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   Rosally Saltsman

   5 years ago

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   I read the article “I’m Stuck,” but the responses to the woman’s dilemma — in both the article and the subsequent inbox letters — seem to lack any amount of validation. We hear you, we understand your pain but you can overcome it if you just…

   Do people not realize that Am Yisrael is composed of 12 different tribes with different critical attributes and holy purposes? The tribes were allowed to intermarry and when they did so the women went to live in another tribe — another community.

   I live in Israel in a neighborhood with at least 11 shuls within a three-to-five-minute walk from my apartment but they all cater to different groups of people: Sephardic, Yemenite, Ashkenazi, chareidi, chassidic, dati-leumi Torani, chardal, Carlebach. And everyone chooses the shul he wants to go to and it’s not necessarily the one you would expect or the one other members of his family go to.

   If a woman is feeling sad and frustrated with her spiritual framework because she feels it’s suffocating her and her true spiritual expression, telling her she has to learn to live with it is not a good or fair solution. If a child is suffering and unhappy at his school, do you tell him to live with it or try and find a more appropriate school? If someone is in a job they find constricting, do you tell them, “No, you have to work at this job for the rest of your life?” Of course not.

   Shlomtzy Weiss tells the woman, “Your soul has accepted this challenge.” Would she tell the same thing to a baal teshuvah who’s interested in becoming religious, “Your soul has accepted this challenge — stay where you are, this is essential to your purpose in this world?” And don’t baalei teshuvah have a choice as to which community they align themselves with? Why shouldn’t people born religious have that choice?

   Obviously if the letter writer is a chassidish woman married with children, living in an insular community, she can’t say to her husband, “Let’s go move to a religious moshav in Israel.” (Or can she?) But what we can do as a people is to realize that not one size fits all. The same way that baalei teshuvah seek their spiritual path that leads them to Torah-true Judaism, those born into religious families often seek a different path than the one they were born into, and we should validate that need and help guide them to the right mentors.

   In a book I wrote, Soul Journey, there was a story about an unhappy yeshivah bochur whose rosh yeshivah sent him to a chassidic community where he thought he would find simchah. He does. This probably couldn’t have happened at the beginning of chassidus, but it can happen now. And the opposite is true as well.

   Choosing a different community to align yourself with might be difficult, but not allowing someone to explore the possibility can have devastating results that may reverberate through generations. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing but we do have to validate who and what people are at their core. Seeking change isn’t always the yetzer hara at work. Sometimes it’s davka the neshamah.

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   Miriam Adahan

   5 years ago

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   The women who responded to “I’m Stuck” were all eminently wise and empathetic, all pointing out that truly spiritual people will feel alone, to some degree. As Miriam Kosman stated, “Spiritually aware, sensitive people often feel lonely, [simply because] most people aren’t that interested in their inner world.” It doesn’t matter where you go, truly spiritual people are vexed by those who emphasize the superficial aspects of a religious life.

   Rabbi YY Jacobson, in The TorahAnytime, July 20, 2020, tells us that the letters of Sodom are the same as Mosad (institution). Our Sages tell us that the citizens of Sodom had a bed by which they measured their guests. If the body was too long, they cut off the feet. If the body was too short, the person was stretched. Unfortunately, sometimes institutions are oppressive, forcing everyone to conform, causing a loss of individuality and independence.

   On the other hand, as the writers said, the feeling of belonging, the shared ideals and the safety of a predictable structure are lost when individual uniqueness is emphasized. Baila Vorhand shows how one can march to one’s own drummer in private, modestly, without making a public stance of rebellion.

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   A Thinking Yet Unbeaten Adult

   5 years ago

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   I read with interest the letter signed Beaten by the Beat, in which she shares how she doesn’t feel spiritually fulfilled in her chassidish community. I was struck by curiosity: Which “unique style of growth” does the writer seek? What is it she cannot be?
   I’d appreciate if the writer would clarify which aspect of spirituality she feels is barred to her as a chassidish woman. As a chassidish woman myself, I can’t think how being chassidish could do that to a person. There may be aspects of avodah that chassidim put less focus on, but that doesn’t mean an individual can’t personally improve in that area. You want to be makpid on zeman tefillah, be makpid on zeman tefillah. You want to eat yoshon, eat yoshon. Who’s holding you back?
   The key difference in the avodah of a chassid is the emphasis on doing avodah b’simchah. You don’t like to do mitzvos with simchah? Go ahead, frown.
   I apologize for coming across cynical, and maybe I’m (chassidish-ly) naive, but in my eyes, when someone wishes to “defect” from chassidus, it’s usually a frustration with the many stringencies a chassid lives with. I don’t doubt your deep spiritual aspirations, but I do challenge you to share one aspiration you can’t aspire toward due to a chassid’s boundaries.
   Baila Vorhand put it so well. “What’s stopping you from listening to shiurim by this rav, learning seforim that reflect his teachings, and incorporating the ideals you identify with in your daily life?” If she’s a Satmar chassid and doesn’t like the position against women learning Tanach, I’m pretty sure her rav will allow her to learn whatever she chooses to learn.
   A chassidish life is rich and fulfilling. Yes, chassidim live with many boundaries. We’re more makpid on tzniyus, we converse in primitive Yiddish, we don’t follow or take any interest in sports. We’re more insular. We’re less comfortable in galus, less exposed.
   If a woman of 2020 admits that being chassidish stifles her, I’m left to assume that it isn’t the spirituality of chassidim that rubs her wrong, but rather the uncomfortable limitations this affiliation imposes on her life. And if this is the case, and it’s a driver’s license or dating life or longer sheitel she craves, she shouldn’t elevate that to spirituality-seeking. That’s lifestyle seeking, and her struggles are not as lofty as she makes them out to be.

