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s Leah’s conversations improve, we begin working on her affect. Leah’s tone is consistently flat and she lacks the sparkle that makes conversation exciting.

“Do you have any hobbies?” I ask Leah.

“Not really.” A shrug.

“Is there anything you’re ‘into’? Any topics you feel strongly about?”

“Not really.”

“When your family sits around the dinner table, what do you talk about?”

“Well, my father talks about the news and my brother talks about politics.”

“Does anyone ever get into debates over areas where they disagree?”

“Uh, yeah, I guess.”

“Can you give me an example?”

“Umm… my brothers are always talking about the cost of living and the standard of living.”

“And what’s your opinion?”

Another shrug. “My mother says to live within your means and it’s okay to say no to your kids.”

I make one last attempt to draw her out. “What kind of boy do you want to marry?”

“Uh, a nice guy… with a good job… like my mother says.”

Together, Leah and I brainstorm some things that could interest her. “What appeals to you?” I ask. “Art? Fashion? Education? If I told you that you had to spend an hour a day on a hobby, what would you pick?”

“Ummm… I like it in the bakery,” Leah says weakly.

“If you could pick any job in the bakery what would it be?”

“I guess… making those beautiful cakes and miniatures. They’re so cool.”

Leah is more animated than I’ve ever seen her before. “You have homework,” I tell her. “You need to identify an area of interest — cake decorating or anything you care about — and find a way to develop it. Take a course, read a book, spend time developing something you enjoy.”

Leah’s mother gets homework too.

“It’s very generous that you give so much of your time to chauffeur Leah around,” I explain. “But Leah needs to develop an identity, an independence, a sense of self. It’s time for her to take responsibility for her own life.”

Her mother looks anxious. “How?”

“Let her make choices on her own. Let her choose her own clothes, learn to drive, make her own appointments. If she wants to learn cake decorating, let her research it and sign up for a course herself. She has to ‘own’ herself. Right now she’s just a pareve version of her potential self.”

It’ll take continued hard work, but the real Leah can blossom. The greatest win for her will be a new depth in her connection with the people around her. For the first time, Leah will experience the joy that comes from close relationships.

Take It Home

Self-development and relationship development impact each other in a positive cycle. Here are some ways you can develop yourself and your social relationships:

Nurture your talents and pursue hobbies. Make sure you have things in your life that you enjoy and feel excited about.

When talking to others, ask them about their interests, hobbies, and talents. Store their passions in your mental “people file” so you can ask them about it again another time. When you show you care about what they care about, you show you care about them.

Sharing information about yourself also builds relationships. When talking about your life or experiences, don’t give too much background. Get to the point of the story quickly to keep your listener engaged.

Pay attention to what the people around you tend to discuss. This will help you converse with them about topics they are interested in and will also give you a broad repertoire of topics so that you don’t always talk about the same thing. Conversation should range across these four categories:

• what’s happening in your life
• what’s happening in their life
• areas where your lives intersect, like an upcoming simchah or event
• what’s happening in the world at large

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 642)