We can control our emotions with willpower

“This is the law of the metzora…” (Vayikra 14:2)

Rava asked Rav Nachman: May a Kohein Gadol who was afflicted with tzaraas marry a widow? Rav Nachman didn’t have an answer. On another occasion, Rav Pappa raised the same question to Rav Nachman. This time, Rav Huna, Rav Nachman’s son, interjected with the answer.

When Rav Papa heard Rav Huna’s answer, he was so impressed, he took him as a son-in-law (Horayos 12b).  (Rabbi A. Leib Scheinbaum, Peninim on the Torah)

I

was trying to get onto the entrance ramp to the highway, but it seemed like everyone else in the world had the same idea that day. To make matters worse, construction had blocked one of the entrance lanes, so two lanes of cars were converging, trying to squeeze into one lane. The result: gridlock.

But to get to my destination, I didn’t get to choose my way, I needed this highway. So I willed myself to be patient while inching slowly toward the entrance. The driver ahead of me was having issues, figuring out how to wiggle his car into the tiny space available in front of him, thus blocking traffic further. We’d all come to a complete standstill.

Harav Chaim Zaitchik wonders why Rav Huna, who was Rav Nachman’s son, remained silent the first time Rav Nachman was asked this question, but not the second time. Rav Zaitchik explains that the first time, when his father didn’t have the answer, Rav Huna remained silent due to kibbud av. Later, however, when time had passed, he decided to answer the question. After all, what father doesn’t have nachas hearing his son’s brilliance?

Rav Huna’s extraordinary self-control, to remain silent in front of his father, didn’t go unnoticed by Rav Pappa. This was the type of person he wanted for his daughter. The middah of vitur, self-control out of respect for another, was a priority in Rav Pappa’s assessment of a ben Torah.

I heard a door slam and a big, burly guy exited his car behind me. He walked over to the car blocking the way, and with a lot of angry gestures, guided it to merge and go forward. As he started walking back to his car, I moved over slightly to the right so he could get past me.

Human beings have feelings — that’s what makes them human. How we manage those emotions informs one’s humanity. I used the word “manage” as opposed to “suppress,” because ignoring one’s feelings don’t make them disappear. They fester until an opportunity arises — either good or not so good — when the dam bursts and the feelings take over.

But emotions need not control one’s life. We can control our emotions with willpower. Things happen in life — not always to our liking. People act in manners we don’t like, and we’re often hurt. Using vitur isn’t just a refined character trait; it’s a vital, integral way of living life.

Boom! I jumped! Big Burly Guy had smashed both of his fists down on my hood, yelling! I was petrified, both at his anger and at the possibility of him using those fists on me. He obviously had misinterpreted my small move to accommodate him as a move that threatened him. And this was his way of showing his displeasure.

I froze, not answering, not moving, just praying he’d go on to his car and not bother me further. As he passed me, I breathed a sigh of relief and with shaking hands, I headed onto the highway.

When I got home I saw a large dent in the hood of my car, the size of two huge fists.

I don’t know what made this guy so angry. I don’t know if he’s always that way or woke up irritable that day or simply couldn’t handle traffic jams. What I do know is that this guy couldn’t handle his temper.

I was tempted to drive right to the body shop to fix the dented hood. I didn’t want any reminder of that moment. But on second thought, I left it a while. That dent reminded me what a lack of control can cause.

I’ve always enjoyed the quote: “Patience is a virtue, Possess it if you can, Seldom found in woman, Never found in man.”

But not if you know the secret of vitur.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 941)