My efforts to grow feel useless since my husband doesn’t share them

My husband and I both come from difficult backgrounds. During our teen years, we each did hard inner work to become well adjusted and productive. When we met, in our early twenties, we bonded, recognizing in each other the core of strength that comes from introspection and striving toward growth.

The first decade of our marriage was idyllic. However, as our family grew, so did the problems and challenges. Raising kids, finances, school issues — the yoke of adulthood weighed us down, causing us to revert to the unhealthy patterns we saw in our childhood homes.

Finally, when I realized I was heading toward rock bottom, I reached out to a therapist and began working, struggling to get back to safer ground. It was a humbling experience. I had to relearn communication, life and coping skills, areas I thought I had down pat. But it’s been worth it; the results have been incredible. At least in my relationship with my children and my own sense of self.

My husband, however, hasn’t viewed these difficult situations as a wake-up call. He says he’s doing great; it’s “people” and “stuff” and “life” that are hitting him with bad luck. Whenever I suggest he may benefit from help, he explodes, insisting he’s fine and complaining that all I want to do is change him. The more I realize I’m a better, stronger person now, the more his attitude is pulling us apart.

I want so much to grow in life together, but my efforts seem useless if he isn’t interested in the same goal. Everyone says that even if just one spouse changes, a marriage can shift. But in my situation, the more I grow, the more distant I feel from my husband, who is mired in denial and anger. How do I keep our relationship strong when we have such different approaches to life’s challenges?

Rabbi Ilan D. Feldman has served as the rav of Beth Jacob of Atlanta since 1991.

As a person who has the strength and courage to look inward, you’re to be admired, especially as you do new work in areas where you thought you’d already mastered certain progress. Those people who meet the never-ending challenges of life successfully are those who never assume they’ve “made it.”

Chazal teach us that “A person’s yetzer grows strong every day and attempts to destroy him.” Thus, we must recognize that there’s never a time we can rest and desist from further accomplishments. This World isn’t designed for relaxation; it’s designed for growth, which requires work.

But we must be careful when we master this trait of growth, because it can become a liability when we subtly employ our success as a tool against others. Our yetzer never ceases to invent new ways to deprive us of our success in combating it. Self-righteousness is often the unwelcome partner to spiritual growth. “Look at me and what I’ve overcome,” it shouts. “Why won’t you join me in this realm of growth, rather than languish in the unproductive territory in which you’re wallowing?”

Obviously, we never articulate this so starkly, even internally. Nevertheless, it’s easy to slide into that perspective of others from the height of our own spiritual summit.