What is the point of her money if she doesn’t ever spend any of it, if she lives in a run-down home, and doesn’t dress like a mentsh?

Standing at the store checkout with your cart, the rack of sweets and knickknacks — impulse buys — catches your eye. Do you grab whatever little Srulie would like, without so much as a glance at the price? Or do you keep your focus straight ahead — if it’s not on your list, it stays out of the cart? Maybe you consider the chocolates and spend the next five minutes anxiously deliberating whether or not you should buy them?

When it comes to financial decisions, our fiscal knowledge often takes a backseat to the meanings we attach to money. These meanings, which can be either beneficial or detrimental, usually develop in childhood. According to father-and-son psychologists and financial behavior gurus Drs. Ted and Brad Klontz, the way we understand money is our “money script”: a set of beliefs that guide how we relate to money and think about it as adults. Let’s take a look at how these mindsets originate and affect us later in adulthood.

Money Avoidance: Just Don’t Think About It

Tzivia’s father Chaim worked on commission in real estate. Every few months, Chaim would receive a windfall paycheck from a sale. Both he and his wife Hadassah had trouble with self-control and would spend the money within a few weeks — on new suits, seforim, restaurants, all sorts of luxuries. Tzivia and her brothers appreciated the new things, but the money ran out all too quickly.

Chaim and Hadassah would then spend the next few weeks — sometimes months — panicking about the negative bank balances, impending tuition payments, and the growing debt. After the next paycheck arrived, they would resolve to take control, even meet with a financial counselor, but never end up going. The situation would repeat itself, over and over again. While Chaim and Hadassah were eventually able to marry off their children, Tzivia was left with an unwelcome present — financial denial.

Financial denial occurs when we minimize financial problems, explain Drs. Ted and Brad Klontz in their book, Mind Over Money (Crown Business). Some people will take it as far as avoiding their money troubles altogether, hoping they’ll just disappear. Oftentimes, financial denial stems from confusing messages about money received during childhood. For example, money was sometimes a great source of happiness for Tzivia — like when it paid for dinner out or pretty clothing.

However, she also picked up on the contradictory message that money causes stress (“When is the next windfall paycheck going to come?”), anxiety (“Can we pay the tuition bill this month?”), anger (“Why does this always happen to us?!”), shame (“People think we’re rich but we can’t afford tuition.”), and fear (“Will we have money for food?”). Instead of learning how to be responsible with money, Tzivia absorbed her parents’ up-and-down relationship with it.

This roller coaster of emotions led Tzivia to develop avoidant behaviors toward money. Opening bank statements and paying bills was a highly-charged experience, resulting in frequent late fees and growing debt. Tzivia’s financial philosophy eventually became “Better to be disconnected than deal with money.”

An additional type of money avoidance involves not just denial, but full blown rejection of money. According to Drs. Klontz, someone who experiences this type of avoidant behavior will attempt to disengage from financial matters and material goods. They may believe that “It’s not okay to have more than you need” or “Good people should not care about money.” On the extreme end, some even view money as evil, or choose to live in poverty and shun material possessions.

Money Worship: Cash is King

Pinchas’s family immigrated to the United States when he was a young boy, with only the clothes on their backs and a little cash in their pockets. Pinchas vividly remembers his parents telling him they couldn’t afford the trendy products all his friends had. Pinchas promised himself that, when he had his own money, he would buy whatever he wanted. As he got older and started growing his bank account, he also grew into an overspender.

His constant emotional longing for happiness and his perception of money as a magical potion resulted in him being unable to say “no” to himself. His money worship script drove him to become a workaholic; the more he worked, the more money he earned, and the more things he would buy.

People who worship money are convinced that money is all-powerful, that it’s the key to happiness, and the solution to all their problems. This commonly presents itself through spending excessively as money worshippers try to achieve the feelings of safety, comfort, and affection they long for. The more material things they accumulate, the more potential for happiness, they believe. Of course, they never reach this pinnacle, yet they devote their lives to the attempt (also known as “Keeping up with the Joneses”).

