“Okay. Good insight. As humans, we generally run from things that feel unsafe — it’s a protective defense mechanism. It’s good in many scenarios — in foreign places, dangerous situations, and when someone’s getting chased by a bear.” Dina smiled generously at my lame joke. “But that defense mechanism doesn’t always serve us, like in the general day-to-day life you described. I can help you look at the reasons why negative is safe and positive is not, and help you change that thinking.”

“That sounds really good, but… uh, I don’t know how to say this. I um, have no patience to look at my past. I’ve tried therapy a couple of times and we always spend so much time looking at my family history. I had a really normal upbringing. I have good relationships. I had no significant events affect me. I just want to learn how to be in the world differently.”

I chuckled and praised Dina for her candor. “Well Dina, there is a certain process of getting to know you somewhat. You didn’t just appear out of nowhere with these thoughts. However, I totally hear you. We don’t have to spend lots of time analyzing the past. We can use an intervention called Solution Focused Brief Therapy.

“Basically, it’s where we focus on your goal of overcoming your main problem — negativity and sadness — by creating a vision of the type of future you want. Then, I help you identify your current resources and support systems that can help you reach that goal. It keeps the focus on the present, while working toward the future. How does that sound?”

“It sounds good. Really good, actually.” A small smile spread across Dina’s face. She seemed optimistic as we booked our next appointment.

I spent about two sessions learning more about Dina. I discovered that her portrayal of herself was accurate; based on what she shared, she came from a stable, connected family and had a few close friendships and many successes in her life. Dina was married to an emotionally and physically present husband. Her pregnancies and deliveries were fairly typical and her children were healthy and generally successful.

As I saw it, Dina had a lot of strength to draw from, however she continually focused on her propensity towards slight depression and isolation. Dina felt the complicated emotion of guilt overarching her low mood, mostly because she was cognitively aware of her blessings, but couldn’t connect to that feeling emotionally.

We were ready to begin the process of Solution Focused Brief Therapy (SFBT).

Problem-Free Talk

The next time I saw Dina, I started the process of “resourcing” — helping Dina recognize her strengths and abilities by analyzing past successes. One of the ways of achieving this is through problem-free talk.

Problem-free talk is conversations that appear to be unrelated to the client’s presenting problem, like discussion of leisure activities, meetings with friends, periods of relaxation, or managing previous conflicts. It’s useful in helping the client relax and in uncovering their hidden resources. Often, it is in the most problem-free areas of a client’s life that the therapist can find most of the client’s resources. Resources can be internal — such as the client’s skills, strengths, qualities, beliefs, and character traits, as well as external — supportive relationships, faith, and support groups.

I checked in with Dina at the beginning of the session. She reported the same level of agitation and low mood. When I asked her if she could share some more information about herself, she agreed.

“Dina, tell me about your favorite holiday or vacation experience.”

“Okay. Um, two years ago, my husband and I went to Eretz Yisrael. It was the first time I was there since seminary.”

“Wow, that sounds incredible! What was the occasion?”

“My husband’s sister was marrying off a child and it happened to fall out on our 15th wedding anniversary.”

“Sounds exciting! What did you do?”

“The wedding was in a suburb of Yerushalayim, but we rented an apartment in the Old City. My husband davened k’vasikin by the Kosel, I was there every day for my own tefillos. It was unreal. I even got used to those strange Old City cats that used to freak me out.”

“I’ll be freaked out by those cats forever!” I said, laughing, “What else did you guys do?”

“I booked us an activity-heavy itinerary. In the nine days we were there, we managed to go up to Tzfas and down to the south, with lots of Yerushalayim time. We were like 17-year-olds. And managed sheva brachos!”

“What you’re telling me is amazing, Dina! You told me last week that you get easily overwhelmed. I am totally overwhelmed listening to your trip, and here you are, not only having lived through it, but you planned it and consider it your best trip ever. That’s incredible! I see there are times where you can manage a lot of things at once.”

