How can trauma affect a marriage, and what can you do about it?

Supporting a Traumatized Spouse 

Abby Delouya RMFT-CCC, CPTT

IN recent years, discussions and articles about trauma treatment have become prolific. We’re learning that people suffer from many types of trauma — relational trauma, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), complex PTSD, among other trauma- related conditions. Comorbidities (additional occurring conditions) can often be present, such as anxiety, depression, and substance/behavioral addictions.

No man (or woman) is an island, which means that people in the orbit of trauma survivors are also affected by how the trauma plays out. What happens when your spouse is affected by trauma? How can trauma affect a marriage, and what can you do about it?

Trauma manifests in many ways: irritability, insomnia, memory problems, mood swings, fear, withdrawal, numbness, sadness, difficulty concentrating, muscle tension, body aches, fatigue, headaches, and nightmares, among other symptoms.

Sometimes the trauma trigger isn’t easily identified and these symptoms manifest with no warning. Sometimes it’s easy to make the connection between our bodily and emotional reactions and our trauma. There’s capital “T” Trauma — significant and recurring trauma (abuse, neglect, betrayal, war, accidents, etc), and lowercase “t” trauma — smaller difficult situations that haven’t been processed properly, and cause a large emotional burden.

In marriage, resurfacing trauma can look like this: Shimon and Shevy go out for a rare date night. In the middle of the main course, Shevy hears a voice that makes her blood run cold. Just three tables away, she spots the source of her childhood trauma — the bully who made her life miserable for four years, until her family moved away. Shevy notices how this woman looks almost exactly like her younger self, down to the way she throws her head back to laugh and flick her sheitel.

Suddenly, Shevy is no longer the 26-year-old, self-assured happy adult she’d been moments before — she’s been transported back into a world of injustice and pain. She freezes and goes numb, a technique she learned to protect herself from her bully. Shevy retreats into herself and cannot even articulate what happened; she looks ill and miserable. Shimon assumes it’s a first- trimester wave and asks for the bill. They leave, Shevy falls asleep in the car, and is withdrawn the rest of the night.

What can Shimon do? How can a spouse be tuned in and supportive in such a situation?

People who experience trauma are in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode. These are adaptive mechanisms people learn when the body feels like it’s fighting for survival (the trauma response).  If it looks like your spouse is in such a place, they may need support and stability. To help your spouse and avoid it turning into a marital issue, try to use DIPS:

D — Don’t be Defensive

I — Inquire without judgment

P — hold the Pain

S — Support physically and emotionally

Here’s how it may look in Shimon and Shevy’s case:

Shimon: Shevy, I’m worried about you. I’ve never seen you run out of a restaurant like that before.

Shevy: (Freezes and feels shame) I’m sorry.

Shimon: It’s okay.  I’m just curious why that happened. Was it something I did?

Shevy: (Surprised) No! I was having such a nice time.  I saw someone who really hurt me in the past and it brought up difficult feelings. I don’t feel like I can share all that  now though (tears up).

Shimon: I understand. What can I do to help you?

Shevy: I’m really exhausted. Do you mind ordering pizza for the kids? I need to nap.

When there’s safety in a relationship, it’s much easier to process trauma and ensure it doesn’t escalate or turn into a bigger marital issue. When someone is experiencing recurring trauma symptoms, it’s important to seek help from a licensed professional. If it’s a chronic manifestation, the spouse should seek support as well.

Abby Delouya RMFT-CCC, CPTT is a licensed Marriage and Family therapist in private practice with a speciality in trauma and addiction. Abby lives in Monsey, NY and maintains her practice in Canada.

Bitachon Defined 

Dina Schoonmaker

In his groundbreaking Emunah and Bitachon, the Chazon Ish dispels some myths regarding bitachon. Many people think having bitachon means believing that everything will work out exactly as we want it to. But that’s not what it is.

Emunah means believing two things: first, no circumstance is random, and second, everything is carefully directed by Hashem Who loves me and knows what’s best for me.

When thinking about the outcome of a situation that worries me, I need to realize I don’t know what the outcome will look like. I do know that whatever the outcome will be, it will be framed in gold, since Hashem chose it for me.

Emunah is that belief; bitachon is when that knowledge filters into our hearts and our behaviors. My actions and feelings when something doesn’t go well is a reflection of my bitachon. One can have emunah without bitachon, but there’s no bitachon without emunah. Both are the work of a lifetime.

Dina Schoonmaker has been teaching in Michlalah Jerusalem College for over 30 years. She gives women’s vaadim and lectures internationally on topics of personal development.

Boomeranging Emotions 

Shoshana Schwartz 

When experiencing an uncomfortable emotion, we often try to dispose of it as fast as we can, by any means possible.

Instead: Pause, feel, accept for that moment.

Emotion that isn’t processed is like a boomerang. We can try to fling it away, but it flies right back in our faces.

Shoshana Schwartz specializes in addiction and codependency. She gives in-person and online addiction prevention lectures and workshops to education and mental health professionals, community leaders, and parent groups, as well as 12-Step workshops for nonaddicts.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 803)