Why parents snap — and what they can do about it

Most parents now know the difference between “parenting” and “losing it.” It wasn’t always this way. Even just a few decades ago, many people thought that a proper display of rage was a basic parenting tool — a communication strategy meant to shake some sense into some poorly behaved youngster. Even parents who were just plain mad would, in those days, be able to deceive themselves into thinking they were only doing what needed to be done. The distinction between parental emotion and parenting strategy was blurred.

Today, we’re a bit more honest about things. We’re able to say, “Yeah, I couldn’t take it anymore. I just lost it. Of course, I felt bad about it and apologized to him.” In fact, we’re so good at making this distinction that we now feel really guilty after spewing rage at our little innocent ones (okay, maybe not that innocent, but certainly not deserving of all that fury). We wonder, “What’s wrong with me? I’m always screaming at these kids. Is it because they’re impossible? Or is it because I’m a fail-Mom?”

Our guilt makes our parenting job harder, but doesn’t solve the problem. Yes, we feel bad about ourselves, but that doesn’t lead to lasting change. In fact, it usually doesn’t lead to any change at all. What, with all our knowledge from our parenting books, classes, and courses, is not translating?

Stressed Out

Stress tends to close down access to the left prefrontal cortex — the place where all that great parenting information is organized and stored. When enough stress chemicals are released into our bloodstream, we often lose the ability to act on what we know. (“I know he’s a great guy and he loves me, but right now I’m calling him all sorts of names because I really needed that shredded cheese for dinner and he forgot to pick it up and now we don’t have anything for supper!”)

While we know that name-calling is a no-no, we may find ourselves name-calling, insulting or otherwise degrading loved ones when we’re stressed. A quick cure for this brain lapse is to give ourselves a significant fine or consequence each time we go down this path. The association between our unwholesome communication and the subsequent pain can help us keep our lips firmly closed the next time our stress attempts to push them open.

In addition, it’s important to recognize the daily stress of family life. We don’t need to be “caught off guard,” as if our negative emotion was a sudden, unexpected shock. Of course, our spouse and kids will stress us out — all day, every day! If we don’t want to add stress by hating ourselves for our poor behavior toward these important people, we need to be ready for the frustration, disappointment, and good old-fashioned rage that we’ll regularly experience. We need to intend to keep our lips closed when we’re overwhelmed by these and other unpleasant emotions. When we succeed, a small reward will help strengthen the brain circuit for restraint. The stressful moments will begin to pass uneventfully, and as a result, our overall stress level will decrease, as our well-being level increases.

Impulsivity

In addition to snapping due to stress, there are individual biological and emotional characteristics that contribute to snapping at one’s children. Some parents have inborn issues with impulsivity — a too-loose wire in the brain that leads to act-before-you-think behaviors. Although a well-known characteristic of ADHD, impulsivity is found in other conditions as well.

The strategies described above for stress need to be applied with more intensity for those who suffer from impulsivity — even stronger negative consequences, more active identification of triggers, and even more intense rewards for successful restraint. Medication can also help reduce impulsivity-induced snapping, along with the irritability that may arise out of depressive disorders, anxiety, PTSD, OCD, explosive disorders, and other mental health conditions.

Because children are triggering by their very design, it’s essential that parents maintain the strongest, calmest, most grounded daily energy possible — coming to the parenting task in a depleted state is a recipe for disaster.

Finally, parental anger can also arise out of a parenting skill deficit. Not knowing how to gain the cooperation of one’s children leads to a lot of frustration! In this case, reading some parenting books, attending parenting courses, accessing professional guidance, and other strategies that involve acquiring specific parenting tools can help resolve the difficulty.

Feeling bad about ourselves doesn’t help. Identifying the likely cause and addressing it has the greatest chance of helping us reduce our snappy behavior.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 942)