“The answers are going to be different for every person, depending on their personal red lines and their relationship with the adult child in question”

Last week:

“She’s making me feel like the worst version of myself,” I complain to Ari. “All this holding it in is making me uptight and snappish. I just don’t understand what she could possibly be thinking half the time.”

“She’s your daughter,” my husband reminds me patiently. “She still needs your guidance. Parenting doesn’t end just because she’s a mom of her own. Say something to her.”

“And what about all of those articles that say shut your mouth, open your wallet, keep the communication flowing, and let her do her own thing?” I throw back at him.

He shrugs. “They never spent Succos with Tehillah’s kids.”

Ari might be right, but I still don’t say anything.

Straight Talk

L.G, Jerusalem

Yes, you should talk to Tehillah!

It sounds to me like Tehillah is having a hard time with her parenting, and the “New Age” parenting classes she’s taking is not making it any easier — not on herself, nor on everyone around her.

Since these ideas are not coming from Tehillah herself, I think it would be fine for her mother to call her aside and say, “Let’s talk about your parenting classes. I know you took them so things would be easier for you with your kids, but it seems like something isn’t working….”

This way it’s not an attack on Tehillah’s parenting but an effort to help make sense of things.

Listen In

Fraidy Stone

Having to think about how to answer you has helped me clarify and prioritize for myself. I’m realizing that it’s not that your daughter has a mentor that’s bugging you; it’s that you feel the mentor is giving her harmful advice, which is then impacting your daughter, your grandchildren, and everyone else around them.

So I’m going to break my situation down for myself and let you listen in.

1) What are the kids doing that is absolutely off limits? For me that would be the nail gun and the couch. Tantrums are unpleasant, but they won’t kill the kids (or the furniture).

2) What are the par-for-the-course, I-can-live-with-its? For me, the mousse cup and the bites out of the fancy muffins fall in this category. Annoying but predictable.

3) What are the areas open to discussion with your daughter about parenting? Is she open to hearing that you’re also questioning some of her mentor’s  methods, especially as Tehillah looks neither calm nor rested? Is she open to hearing that you’re looking forward to their next visit, but you’d like to do a few things differently next time? Is she open to hearing “my house, my rules”?

The answers are going to be different for every person, depending on their personal red lines and their relationship with the adult child in question.

As for myself, I’d love to bring this up with my adult children... but... can you spell SCARY?

Directions

S.K, Chicago, IL

There is nothing more delicious than enjoying time with married children and their families. The nachas wraps around your heart and infuses the ordinary with extra joy.

That said, everything good is even better with boundaries. Relationships without boundaries end up with hurt feelings and distance. Shoshy needs to lay down some boundaries: This is her house and she is the hostess who is responsible for feeding and taking care of everyone. What does she need everyone else to do to enable that?

Additionally, our married children sometimes need a bit of gentle guidance — not criticism and not critique — but direction. A young mommy can’t always see the pathways her actions might be creating, and her more experienced mother can kindly direct her as to what might now be making sense in this case.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 964)