Sharona: This whole thing is not my type. I’d rather take him for therapy!

Therapist: Because Sharona’s and David’s personalities are so different, developing their relationship will take extra effort.

David: Sometimes I wonder if I’m adopted.

“Good news for you!” Sharona announces when I pick up the phone. “You don’t have to talk me into therapy for David. I recognize that he needs help, and I’m ready to do whatever he needs.”

“I have good news for you, then,” I return. “David does not need therapy.”

“What?? You saw him!”

“I saw a pleasant kid, introverted, very bright, whose social skills need a little polish. He just needs to learn to talk to people and build relationships.”

“How’s he going to do that without therapy?”

“Didn’t you say you were ready to do whatever he needs?”

“I’m not a therapist!”

“Did you get therapy to learn how to talk and relate to people?” I counter. “The skills David needs are going to be learned on the ground, at home. You’re the therapist! First, you’re going to work on developing your relationship with him. That will give him skills for other relationships.”

I ask Sharona about the family’s lifestyle. She paints a familiar picture: Dad leaves at 6 a.m., Mom manages the morning chaos single-handedly. During school hours, Mom sees clients (she’s an interior designer). After school, the afternoon segues into homework-bath-bedlam.

“I only survive because of my phone,” Sharona proclaims. “It’s my right hand and my brain.”

Sharona agrees to meet in person to discuss things further. I introduce her to the “Five Love Languages” described by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell: acts of service, giving gifts, touch, words of affirmation, quality time.

“What’s your love language?” I challenge her. “How do you give to the people you love?”

“Acts of service,” Sharona says immediately. “I make them dinner, bring their stuff to the cleaners, get their bikes fixed, buy them chemistry supplies…”

“And what do you think David’s love language is?”

She thinks. “Quality time,” she says finally. “If I’d sit in his room and let him show me his projects, he might talk to me.”

“So, step one to help David have better relationships — modify his environment so it supports his social style. You’re a designer. You know presentation is everything.”

“Of course.” She smirks. “Like my super-sophisticated mishloach manos: water and Zazas. It’s all about the packaging.”

“Exactly.” We laugh. “So here’s how you package time with David.” I gesture to the room around us. “You make time for him where you’re really free to be present, like we’re doing now.”

She nods. “You make eye contact, like we’re doing now.”

“Okay.”

“And you relax and have fun.”

“Like we’re doing now, huh.” She grins.

“Exactly.”

“What else?”

“Ask questions about whatever he shares, probing deeper — just like you just did with me. That’s how you show interest — by asking questions.”

I glance at the clock. We have ten more minutes. “And you set aside a chunk of time.”

She waves her phone. “I’ll put on a timer.”

“No phones.” I look at Sharona. “No phones for timers, no phones for texts, no phones just in case. NO PHONES. The usual environment is full of distractions. Modify the environment!”

Sharona’s fast-paced lifestyle overwhelms David. To create a real relationship with him, she has to adjust to his style.

Sharona’s interests revolve around people, but David’s interests revolve around things. To show you care for someone, express interest in the things they care about.

Quality time is not the only thing that matters. Quantity time also matters!

Originally featured in Family First, Issue 594. D. Himy, M.S. CCC-SLP, is a speech-language pathologist in private practice for over 15 years. She is the creator of the Link-It reading comprehension and writing curriculum for elementary school students and directs continuing education programs for speech-language pathologists and educators.