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      R.W.

      5 years ago

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      I found the letter in “I’m Stuck” written by a chassidish woman who didn’t feel spiritually fulfilled in her community, fascinating at several levels. As a major fan who avidly followed All I Ask and was blown away by the story’s depth, I loved that a fellow reader so related to one of the key themes of the story.

      As a fellow chassidishe woman, I believe I understood some of the unwritten sentiments between the lines of her letter, and fervently hope that she read every word of the excellent responses and found a workable way forward. Which is why I was somewhat taken aback by the responses printed by other chassidishe women in Family First, particularly the one from ‘A Thinking Yet Unbeaten Adult,’ who expressed skepticism that there is a form of spirituality available in the litvish world that a chassidishe woman could not access, and suggested that she was really seeking lifestyle changes.

      First, I found it interesting that the letter writer jumped straight to the chassidishe/litvish divide, when my impression was that the woman was looking at a different “brand” of chassidish. Are these other chassidish women living under a rock? There are hundreds of possible communities and sub-communities within the very broad definition of “chassidish,” and it’s no secret that in many communities it is considered the height of betrayal to follow a different chassidish mehalech than the one you come from, even if it all looks and sounds the same to a non-chassidish person.

      But beyond that, my educated guess is that the automatic implication of the letter by the “unbeaten adult” — that chassidish equals better, and if you’re not “up to it” then you’re “worse” — is probably one of the things that bothers “I’m Stuck” to begin with. Mrs. Unbeaten Adult exquisitely describes some of the core ideals of chassidus, and she has clearly been blessed with the chinuch that has successfully transmitted these values. But can she honestly say in 2020 that everyone who affiliates as chassidish lives up to these ideals, or is even aware of them? Is she unwilling to acknowledge that there are many chassidish communities where the focus on the “culture” is emphasized much more than any intellectual aspect — for both men and women? That it’s possible today to call oneself chassidish and walk the walk, talk the talk, and reap all the societal benefits, while living a lifestyle that is the antithesis of the very values she specifies?

      On the flip side, does Mrs. Unbeaten Adult really think that chassidim have a monopoly on boundaries that she listed, such as being makpid on tzniyus, not taking an interest in sports, being insular and less comfortable in galus? I have many litvish friends who are paragons of all of those values, and chassidish friends who are not. And vice versa. Drawing these assumptions, and then unfairly judging the writer for “elevating lifestyle seeking to spirituality seeking” completely misses the nuance contained in both the letter and the responses.

      Flippantly suggesting that any supposed issue can easily be resolved by the woman independently taking on practices that are not the norm for her community is ignoring the likelihood that what she’s missing is like-minded peers, and/or the understanding and acceptance within her family unit that her interests are outside the cookie-cutter mold they’re used to.

      So, dear “I’m Stuck,” this one’s for you. While I’m not in your situation, I get where you’re coming from and do not think you’re just looking for a driver’s license. My advice to you would be to study the responses to your letter because every word is gold. The only assumption I would make about you is that you’re still relatively young, and might have found their comments unrealistic or out of touch, but I encourage you to keep an open mind and try some of their suggestions. You may be pleasantly surprised.

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      Chaya R. Porges

      5 years ago

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      While I immensely enjoyed the article “I’m Stuck,” with a question written by a chassidish woman who doesn’t feel spiritually fulfilled in her community, I was left extremely confused by a letter written in response.

      The woman in “I’m Stuck” was talking about spiritual growth and connection with Hashem. But the letter writer, who questioned the woman’s sincerity in seeking spiritual connection, seems to equate connection and growth with minhagim or chumras, i.e., yoshon, insularity, zman tefillah, driver’s license, a longer sheitel…

      Connection with Hashem is not necessarily, or should I say only, acquired by the above. Those are details. Some more important details, some less important details, but details nonetheless. With an exception of the point of simchah shel mitzvah, the letter writer did not touch upon one more fundamental aspect of chassidus. Authentic chassidus is full of depth, and a great path to spirituality. I was raised chassidish, and chassidus has been a major catalyst of growth for me.