“I never thought about that. It seemed so much fun at the time. It’s true — I did handle a lot that trip.”

Dina was able to recognize a strength in one situation that could potentially be transferred to another area of her life in which the newly discovered behavior is desired.

“Okay, Dina, you just shared with me a time when things could have been super chaotic but you handled it with excitement and skill. Can you think of an example of that this week?”

“This week?! No. I was like that there because I was on vacation.”

“I hear that you’re saying things are different on holiday. It’s true. But I’m going to challenge you to recognize some of these attributes in your day-to-day life.” I gave Dina time to think. Her inner struggle was almost tangible. She was so unpracticed in thinking positively, I could sense her distress. I spent a few moments holding and validating her discomfort, and then asked her to share.

“The example I came up with is stupid,” Dina lamented.

“I find it interesting that even after you do the hard work of finding an example, you criticize and judge your example.”

“Okay. I hear what you’re saying. Self-sabotage. I get it. Alright — my big revelation: On Monday, I had parent-teacher meetings for one of the kids and the other one was having a piano lesson that night. The middle one had a school presentation that he needed help preparing for. I came home late from errands and didn’t have time to prepare supper. All this, and I had to get the little ones in bed in an hour-and-a-half. Oh, and my husband was working late that night.”

“That sounds stressful!”

“It’s normal.”

“I didn’t say it was abnormal. I said it sounds stressful. Part of the inability to see your strengths may lie in the fact that the problems or stress are inappropriately minimized or unintentionally magnified. Something to think about. Okay, so what happened on Monday?”

“Nothing major. But all the kids ate — macaroni and cut up veggies, mind you — but still food, the house was messy and not everyone took a bath, but the little ones were sleeping by the time I left, the older one agreed to help her brother with his presentation until my husband arrived, and I made it on time to PTA. I only raised my voice like, twice.”

“Wow! I have a lot to say about that. But what would you say to yourself? How would you recognize specific strengths in that scenario?”

“I would say that I managed the night pretty successfully. Everyone got their basic needs met. Okay. Maybe more than basic. It wasn’t picture-perfect, but it was nothing problematic. I was generally calm. I juggled it pretty well.”

“Fabulous! You got it! You showed a lot of ability to successfully handle a potentially chaotic night. Your homework for this week is to write down two scenarios like this. Scenarios that show strength and accomplishment, whether big or small. Does this sound manageable for you?”

“Yes, I’ll try.” Dina had committed to try to shift to a strength-based attitude.

Uncovering Hidden Resources

The next week, Dina reported that she’d recorded one or two scenarios where she’d responded differently than she’d judged herself capable of. Seeing her strengths and abilities challenged her natural inclination for self-criticism. We practiced this non-judgmental, or positive-finding approach, for a couple of weeks. I started to see subtle shifts in Dina’s cognitions.

As we moved forward, I explained to Dina that there are specific questions essential to Solution Focused therapy. The questions, which focus on identifying the client’s inner strength and resources while working towards a stated goal, are: the miracle question, and coping and exception seeking questions.

The Miracle Question

Several weeks in, I asked Dina the “miracle question.” The miracle question helps clarify goals and generates the first small steps of change as clients discover small and doable steps they can take the very next day.

“Okay, Dina. I’m going to ask you a bit of a funny question — and it may require some imagination on your part.

“After our session, you’re going to go back home, where you have unfinished computer work waiting for you, laundry, carpool, you have to make dinner, clean up dinner, serve the second shift of dinner, clean up the second shift of dinner, baths, bedtime and homework help with your older kids. Finally, it’s time to go to bed, and everyone in your house is sleeping. The house is very quiet.

“Suddenly, in the middle of the night, there’s a miracle and the problem that brought you here is resolved: You no longer have this down, desperate feeling. But, because this happens while you’re sleeping you have no idea this miracle happened.

