The Rubber Band Club: Part IV
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M OTHER It’s only now that I realize how stiff Mordy used to be. I love seeing him more chilled out. His face lights up when he laughs.
FATHER I did this to make my wife happy and I see it also made my son happy so I admit that I’m happy.
MORDY How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one but the light bulb has to really want to change!
Mordy’s mother had complained about him not getting along with his siblings particularly Yitzy who’s directly beneath him. It’s hard to get along with rigid kids! I invite Yitzy to join our next session.
Remembering Mordy’s Lego comment I’m ready with a huge bin of Lego. “I want each of you to build a building ” I instruct. Mordy builds a predictable three-story building in brick colors. Yitzy’s building twice the height of Mordy’s has varying widths an array of colors a helipad and swimming pool.
“Your results are completely different ” I observe. “Who followed my instructions?”
“I did ” says Mordy.
“I did!” says Yitzy.
“You both did ” I confirm “but your results are so different. That’s because people think differently and have different perspectives. Neither of you are more ‘right’ or ‘wrong.’ Both viewpoints are legitimate.”
I offer each boy a Laffy Taffy. “What do you do when a baby astronaut cries?” I read aloud. “You rocket!”
Yitzy guffaws but Mordy doesn’t get it. “Rocket!” Yitzy cries. “Astronaut rocket baby rock it—get it?”
Mordy scowls.
I can see that having Yitzy around is not going to be conducive for the next skill so at the following session I have a local circular prepared. “Here businessman ” I kid to Mordy “your business is going to need a name no? Look through this for some ideas.”
Mordy points to a full-page ad. “I got my Pesach suit there.” The store is called Suits Me Fine.
“Nice. Why do you think they call it Suits Me Fine?”
Mordy looks at me like I’m crazy. “They sell suits.”
“Can you think of another meaning for the word suit?”
I introduce Mordy to the concept of a play on words. “Suits Me Fine also implies that this suit will look great on you ” I explain. I point to an ad for a discount store called Hats Off. “They sell hats ” says Mordy.
“‘Hats Off’ is an expression of acknowledgement ” I explain. “It means ‘Good job!’ They’re implying something positive about their hats. But that’s not all. Read the ad carefully. What’s special about their store?”
Mordy reads aloud “Last year’s stock at sale prices.”
“Can you think of another reason they use the word ‘off’?”
We practice for a bit and then Mordy starts to laugh. “In first grade ” he shares shyly “we were coloring while my rebbi told us the parshah how Yosef got thrown into a pit. I thought he meant a peach pit — that’s what I drew — Yosef in a peach pit!” He shakes his head. “How was I supposed to know there was another kind of ‘pit’?”
“Flexible thinking ” I say. “That wouldn’t happen now!”
“Yeah ” says Mordy. “That would be the pits!”
Bring It Home
Flexible thinking is a skill that takes lots of practice. Here are some strategies to help rigid children learn to be more flexible in their thinking and behavior:
Plan B Introduce the concept of “Plan B ” and use the term frequently. Model flexibility by sharing your thought process: “I was planning to do a big grocery shopping but it’s raining. I guess I’ll have to go with Plan B and make a grocery order for the basics.” Reinforce every occasion that your child conceives a Plan B or agrees to execute Plan B with praise or a reward.
Look Again Introduce your child to optical illusions (such as pictures that can appear as two different scenes) to demonstrate the concept that two people see completely different things from the same scenario — and they can both be right. Reference the term “optical illusion” as a cue to redirect your child when he’s getting stuck on his own viewpoint.
Draw It Another game that trains kids to think flexibly: Give each child an identical page blank except for a random squiggle somewhere on the page. Each child needs to draw a picture that incorporates that squiggle as part of the scene. Or one player can draw several different pictures utilizing the identical squiggle. Games such as these train kids to see several possibilities in a given situation and condition them to expect others’ ideas to be different from their own.
Keep Asking Black-and-white thinkers assume there is only one right way of looking at something — their way. Ask open-ended questions and solicit an opinion from each child around the table or solicit multiple answers from one child. For example “If you had $20 to spend in the toy store what would you buy?” Or for older children “If you were going to get stuck in a store during a storm which store would you prefer and why?”
Play Psychologist Read letters to the editor and have your child try to get into the mind of the person who wrote the letter. For example if a letter writer complains that people leave outdoor toys scattered outside ask: What kind of person likely wrote this letter? What kind of neighborhood would you guess they live in? How old do you think they are? Why do you think the issue bothers them? Alternatively ask your child to imagine the viewpoint of another person in the situation referenced in the letter: What do you think the kids in the neighborhood would reply? What might their parents think? (Originally featured in Family First Issue 540)
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