      I would venture to say that this kind of attitude is what’s alienating and disillusioning women like the original letter writer. If we created a system where chassidus is all about chumras and minhagim, where have we left room for spiritual connection and authentic chassidus?

      I would also like to note that for some reason, whenever there is any negativity or perceived negativity, toward the chassidish system, there will inevitably be a backlash. I fail to understand why acknowledging that we might have an issue is so painful. If the only way we can stay in this system is if we perceive it as flawless, then that would arguably be our biggest flaw of all.

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   R. S.

   5 years ago

   Reply

   
   

   I really appreciated the “I’m Stuck” article and all of the thought-provoking responses. It was particularly interesting to hear from Baila Vorhand, who expressed that she is able to relate to the questioner’s internal dynamics.

   I would, however, like to take issue with one word in the piece. I’m sure this was not Baila’s intent, but writing “not the typical chassidish woman” to describe someone who possesses intellectual and spiritual depth is nothing but derogatory speech.

   Why was the word “chassidish” necessary there? Either these qualities are not typical of any woman — or any individual, perhaps — or they may be present but are not necessarily obvious to others, being that this is a lonely journey. As Rebbetzin Shlomtzy Weiss so beautifully explains, the feeling of being individual, of feeling unique, is less about the external details and more about an internal emotion. The word chassidish in that context only helped feed more into the erroneous stereotype about chassidus, in general, and about chassidish women, in particular. If we see such assumptions in the mainstream media, that’s one thing, but to find it in a frum publication and expressed by a chassidish woman, no less, was hurtful.

   As a chassidish woman who views herself as both intellectual and spiritual, I also found this statement ironic. While many associate chassidus today as a list of garb-related rules, what this approach to Yiddishkeit has actually brought to the world is how to specifically channel intellectual depth and spirituality toward avodas Hashem. I personally know several women who actually connected to chassidus davka because of their intellectual and spiritual profundity. They were yearning for more and found their answers here.

   Chassidish teachings can be helpful to any and all Yidden, regardless of their affiliation. As Miriam Kosman noted, how we connect to Hashem and to our spirituality has little to do with our outer appearance. Anyone, and everyone, can benefit from the direction that works for them. The Ba’al Shem Tov’s vision was not to create an exclusive, insular division of Judaism. Rather, in his desire to help every Yid connect to our Creator, he simply offered a direction in doing so, one that is not mutually exclusive to any affiliation.

   May each of us merit finding the direction we seek in leading a life of spiritual and emotional fulfillment,

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      Baila Vorhand

      5 years ago

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      I want to explain why someone would experience their particular chassidish group as being too constricting, since some letter writers had a hard time understanding how this could legitimately be.

      The Baal Shem Tov brought a great light down to this world, one that borrowed from the era of Mashiach. There were two parts to this light. One was a series of revolutionary messages for the simple people — the general population, that stressed, as the letter writer put it, avodah b’simchah — Hashem loves you, He sees the good in you, hope is never lost, every act of effort is treasured, rejoice in being a Jew, etc. Simultaneously, he disseminated deep kabbalistic teachings (which actually serve as the intellectual backbone for the above-mentioned revolutionary messages).

      Among his students, there was a sharp divide whether these teachings should be taught to the masses or reserved for the few and worthy. The Baal HaTanya spread the teachings of abstract, intellectual penimiyus haTorah, while others were sharply opposed. (“Who was right?” Rav Moshe Wolfson shlita asks his bochurim in the Tanya shiur. “Both, of course. For some, the less intellectual, more emotional and practical path is ideal, for others the intellectual-abstract.”) This letter is not the place to explain the reasons for each of these positions, (you can contact me for further explanation) but they deeply affected the type of communities and then dynasties that these tzaddikim and their descendants formed.

      In addition, when chassidus reached a region, it took on the culture of that region, which is why Gur (Poland) is so different from Chabad (Lithuania) and Satmar (Hungary) and Belz (Galicia). In certain of these regions there was a huge emphasis on tzniyus and chumros. Sometimes this emphasis was combined with an ideological opposition to mass dissemination of abstract penimiyus haTorah.

      So, it is very possible for someone to be born into a group that is “rich and fulfilling” for many, that starves and aggravates their souls because of the lack of intellectual profundity in the teachings readily available and its emphasis on stringencies. (Of course, the opposite can also be true. Someone with a more practical nature can feel disenfranchised if the group they are born into stresses only, or mostly, the abstract.)

      Please don’t knock the challenges of other people just because you don’t understand them.

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