Sharona: If this works, I’ll develop a real connection with David, instead of just being a service provider. It’s not only David who stands to gain.

Therapist: David does not have a true disorder. Sharona is learning that ultimately, therapy cannot replace what a parent can do naturally.

David: I’m a little suspicious of this sudden interest, but I like it… I think.

S

harona is back for follow-up.

“How did it go?”

She looks deflated. “I’m not sure. David didn’t really open up.”

I nod. “Whenever you’re changing an ingrained behavior, it takes time. David is probably going to be really quiet on your first few attempts.”

Sharona looks exasperated.

“Remember, move into his zone. Make it very personal. Make eye contact. Verbally tell him, straight out, how meaningful your time together is. When he shares an opinion, tell him how much you like hearing his ideas. When he shares an experience, tell him how much you value that.”

“I have a question,” Sharona says. “So let’s say I spend lots of time with David and we develop a strong relationship — great. But I also want David to develop other relationships, like with his father and siblings. Or even neighbors. New people he meets. I want him to be able to talk to anyone.”

This brings us to the second step: modeling.

“You need to model the kind of behavior you want David to develop,” I explain to Sharona. “David needs to see healthy conversations and communication. Not just ‘hi, bye,’ when your husband comes in and you fly out the door. If David never sees others talking together, he’s never going to learn to talk to others.”

“Um, gather the whole family together so they can watch us talk about our day?”

“Maximize the opportunities when the family is already gathered together. Suppertime, Shabbos seudos. Go around the table and give everyone a chance to contribute their opinion.”

“He never participates in these discussions.”

“He’s overwhelmed by everyone talking over each other. Go around asking each child to share their opinion. Give him his own turn to talk.”

“And then it happens automatically?”

“You’ll help him along, like I’m helping you along. You’ll model for him, like I’m modeling for you. You’ll ask him to help his siblings with their Lego inventions or their homework. If Zacky has a question about science, you can send him to ask David. He’ll get better with practice.”

I see Sharona is going to need some preparation. “At first he’s going to sound awkward. He doesn’t know how to make conversation outside of his small circle of science-geek friends. He might ask awkward questions, or too many technical questions; he doesn’t get the rhythm of a conversation yet. Now he talks too little; he might even go to the other extreme and talk too much. It’s going to take him time to get that give-and-take right.”

“Are you sure he doesn’t need therapy?”

“He doesn’t need a therapist, Sharona. He needs you. The best way to teach healthy relationships is through healthy relationships.”

You’re modeling at every moment. Make sure to model the kind of conversations you want your kids to have  —  being respectful to a waiter, engaged with a spouse, and patient with a grandparent.

Sharona wants David to shmooze and be friendly; she’s going to have to stop zooming around and spend time shmoozing with him and other family members.

Therapy is no replacement for real-time practice!

Take It Home

If you want your child to develop deep relationships and good social skills, create an environment that will be conducive to social relationships:

• Keep it quiet and calm.
• Open a conversation about his interests
• Be fully present. Do not appear bored or rushed. Your child should feel like you enjoy spending time with him!
• Make sure your other children are not around and demanding attention.
• Get rid of the phone. Don’t put it on vibrate, don’t put it on silent — get it out of the room altogether.
• Give your child plenty of time. Quantity time also matters!
• Tell your child how much you enjoy being with him, schmoozing with him, and hearing his thoughts and ideas.
• Spending time with both parents is even more special and valuable than with just one.
• When spending time with your child,
• model the skills you want him to display:
• Make eye contact
• Show interest by asking questions
• Offer specific feedback and compliments, i.e.,“I never knew that! How does it work?” instead of just, “Mhhhmm.”
• Model back-and-forth discussions, beyond the short “Hi,” “Bye,” and “Can you pick up some milk?”
• Initiate family discussions around the table. It might take some work to keep the give-and-take going. Ask open-ended questions and solicit opinions from each person.
• Involve him with his siblings in ways that give him the opportunity to use his new skills, like helping them with their homework or Lego projects.

Originally featured in Family First, Issue 595. D. Himy, M.S. CCC-SLP, is a speech-language pathologist in private practice for over 15 years. She is the creator of the Link-It reading comprehension and writing curriculum for elementary school students and directs continuing education programs for speech-language pathologists and educators.