Even though Pinchas could afford his lavish habits, many money worshippers cannot. They can’t stop themselves from buying, however, and when they realize how close they are to maxing out their credit cards, anxiety and stress mounts — which sends them back to the shops again to squelch those feelings and try to achieve happiness.

Many people with this mindset are convinced that “just a little more money” will solve all their problems, observes Faigy Berman, a financial coach with Achiezer Community Resource Center in Far Rockaway and the Five Towns. To help her clients assess whether this belief is realistic, she asks them to pinpoint how exactly will the extra dose of cash change their situation. Oftentimes, they eventually realize that while extra cash may ease the initial discomfort, their problems run deeper than anything money can squelch.

Money Status: I Spend, Therefore I Am

In their wealthy community, Chani and Dovid’s income and net worth were far lower than the average family, which always made Chani feel left out. To put her family on equal footing with the neighbors, she threw an over-the-top gala affair at the fanciest hall for her son’s bar mitzvah, complete with the finest catering and jaw-dropping centerpieces. She cleaned out their bank account to fund the simchah, including a beautiful new sheitel and suit. Dovid was unaware of the hefty price tag on the event, as some of it was borrowed from relatives. Once he realized the financial pit they were in, his relationship with Chanie nosedived.

Chani didn’t realize that her need to host a huge simchah wasn’t because of the significance of the event; it was due to not feeling “good enough.” Unfortunately, the price tag for her self-worth was higher than she could afford.

Drs. Ted and Brad Klontz found that people with money status scripts generally equate net worth with self-worth. They tend to overspend in an attempt to give people the impression that they have more money than they actually do, and they believe people are only as successful as the amount of money they earn.

Statistically, those with money status scripts tend to have fewer assets, lower incomes, and spend their childhoods in a lower socioeconomic status. In addition to being compulsive spenders, they may look to others for financial help, and even lie to their spouses about their spending.

Money Vigilance: Waste Not, Want Not

When it came to her finances, Yaffa was very organized and responsible. She felt there should be no money secrets between spouses and therefore insisted that her husband Yaakov sit and review the finances with her once a month. When the kids eventually moved out, she slowly cut off the money stream to their accounts, which left her and Yaakov with a sizeable savings account.

Even though her house was showing wear and her clothes were becoming frayed, she was very careful about every dime. Her children scratched their heads — all this money and the guest bathtub doesn’t drain, the paint is chipping, and the car window doesn’t work — why not just spend the cash? The icing on the cake: Yaffa was adamant that the children not mention their sizeable future inheritance to their spouses.

According to research performed by Dr. Brad Klontz and Dr. Sonya Britt, assistant professor of financial planning at Kansas State University, the money vigilant tend to be alert, watchful, and concerned about their financial welfare. They firmly believe in the importance of saving and working for money, avoiding credit, and not spending more than you make. To their benefit, the vigilant tend to have higher incomes and higher net worth. They also tend to have anxiety about money matters and keep their financial status a secret.

While money vigilance sounds like “the best” money script, it can be a source of significant struggle for loved ones. Excessive wariness or anxiety can prevent the vigilant from enjoying their money and the security their bank account can provide. Further, their wariness or “stinginess” can sometimes lead to subpar or even irrational financial choices. For example, even though they pay their bills on time, they might avoid credit cards entirely to remove any possibility of financial mismanagement. Or, they might appear to be “super savers” but in reality are just too wary to spend, leading them to live in deprivation while there is plenty in the bank.

Working Through Money Scripts

You’re probably nodding your head at one of these descriptions, thinking, That’s me! We all have a money script — a way in which we relate to money and the meanings that we attach to it. Our money scripts may even be a blend of the mindsets mentioned above.

Money scripts are not necessarily detrimental. In fact, they can offer benefits to the way you live your life. But you may still need to work on developing your instinctive script into one that is more balanced. These exercises can help you ensure your money script is healthy and leads to a life of financial stability.