“When you slowly wake up from your sound sleep, what would be the first sign that would make you think Hey, there must have been a miracle… the problem’s gone!?”

“I guess I’d open my eyes and not feel like I want to go back to sleep. I’d want to face the day instead of hiding under my covers.”

“Okay. Suppose you did get up and feel happier to face the day. What would be the small thing you would do then, that you didn’t do this morning?”

“I suppose I’d smile at my kids and husband. My tone would be cheerful when I wish them good morning.”

“What would your children do in response to that?”

“They’d probably be a little surprised. And less wild. They might listen better because they’re more relaxed.”

“So what would you do then that you didn’t do this morning?”

“I might make a joke. I’d compliment them. I’d send them off happily to school.”

“Okay. Sounds clear. It’s incredible how some small steps can be the building block of an entirely different day.”

By identifying something very concrete and seemingly easy to accomplish, clients feel empowered to take steps toward change that day.

“Dina, just for tomorrow, are you able to pretend that the miracle happened, and smile at your husband and kids in the morning?”

“One morning? Sure.”

“Great. And if you feel that the day was better for it, you can do it again the next day. But now, I’m just asking you to take it one day at a time.”

The next week, Dina reported that she was able to be more cheerful almost every morning. She thought of it as one simple daily task, which while it didn’t transform her whole day, made her feel better for having had positive interactions first thing in the morning. The shift in her perception of herself at the small, tangible action she was able to take, was noticeable.

“I actually feel less guilty throughout the day. I think the guilt was making me agitated,” Dina shared at the end of the session. “I don’t know if I can continue these changes but some days I actually feel… good!”

“Okay, I hear that, Dina. Next session, we’re going to look at coping questions. These will help you pinpoint when the challenges are easier and when they’re more stressful. You’re doing amazing, hard work. I know it’s not easy, but even one small change a day is something to celebrate.”

Coping and Exception-seeking Questions

The next week, Dina seemed excited. She’d maintained her “miracle morning” and was getting more comfortable with the feelings of success she was experiencing. Working from Dina’s success with the mornings, I asked Dina a series of “exception seeking questions.”

At the core of these questions is the assumption that the problem is less severe or absent at certain times. These questions get the client to pinpoint exceptional feelings of positivity, so that they can reoccur more frequently. Sometimes clients may not even be aware of the impact of the exception, and that’s where these questions are so important.

A key component of SFBT is pointing out what the client did to positively change their situation. The questions asked are future oriented and help construct solutions. By placing an emphasis on positive changes, Dina is more likely to engage in conversations with me that clearly state goals and motivations, further reinforcing solutions and successes.

Coping questions are designed to get information about client resources that may have gone unnoticed by them. Even the most seemingly hopeless story can uncover examples of coping. When the therapist shows genuine curiosity and admiration for the client, certain strengths can be highlighted without invalidating the client’s perspective.

In our first session working towards Dina’s goal of living with a happier, more positive frame of mind, I shared some of my own observations.

“Dina, you know what I’ve been thinking since I met you? That scene you described — you know, the one of all of your children playing happily. That was really amazing.”

“What’s amazing?” Dina’s eyebrows shot up and she did that nose wrinkle again.

“All the kids playing together happily, a clean house, a yummy dinner on the stove, and a mother present and calm to actually observe it — that’s every mother’s dream! I can see how things have felt challenging for you, yet I’m struck by the fact that despite your low mood and difficult feelings, on an ordinary day, your house is clean, your children are happy and well cared for, and you get some space to reflect. How do you do that?”

“Oh. Well, I actually like cooking and cleaning. It calms me. I enjoy looking at recipes and I guess I’m somewhat creative. So it’s not a big deal.”

“Not a big deal? Dina, I understand that doing household chores can have a calming effect, especially on those of us who are more anxious, but don’t minimize the effort, work, and ability that goes into all that. I’m super impressed.”

