When the roots are firmly planted, even a temporary blow to our ego can be survived

Ten Fears — Part II

Sara Eisemann

IN our last installment we explored five fears that might hold people back from living life to the fullest. Today we’ll continue with the next five fears identified by Amy Morin, LCSW.

6) Fear of Bad Things Happening

This is the ubiquitous, pending fear of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Whether it is based on misinformation about ayin hara or the cyclical reality of life — that good times are sometimes eventually followed by hard times — we often internalize a sense of pending doom that significantly mars our ability to enjoy the present.

7) Fear of Getting Hurt

Hashem created us with built-in mechanisms for protecting ourselves from getting hurt, which are critical to our physical and emotional survival. But often when we’ve been traumatized, we sense danger and hurt even when they may not exist. Learning to differentiate between real and perceived danger allows us to take calculated risks.

8) Fear of Being Judged

It is amazing how much power we ascribe to others’ ability to judge us. While it’s true that people who judge can cause us harm through their subsequent actions, it’s also true that no one can actually touch our inner, innate worth. The sense of shame we feel when we’re judged can be excruciating, but when we recognize that we’re outsourcing our worth, we can reclaim it by realigning ourselves with the knowledge that we’re a cheilek Eloka mi’maal. And no one can touch that.

9) Fear of Inadequacy

Closely tied to a fear of being judged is a fear of being inadequate, which is sometimes just judgment turned inward. The shame that accompanies this feeling can literally paralyze us as we step forward to do the next thing and unceremoniously bump into a wall of doubt. How can we take the next step when we question whether we’re actually capable of taking the next step or if it will be good enough when we finally do? Just as with the fear of judgment, a strong sense of self can help protect us from crumbling even if we do fail. A core sense of self will help us differentiate between not succeeding at something versus not being enough.

10) Fear of Loss of Freedom

And, finally, in an ironic twist, there are those who are so afraid of losing their freedom that they become crippled in their ability to make a decision. The chronic dater who rejects date after date because he worries that someone better may be around the bend and doesn’t want to cut off his options might find himself missing the joy that commitment brings. There is freedom in making a decision.

A look at this list reveals a pattern wherein we can push past our fears if we feel grounded in our intrinsic value and in our connection to Hashem. Fear casts its greatest net over a wobbly interior that can be knocked over easily. But when the roots are firmly planted, even a temporary blow to our ego can be survived.

Sara Eisemann, LMSW, ACSW, is a licensed therapist, Directed Dating coach and certified Core Mentor.

Accurate Language

Abby Delouya

U

sing broad, exaggerated, or dramatic language can often lead to misunderstandings and frustration. This is especially true when we speak to our spouses in extremes. Using the words “always” or “never” contribute to all-or-nothing, black-and-white thinking that interprets situations in the extremes. We tend to use these words to prove a point or to express the depth of our emotions, but because these words are almost always inaccurate, the listener tends to get defensive or shut down.

Exaggerations fuel conflict. One of the reasons we exaggerate is because an accurate statement fails to elicit the response we think is appropriate to the occasion. But statements, “You always leave your socks on the floor” or “You never answer the first time I call you,” can easily devolve into a scorekeeping conversation, and lead the couple off topic, away from the feelings these actions cause. This extreme language also downplays or ignores the neutrals or positives.

Control extreme language by pausing and asking yourself: Is this statement 100 percent accurate? If it’s not, what am I trying to convey, and is it being said in a way that my spouse can hear and accept what I need to share? Instead, share your perception tied to a feeling. Instead of saying, “You never answer the phone when I call,” try, “It’s disappointing when you don’t always answer the first time I call because it makes me feel unimportant.”

Accuracy presents the issue with no distractions. Using truthful communication can build closeness and trust, and fosters the ability to problem solve in a couple-oriented way.

Abby Delouya, RMFT-CCC, CPTT is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice, specializing in trauma and addiction. Abby is also the COO and Director of Intake of Ray of Hope.

Compassion in the Right Place

Shira Savit

“Being compassionate with myself doesn’t work when it comes to my eating,” many women express with frustration. “I was so compassionate and allowed myself to eat all the cinnamon buns, and now I feel horrible.”
Compassion isn’t about allowing ourselves to eat whatever we want; it’s about the way we talk to ourselves. It’s not about indulging in cake because you’re stressed, or finishing your kids’ leftovers because it’s easier than preparing your own plate.

A simple way to understand this is: Before we eat, we focus on making choices that align with our health goals. That is our hishtadlus. Afterward, if we feel we’ve overeaten or eaten incorrectly, that’s when we should bring in compassion.

Compassion for yourself is not a reason to eat whatever we want, but rather a tool to treat ourselves kindly after we’ve eaten, regardless of the choices we’ve made. Building compassion takes time and practice as we learn to replace negative self-talk with a more understanding and supportive inner dialogue.

Shira Savit, MA, MHC, INHC is a mental health counselor and integrative nutritionist who specializes in emotional eating, binge eating, and somatic nutrition. Shira works both virtually and in person in Jerusalem.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 911)