A key component of helping children learn regulation skills is to model them

Passenger or Pilot?

Zipora Schuck and Devora Schuck

Imagine you are on a plane encountering a great deal of turbulence. As the people around you begin losing their cool, the pilot gets on the loudspeaker and yells at everyone to be quiet, shouting that the crying passengers are embarrassing themselves and making it harder for him to fly safely.

Alternately, imagine that the pilot opens the cockpit door in tears and begs you to help him fly the plane, because he is also scared and can’t do it anymore.

While both scenarios seem preposterous, they can also serve as a mirror. As Dr. Becky Kennedy, a popular child psychologist, once asked, isn’t this what we as parents sometimes do? In a difficult situation that requires us to be the mature adult in order to help our children, we often blame/shame them for their behavior or revert to helplessness.

In our analogy, we’d expect the pilot to announce that while there is turbulence and it’s normal to feel frightened, you can be reassured that he has much experience, is handling this well, and everyone is safe.

A key component of helping children learn regulation skills is to model them, which means checking your own coping and response strategies.

When children are yelling or crying, what can you do?  First, remain confident in your ability to be the steadfast leader in your family. Your child is looking to you to see how to respond. Give yourself a moment and take grounding breaths if needed. Then validate the child’s feelings and tell him/her what to expect next. Naming their feelings gives language to their experience, and helps them understand what’s happening both to them and around them.

Say your eight-year-old son gets a bad cut, and the doctor tells him he’ll need stitches.  He begins crying, tantrums, and refuses to cooperate.

What can you do?

• -Begin by taking a deep breath and reminding yourself that you are the calm adult.
• -Let your child know that you see that he is afraid, but you will be there for him by holding his hand or hugging him.
• -Reiterate to him that he will be getting stitched up, and though it may be uncomfortable for a few minutes, you trust that he will be able to get through it together with you.

Contrast the above approach to reactions like:

• Stop screaming, it won’t hurt that much!
• Please stop crying, this is too much for me!
• Fine, we won’t do it. Let’s just go home.

Remember, you are the pilot, not the passenger.

Zipora Schuck MA. MS. is a NYS school psychologist and educational consultant for many schools in the NY/NJ area. She works with students, teachers, principals, and parents to help children be successful.

Devora Schuck LCSW is a psychotherapist who treats anxiety and trauma in children, teens, and young adults.

Weighed Down

Shira Savit

When we think about extra weight, we often focus on what we can see — our bodies, the number on the scale, the size of our clothes. But sometimes, the heaviest weight — and the one that makes us reach for cake when we aren’t hungry — isn’t visible. It’s the one we carry inside: the worries we replay, the self-criticism we cling to, and the unresolved hurts we’ve held on to for too long.

This invisible weight may not be physical, but it’s very real. You might feel it in the tightness of your shoulders, the restless racing of your thoughts, or the exhaustion that lingers without explanation.

It’s important to remember: You don’t have to carry it all.

Letting go doesn’t mean ignoring your struggles or pretending everything is okay. It means recognizing what’s weighing you down, and taking small, intentional steps to release it.

Start by asking yourself: What am I holding on to right now? Is it guilt over something I said or did? Fear of a future I can’t control? The shame of not meeting my own or someone else’s expectations? The weight of unresolved resentment toward someone? Or maybe it’s grief for something — or someone — you’ve lost. Whatever it is, name it. Sometimes, simply acknowledging it can bring a sense of relief.

Then, take a small step toward release. Write your thoughts in a journal. Talk to someone you trust. Write your burdens on a piece of paper and rip it up or burn it, visualizing the weight lifting away.

Most importantly, imagine placing that burden into Hashem’s Hands, knowing He is always there to support you. As we say in Tehillim: “Cast your burden upon Hashem and He will sustain you” (Tehillim 55:23).

Releasing the weight inside isn’t about fixing everything overnight. It’s about creating small moments of trust and relief. With each step, you make room for hope, healing, and a lighter heart.

Shira Savit, MA, MHC, INHC is a mental health counselor and integrative nutritionist who specializes in emotional eating, binge eating, and somatic nutrition. Shira works both virtually and in person in Jerusalem.

Downtime

Abby Delouya

Downtime may seem like a reward we “deserve” only after a particularly productive day. In reality though, downtime is essential and not something we can afford to link to our performance. Downtime nurtures your energy and allows you to simply exist, free from the need to accomplish or achieve.

What does downtime look like? Thinking, breathing, coloring, gazing at a flower, or even light reading can all do the trick, allowing you to recoup energy while the unconscious mind sorts things through in the background.

It can get tricky; listening to a shiur or reading a self-help book can be enriching, but these are often forms of self-improvement rather than true downtime. Similarly, journaling or creative projects can can be productive, intentional activities, or ways to relax and let your mind reset.

Whatever the way you choose, remember that sometimes the most important thing you can do is nothing at all.

Abby Delouya  RMFT-CCC, CPTT is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice, specializing in trauma and addiction. Abby is also the COO and Director of Intake of Ray of Hope.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 923)