Rewrite Your Money Script

This first exercise involves examining your current money script and rewriting it to be more healthy and positive. Let’s use the money worship script (“money can bring me happiness”) as an example:

Start by focusing on ways that the belief “money can bring me happiness” can be accurate. For example: “Money can be used to pay my children’s tuition,” “Money can be used to give tzedakah,” or “Money can be used to buy refined clothing.”

Next, think about when your money script is inaccurate. For instance, you might say, “Money cannot change the dynamics in my relationships” or “Money cannot make me feel happy — only I can make me feel happy.”

Lastly, build a new, expanded script based on these new insights — that is, how the mindset can be both accurate and inaccurate. Your money script could look something like this: “I have the ability to be happy. Money cannot do this for me. Money can help me take care of my family and myself, and money can help me keep mitzvos and help others.”

Identifying Triggers

It’s not enough to know your script — you need to think about what what triggers unhealthy financial behavior. A trigger can be an emotion, situation, or event. For instance, emotions that precede unhealthy behaviors usually revolve around the HALT acronym popular in 12-step circles: hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. (“Afraid” can be added as well.) Situations and events which are triggers might include paying the monthly credit card bill or an argument with a family member. Identifying a trigger is incredibly beneficial because it helps you preempt an undesirable behavior.

The following exercise will help you identify and address your own triggers:

Draw a two-inch circle in the middle of a piece of paper. Draw a larger one around that, and an even larger one around the middle circle.

In the smallest circle, write down all your self-destructive financial behaviors such as “I don’t follow a budget,” or “I spend impulsively.”

In the next circle, write down all the people, places, things, beliefs, attitudes, behaviors, situations, and feelings that you experience just before you engage in the destructive behaviors you listed in the smallest circle. For example: “When I get my paycheck,” or “When I go to store.” These are your triggers.

In the largest circle, write down all the people, places, situations, feelings, behaviors, and attitudes that could help you avoid the triggers you listed in the middle circle. For example: “Get direct deposit,” or “Ask a money-wise friend to help me make a budget.”

A Motto to Live By

A “money motto” is another way of safeguarding yourself during times when unhealthy thoughts begin to surface.

Step 1: Think about a situation in which you demonstrate financial irresponsibility or unhealthiness. What do you think about in this situation? What do you feel? For example:

(Situation): Whenever I am at a chasunah, I see all the expensive dresses and shoes that I know I can’t afford.

(Money Script): I think about how we don’t have the money to afford this type of clothing and begin to wonder why. Maybe we don’t work hard enough. Or maybe we spend too much.

(Feeling): I feel ashamed and less worthy than everyone else.

Step 2: Look at your money script and rewrite it. Think of a healthier and more productive outlook.

1. I look refined and elegant and do not need to measure myself by how fancy or expensive my dress is.
2. My family has everything they need b”H and we don’t need to “keep up with the Schwartzes”. And, who’s to say that “the Schwartzes” aren’t living with major credit card debt in order to afford their lifestyle?
3. My husband and I work hard, but we aren’t workaholics who sacrifice their shalom bayis and children’s happiness for more cash.

Step 3: Based on your current reality, values, and goals, create a more healthy and realistic money script. Make sure it is positive.

My husband and I work hard in order to provide for our family’s necessities. We value our children and our shalom bayis — and no amount of money can buy that. We live within our means and feel pride at being able to do so.

Step 4: Pinpoint the values that support the new money script. This is your money motto!

Our children feeling loved and supported, a strong and happy marriage, and responsible spending are more important than the possessions we own or how we are perceived by others.

Write your money motto on an index card and carry it around with you. Tape it up in a few places that you frequent — like inside the medicine cabinet or your desk drawer at work. When you notice your triggers or are in situations that bring up your old money script, recite your money motto. Your money motto is so powerful that by merely reciting it, your subconscious feelings and emotional responses can be halted in their unwanted tracks.

