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The Book of Swerds

I share some excerpts with you, my faithful readers, because this level of truth and clarity is not easy to come by

While cleaning for Pesach, I discovered a collection of wise, ancient sayings in a heavy, leather-bound tome. You can tell it’s authentic because it is leather-bound, and because I referred to it as a tome. Through a fine layer of dust I read the title, The Book of Swerds: A Parenting Manual. I share some excerpts with you, my faithful readers, because this level of truth and clarity is not easy to come by.

“Live your life with the same dedication, determination and laser focus as an eight-year-old boy who is committed to hitting his brother back last.”

The Book of Swerds(Introduction)

When you come across this gem in the introduction, you just know this book is going to be chock-full of knowledge. It’s inspirational quotes like this one that really hit home and motivate us to be the best versions of ourselves.

I’ll understand if you want to take a minute to get some paper and a pen to take notes before continuing.

“And on Sunday the sun stopped in the midst of heaven and did not hurry to set for what seemed like three whole days.”

The Book of Swerds (23:10)

People like to complain about Mondays being hard, citing how difficult it is to get back to work/school after a weekend. Here we find an unpopular opinion: Sunday is the killer, and Monday takes the fall.

Time works differently on Sundays.

By “works differently” I mean you could be helping your children with baking and crafty things for hours, and then a glance at the clock shows you that it’s only 10:45 a.m. You realize that either your clock is broken or you still have a whole day left to fill.

It’s true that time passes more slowly when you’re on a treadmill and when your five-year-old is in the middle of telling a story. But on Sundays, time doesn’t just slow down, it simply… stops.

“A mother will do anything for the sake of her children. Except the expensive chocolate.”

The Book of Swerds (11:19)

All is fair in love and parenting, and when the child in question considers chocolate chips to be a high-quality treat, perhaps we shouldn’t feel guilty for hiding our favorite chocolate so that it can remain untouched by tiny fingers, left to be eaten by a mother in absolute secrecy.

We don’t get to make the rules, we can only follow them. This one appears to be ironclad.

“There is no one as furious as a three-year-old whose sandwich was cut the wrong way.”

The Book of Swerds (27:9)

Do you hear that sound? The scream that shakes the house and has people running to check if there has been a wild animal invasion in the kitchen or perhaps an accident with a sharp object, causing profuse bleeding?

Not to worry, it is none of those things. Just a mom, her son, and a sandwich with the crust cut off the wrong way.

We have not yet determined which way is the right way; we only know that it isn’t this one.

That scream is just a mom, her son, and a sandwich with the crust cut off in the wrong way

“Whose reflexes are the quickest? A fully dressed-to-go-out mom trying to make it out the door before her toddler’s sticky hands find her.”

The Book of Swerds (17:12)

I have to be honest; we train for this. We moms do take courses to assess our ability to successfully navigate the potential land mines of parenthood. We focus on skills such as silently slipping out of a sleeping child’s bedroom without waking him up, and eating candy without detection, but even the best and quickest can stumble. Like that time I congratulated myself on having left the house to run errands in clothing that was spotlessly clean only to realize when I arrived back home that I had a yellow lollipop stuck to the back of my skirt the entire day.

“No matter how many toys you have in your house, your children will all want the exact same toy at the exact same time.”

The Book of Swerds (15:15)

There is no rhyme or reason to this, but it will take place 96 percent of the time. The toy in question may be old, it may be broken, it may have gone ignored in the playroom for months. All this does not matter: The very moment one child finds it intriguing, it becomes the sole object of obsession for the entire family. There is a reason we nominate each other for the Nobel Peace prize. We’ve earned it.

These nuggets of knowledge should be read, reread, processed, and pondered over. As a public service, this publication will continue to share additional wisdom from this ancient work — just as soon as it is uncovered.


(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 840)

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