“Klal Yisrael is a nation of gomlei chasadim, and our task in life is to stretch ourselves to strive higher”

Last Week:

Later that night, when I tell Avrumi he’s no longer needed to pick up the Feinbergs’ order, he looks surprised.

“Oh, Moish was just telling me how much he appreciates it,” he says. “I guess he didn’t know that his wife made new arrangements.”

I feel like the absolute smallest person in the world.

But when a favor’s not a favor but an expectation, when boundary lines are crossed so many times that you can barely see where they once were, are you really supposed to keep going?

Maybe that’s the level of true giving, where you get nothing — not even thanks — in return, but for me it just feels one level too hard.

Every Right

Shira Klein, Brooklyn NY

Mindy has every right to be annoyed at her neighbor, who is taking advantage of her and her “available husband.” We all have busy lives, whether we have two children or eight, and Chani Feinberg should never have assumed this favor of schlepping many heavy grocery boxes weekly was no big deal to someone else. Once a favor becomes an expectation — complete with specific instructions (leave the boxes on the porch, etc., etc.) — that’s crossing a major boundary line.

Reframe

Kaila Krausz

Here’s the thing with relationships. Contrary to what the people may believe, they’re never fifty-fifty. Sometimes one friend or neighbor is the initiator, the one who reaches out, the one who owns the emotional barometer of where you’re holding, while the other one is the giver, doer, mover and shaker.

The balance usually is disrupted by one side feeling as though their contributions are being taken for granted. And that’s where resentment starts... and every annoyance grates more and more until you explode.

Your husband is going to pick up your boxes anyway. He doesn’t seem to mind schlepping theirs every week. The issue is with you and Chani — her taking this favor for granted is making you more and more resentful, which then spills over into the annoyances of your kids seeing what’s in their boxes, your son’s grumbling about the schlepping, the sight of the boxes in your hallway.

Chani might have asked you to put the boxes on your porch because she’s feeling that resentment, and she’s trying to make it as easy as possible for you, not because she doesn’t want to say thank you.

You say you gain from your relationship with Chani, and you have plenty of reasons for wanting to help her.

What you have to do is reframe why you’re doing this; remind yourself why you took it on — to help her son have that hour of learning (tell your own son that he’s getting part of the zechus, too!), to do something that means a lot to Chani and doesn’t demand that much of you. You’re the giver here, and she’s the taker. But then when you need advice from her, she’s the giver and you’re the taker.

See if you can go back to where you were at the beginning of the boxes issue. Asking Chani to show her gratitude is never going to work... so can you be happy to be doing Chani this favor, no matter how grateful she seems? Can you reframe it, and dedicate the mitzvah for something you’ve been davening for? Can you say that this time, you’ll be the giver, and that’s okay?

Gomlei Chasadim

Tova Felder

Mindy, I feel for you. It’s hard to be on the giving end and to receive nothing, not even thanks. But I wish you would not have given up this chance to do chesed.

Your neighbor Chani Feinberg was clearly wrong in how she asked, but considering you were not even the one doing the actual work — that was on your husband, and he genuinely didn’t seem to mind the schlep — I wish you could have stretched yourself a little more. It might not have been easy, but Klal Yisrael is a nation of gomlei chasadim, and our task in life is to stretch ourselves to strive higher.

What Breach?

A.L., Monsey

Chani Feinberg might need a lesson in social etiquette, but where is the “boundary breach” Mindy’s coworker Michal Rudman speaks of? What harm was done to Mindy that she needed to extricate herself from a bad situation?

If it was that difficult for Mindy to swallow the favor she was doing her neighbor by passing messages to her husband, who was going to get his boxes and seemed happy to help a friend, she should have asked Chani that the husbands communicate and coordinate the order pickup. But to drop her cold turkey because she felt taken advantage of? People are givers or takers and Mindy should be thanking Hashem that she can be the giver in this situation, not worrying about a made-up “boundary breach.”

In the same vein, I was quite alarmed to see that 80 percent of your poll respondents would not do a favor for someone that the asker could easily do themselves. We don’t know how big the favor requested is, but who are you to decide that the person could easily do it themselves? And why not stretch yourself for another person?

I recall with shame the time when I was the new girl trying to make friends in an established high school. As I struggled to gain footing, I was always helpful; I wanted people to be nice to me. At one point, I found my “group,” and I guess they got used to me being the schlock shamash. We were sitting in the hall, and a couple of friends asked me to get them water. I said no, I was being taken advantage of, and they were just being lazy. I also thought it was important to establish my personal boundaries (though that term hadn’t been invented yet). When I think back twenty years later, I cringe. How hard would it have been for me to get up and walk to the water fountain? How much sechar did I lose out on because I didn’t want to be taken advantage of?

To all the Mindys out there: Learn from my mistake.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 970)