One of the guiding principles in therapy is “name it to tame it” 

Ten Fears — Part I

Sara Eisemann

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” — FDR

One of the guiding principles in therapy is “name it to tame it.” It’s believed that being able to identify a phenomenon is the first step to mastering it.

To that end it might be useful to identify the various fears that impede our full expression of personal potential. Naming the fear allows us to study it and possibly contract it so it becomes workable. Remember, naming something shrinks it into the parameters of that object or concept. At times, this can minimize an emotion or an experience in a way that is invalidating. But other times, shrinking it can contain it in a way that makes it manageable.

Today we’ll study five of the top ten fears, identified by psychotherapist Amy Morin, which hold people back in life, and will im yirtzeh Hashem explore the rest in another installment.

Fear of Change

We crave predictability. It provides the ultimate illusion of control. If I know how a dynamic, event, or interaction will play out, I can position myself to stay safe and get what I need. When things change, I can’t strategize and I feel like I’m at the mercy of the moment.

This fear has grown to epic proportions in our rapidly changing world. No sooner do we fool ourselves into thinking we’ve mastered a trend, than a new one comes along. For many people, this torrential rush is enough to keep them from engaging in any change at all.

Fear of Loneliness

We need connection. As badly as our bodies need food and water, our souls need connection. In the words of the great songwriter Abie Rotenberg: “and loneliness is worst of all, I’m sure you will agree.” We fear that sense of disconnection from others in a very deep way, and this sometimes drives us to make poor relationship choices that hurt us rather than nourish us.

Fear of Failure

This is a big one. Failure is inextricably bound to shame. Failing, especially at a task that we define ourselves by, can reinforce feelings of unworthiness inside of us. It can make us question our own value to the world. And if the failure is public, it can diminish our feeling that we have a right to exist in the context of others. Failure stings, and many folks are so afraid of the poke that they’ll even forfeit potential adventure, success, and meaningful engagement to avoid the sharp pain.

Fear of Rejection

If failure hurts, rejection hurts even more. With failure, one can find themselves questioning their efficacy in the world and whether what they bring to the table is of any value. With rejection, one questions whether their entire essence is of any value. The devastation of being rejected clouds any attempt to reach out and create a deeper bond, both with strangers and with loved ones.

Fear of Uncertainty

There are no guarantees that trying something new will bring about an improvement in one’s lot or life. This alone can keep someone stuck.

A review of this list reveals a theme. The gifts of life are available for collection, but many people deprive themselves because it’s easier to stay in the safe and familiar. We will b’ezras Hashem continue to identify more fears that keep people stuck, in the next installment.

Sara Eisemann, LMSW, ACSW, is a licensed therapist, Directed Dating coach and certified Core Mentor.

A Piece of the Truth

Shoshana Schwartz

H

ave you ever gotten into a “he-said/she-said” conversation  — when you know for a fact your teenager rolled his eyes when you asked him to sweep, but he knows for a fact that he rolled his eyes after you grimaced and blew out a sharp breath?

Who’s right?

With no outside observer to verify the chronology, each of you is left feeling aggravated and misunderstood.

There’s a well-known parable, “The Blind Men and the Elephant,” in which several blindfolded men touch a different part of an elephant. One thinks it feels like a snake, another like a tree, yet another like a rope, and one believes it’s a wall. Each man’s experience is true — yet incomplete.

However, being told you only hold a “piece” of the truth can feel invalidating. You know what you saw, right? Allowing someone else to maintain their version of events might seem like admitting you’re wrong. It might even cause you to doubt your own sanity.

Here’s where the Doppler effect, a principle from physics, can help. Imagine hearing a siren. As it approaches, the pitch gets higher, and as it moves away, the pitch lowers. The sound waves haven’t changed, but your perception has — simply because of your position relative to the sound source.

The same is true in life. Our “truth” is shaped by our unique perspective, just as others’ truths are. (In fact, if you experienced this exact event several seconds earlier or later, or standing in a slightly different place, your truth would again look different.)

Each person’s experience is valid, even if it differs from others. Recognizing this can help de-escalate conflicts, as both perspectives can be correct in their own context. This can lead to more empathetic and effective communication, fostering mutual respect even in disagreement.

Shoshana Schwartz specializes in compulsive eating, codependency, and addictive behaviors. She is the founder of SlimHappyMama.

Therapy Around the World

Sarah Rivkah Kohn

Medicine isn’t the same around the world. In India, wound treatment isn’t the same as it would be in a New York City hospital. Birthing procedures and length of hospital stays (if at all!) vary from Europe to the US to Africa. Surgeries considered optional in one country are considered necessary in another. Some factors that cause these differences are cultural, training-based, and environmental.

We accept this with medicine.

When it comes to mental health, it’s no different.

Mental health training isn’t the same. Treatment isn’t the same. Again, culture, training, and environment play huge roles.

When a doctor moves countries, he/she often needs to retrain or redo rounds. It’s the same with the therapy world.

That’s why it can get confusing when a UK-based therapist trains a US group of therapists or an Israeli-trained clinician trains an Australian therapist. Therapy is the sum of many things. Therapists from different countries will have a different take on what the goal of therapy is, what’s normal, and what modalities are accepted.

This is why, even when living in another country, one often does best with a therapist trained in their country of origin. There’s a cultural connection and a similarity of mindset, and that takes the therapy miles ahead.

Sarah Rivkah Kohn is the founder and director of Links Family, an organization servicing children and teens who lost a parent.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 910)