humans experience pain when they have been hurt. We can’t really escape that. What is avoidable, however, is the prolonged suffering.

With every hand that is dealt, we each get to choose our response, maybe not the initial reaction, but certainly our extended response. There are those who choose to stay fixated on the offense, nursing it close to their heart and holding on to it like an old tattered teddy bear. Perhaps they fear that letting go of the hurt means they are absolving the offender of responsibility, or that moving on means they lose their victim status with all its accompanying perks. Whatever the reason, they hold the hurt and maintain their suffering.

Alternatively, there are other folks who feel the hurt, release the pain, and then direct their energy to the lesson contained in the experience. They recognize that everything that comes to us in this world comes directly from Hashem, and any person who hurt them was simply His messenger. These people understand that every interaction we encounter is Divinely ordained by Hashem for our growth, and that no one and nothing can hurt us without His consent.

This growth mindset allows them to mine every hurtful incident for clues about their spiritual pain point. As they study what caused them pain, they gain insight into their own beliefs, behaviors, and vulnerable spots; and the hurt becomes a venue for increased self-awareness and continued growth.

Stick with the pain or go for the gain? Every day, we get to decide.

Sara Eisemann, LMSW, ACSW, is a licensed therapist, Directed Dating coach and certified Core Mentor.

On the Fence about Fluoride?

Dr. Jenny Berkovich

Have you ever been offered fluoride varnish in the pediatrician’s office? Fluoride plays a crucial role in preventing tooth decay by strengthening tooth enamel and remineralizing teeth in early stages of decay. While some misconceptions suggest fluoride is harmful or a neurotoxin, extensive scientific research has consistently shown that fluoride at recommended levels is safe and effective.

 In most places, fluoride is added to the public water supply. When fluoride is removed from water sources (like well water), communities often experience a significant increase in dental problems like cavities, particularly among children. This can lead to pain, infections, and difficulties with eating and speaking. Fluoride varnish at routine pediatrician visits is an opportunity to strengthen little teeth and prevent dental visits later.

Dr. Jennie Berkovich is a board-certified pediatrician in Chicago and serves as the Director of Education for the Jewish Orthodox Women's Medical Association (JOWMA)

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 920)