“But Abby, I’m telling you — it’s easy for me. Even when I wake up to black, heavy days, I find comfort in those things. I find it weird that you’re making such a big deal of it.”

I smiled. “I’m glad you can share that with me. And maybe what you feel is weird is getting a compliment. But I’m genuinely taken with the fact that you find solace in organization and cooking — it’s a struggle for many mothers.”

“Okay. I guess I can hear that. It’s true that even on my hardest days, my kids are well taken care of and the house is functioning. More than functioning actually.”

We shared a smile this time. Dina had found her first innate resource that is such an essential part of being a mother. It countered Dina’s problem-focused narrative, and allowed her to see a strength to focus on.

Dina was learning how she could find strength or goodness in so many different situations. The more she practiced finding exceptions, creating small “miracles,” and reframing experiences from “ordinary or not good enough” to “impressive and perfectly good enough,” the more self-confidence and insight Dina cultivated.

Scaling Questions

Because Dina was a goal-oriented person, I thought that scaling questions would give her the “proof” of progress she was likely craving. Scaling questions are useful in helping clients assess their situations, track their progress or evaluate how others might rate them on a scale of 0-10. It can be used in many ways, especially with children.

During the first session, I asked Dina “On a scale of 0 -10, 10 being the worst possible emotion, how bad has the problem been?” Dina answered a 6. After about five sessions, I returned to the same question.

“Dina, on a scale of 0-10, how bad has the problem been since you started sessions?”

“I’d say some days a 5 and some days up to about a 4.”

“Wow! That’s a 10-20% decrease in just a few weeks! Amazing. How do you feel about that?”

“I feel good. I can’t say I’m never back to a 6, or even sometimes a 7, but generally, things have become easier. I’m surprised, actually, because I’d noticed things were better, but I hadn’t realized how much; I guess because every day there’s just a little improvement. It’s cool to think of it as 20% better.”

“Well, it’s all you — it’s your inner strength, determination, and natural abilities. Great work!”

I continued to see Dina for several sessions after that. At about the four month mark, it was clear she’d acquired enough insight into her resources and strengths to make better choices throughout the day. She was more in control of her thoughts and feelings and felt better about herself. The guilt was gone, and true joy was steadily seeping into her heart.

“Dina, it’s our last session. You know the door is always open for you to return should you need a reminder as to how amazing you are, but I see such a different Dina sitting here today. Okay, last time: on a scale of 0 -10, 10 being the worst, how bad has the problem been?”

“A two!” Dina said, and burst into tears.

“You’re crying!” I exclaimed. “Why?”

“It’s that joy again. But this time, I’m not surprised by it. I’m not scared of it. I’m getting used to it — and it’s such a good feeling!”

Dina walked out of my office on a seasonally cold day, grey and pouring. Yet as I watched her walk away, I was certain that this time she was feeling the sunshine.

SFBT for Beginners

Create the Miracle: Create your own “miracle” question. You can ask your spouse or a friend for help. Identify one goal for the future and choose one small action to change that will help you live your miracle.

Find those “coping” and “exceptional” moments: When you react differently (exceptionally) to an unwanted situation, write it down as acknowledgement. For additional positive reinforcement, reward yourself with a treat, small gift, or loving self-care action.

Scaling Questions: When things feel overwhelming, or when you start seeing progress, start scaling in order to get a subjective, yet consistent read on your feelings and actions.

Self-affirmations: Acknowledge your strengths and inner resources by saying or writing self-affirmations. Keep a “strengths” notebook, where you jot down your positive traits or actions even amidst conflict or a less desirable situation. Read it occasionally.

Disclaimer: This article is for psycho-educational purposes only, not diagnostic purposes, and does not serve as a replacement for individual therapy. Situations are a composite of people and situations and all identifying details have been changed.

Abby Delouya maintains a private practice in Montreal and works in schools as a youth and addictions counselor.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 627)