Putting It into Practice

Let’s return to organized and reliable Yaffa who is so terrified of spending, she neglects regular upkeep — even though she can afford it. Her money script is money vigilance: Saving money is paramount. She understands logically that her children are right — what is the point of her money if she doesn’t ever spend any of it, if she lives in a run-down home, and doesn’t dress like a mentsh? But she feels powerless in the face of her anxiety.

Yaffa’s first step in addressing this challenge is rewriting her money script.

When is Yaffa’s money script accurate?

A robust savings account can be indispensable in an emergency, having a full bank account now means better financial cushion in the future, and keeping your savings a secret stops people from being jealous of your money.

When is Yaffa’s script inaccurate?

Spending money on things that make you feel or look good — like a new couch or pretty sweater — is important and one of the purposes of money. Spending money and financial irresponsibility are not synonymous.

Yaffa pulled together what she discovered about the accuracy of her script to create a revised script:

It is important to me to be financially responsible by having a budget and finding opportunities to be frugal. It is also important to me to always look and feel good, and make sure my family is being properly taken care of. Money should be used to fulfill these values and responsibilities.

Now that Yaffa’s rewritten her script, she’s ready to determine her triggers so she can avoid them. First, she reflects on self-defeating financial behaviors.

I don’t follow a budget that involves spending. I think that spending money will make us poor.

Next, Yaffa thinks about what happens right before she engages in the negative behavior.

It’s usually right after I pay the bills or when I begin to think about our retirement nest egg.

Yaffa brainstorms some ideas to eliminate these triggers. She realizes that she can pay her bills automatically using online banking and, with the help of her husband and even a third party financial counselor or financial planner, she can create a budget that involves spending, but also ensures that a specific amount is saved each month for retirement.

Developing her money motto is Yaffa’s last step. She pinpoints the values that support the healthy money script she just revised.

Caring for and nurturing my family and myself are more important than amassing a great deal of money and neglecting the people who matter most in the process.

Now, when Yaffa finds herself debating whether or not to buy the nice chocolates in the checkout aisle, she whips out her trusty index card to read her money motto and sometimes, just sometimes, she drops the treat into her basket.

Shop Till You’re Overdrawn?

Extreme cases of money worship lead people to develop rituals around their shopping habits. They may have special “shopping buddies,” develop a “buy-and-return” habit, or even become friends with the ever-so-familiar store clerk.

But what about the rest of us who enjoy non-ritualistic shopping with friends? Michigan State University researchers recently confirmed what we already know — women spend for reasons beyond necessity. In fact, we use shopping as a means to socialize. While it’s fun to go out and spend time with your friends, social spending can easily lead to overspending.

Here are a few tips to curb your expenditures with friends:

• According to a recent piece by marketing expert Marsha Richins in the Journal of Consumer Research, we often get more pleasure from wanting an item than actually owning it. Make a date with friends to just window-shop. Make the decision beforehand not to buy anything and leave your cash and credit card at home.
• Research shows that people’s financial habits tend to mirror their friends, so do yourself a favor and spend less time with the big spenders (even if they can afford it) and more time with a fiscally conservative bunch.
• Come up with alternate plans for pricey outings. How about inviting the gang over to your house for some popcorn and a board game instead of hitting the local restaurant?

Money on Mars versus Venus

Even within the same money script, men and women utilize money very differently. According to Liz Perle in Money, A Memoir (Picador), women prefer not to separate themselves from others and often see money as a “connector,” a way to bond to other women. In order to develop friendships with women of other socioeconomic classes, women may deliberately minimize financial differences between them by either attempting to appear wealthier or poorer.

For example, Miriam recently bought a house while her friend, Shoshana, was still a struggling renter. Whenever Shoshana visits Miriam and comments on the beauty and spaciousness of the house, Miriam is quick to say how they really can’t afford it, they barely have any money, and similar comments, to connect herself financially to Shoshana.

Men, on the other hand, use money to differentiate themselves from others, according to Pamela York Klainer, financial consultant and author of How Much Is Enough? (Basic Books) To men, buying expensive gifts or dressing in custom suits showcases their power. Men also tend to create social and political hierarchies and draw their influence from these fiscal disparities.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 373)