Ciril Stern, LMSW, lives and works in New York, utilizing her experience as a mother, grandmother and great-grandmother to integrate Torah hashkafos and mesorah into her work.

The Gemara (Yerushalmi Peah, 1) tells us that a person’s will, his ratzon, is his honor, his kavod. When we take away a person’s ability to make his own decisions, to do his own will, we’re taking away his self-respect. If we want to respect someone, we need to honor his ratzon.

In your example, as your parents’ child, you want to honor them. But by stepping in and trying to wrest their ability to make their own decisions for them, you’re stripping them of their ratzon, and thus their self-respect.

Honoring our parents is obviously a paramount priority to all of us. As one of the Aseres Hadibros, we’re all aware of the importance of this mitzvah. It’s clear from your words that you take this responsibility seriously. You want to help your parents, you want to be there for them, you want their lives to be easy. Right now, you feel that their decision to move is threatening all these factors.

However, if you take a step back for a moment and look at this dilemma objectively, I wonder if you’ll notice how this quandary is being reflected from your point of view, not from your parents’. You like your parents living close by, you like the connection between your parents and your children, and you like to be able to honor them by helping them on a daily basis. That’s wonderful.

But at this juncture in their lives, as much as I’m sure they enjoyed the closeness of your family, they’ve decided to make this move. From their perspective, this move seems to meet their requirements for their future, and it’s their point of view that’s the primary one in this case.

Suppose a friend is sick in the hospital, lo aleinu, and you decide to visit her. When you get to her room, the nurse tells you, “I’m sorry, she just fell asleep, and she really needs her rest. You shouldn’t go in.” But you want to do a mitzvah! You want to make her day. Do you walk in and wake her up because you decide this is best for her?

Obviously not.

So too, although your parents are aging, from your words it seems clear that they still have all their capacities as far as decision-making goes. If so, it’s not your obligation to give your opinion or try to influence theirs. Not only is it not your obligation, it’s quite the opposite of honoring of them — it’s humiliating to them.  If parents want help, they’ll request it. If parents want their children’s opinion, they’ll ask for it. If they don’t, it’s not your place to step in and offer it.

Imagine you’re at the pool with your teenaged daughter and your youngest, aged six. You stop to put sunscreen on the little one and your teenager rolls her eyes.

“The sun’s not even out, Ma, you don’t need to put on sunscreen.”

Then you caution your younger daughter, “Stay out of the deep end!” And again, your teenager says, “Ma, you gotta lighten up. This is supposed to be a fun outing, not full of rules.”

How would we react to this type of censure? Chances are, not too well.

Your parents deserve the same respect and space you want for yourself. They’ve done a super job of raising you (as obvious by your concern for them) and they seem to be capable people. If and when they want your opinion, they’ll ask for it. And until then, respect their ratzon.

I wish you much hatzlachah in continuing to serve your parents in the honorable way you seek to do.

Rona Gross is a licensed clinical social worker in Baltimore, MD, and is currently the program manager for Comprehensive Housing Assistance, Inc.’s Senior Home Repair & Benefits Program, which provides repairs and application assistance to keep seniors safe and independent in their own homes for as long as possible.

I read your letter several times and I must say, I’m impressed with the kind of daughter you are. Over these past 20 years, you really put in an effort to build a quality relationship between your parents and their grandchildren, and helped your parents with many tasks without compromising on their dignity. Kol hakavod!

Now you’re faced with a new dilemma, as your parents have shared their plan to move far from you and your family. You’re concerned that they’re in denial regarding their changing needs and decreasing energy levels.

My approach would be to make a time to sit down with your parents, uninterrupted, and share your concerns openly and honestly with them. It might be helpful to actually write down a list of what you anticipate the problems to be. You may simultaneously want to write down the factors influencing your parents’ decisions to move, such as a warmer winter climate. Having the pros and cons in front of you will allow everyone to see all points together.

There are some steps you can take if they maintain their wish to move, without completely nixing their plan. Perhaps they can rent a place in a more rural area or warmer climate to give them a taste of the slower-paced environment they’re craving, without making a full commitment by actually moving away. A pilot trip like this may also give them a chance to try out their idea and see if it would work to make a more permanent move.

You might also do some research to discover the services and programs available in the area they’re thinking about moving to. For seniors who are self-reliant, as you describe your parents to be, the “village model” of seniors helping seniors works well. Such a program allows individuals to give assistance where they can and to get assistance with what they need in a peer-to-peer exchange that may also include social activities and other services and benefits. Each village works differently, and you’d have to check if there is one in their area.

You could also seek out a Jewish Family Services eldercare consultant or a social worker who does care management for seniors who could meet with you as a family to discuss what assistance might be available in their new area. If your parents claim they don’t need professional input or assistance, suggest gently that they consider doing this for you, to allay your concerns for them, even if they themselves feel they can forge ahead on their own. Tell them you need to have some peace of mind that their evolving needs will be met if they move far from you.

If your parents still are resistant to these ideas, ask them what ideas they have for getting help with shopping, handyman services, and the like if they’ll be living far away.

Soliciting help from someone your parents trust (a rav, for example) might also help so they can hear your concerns from another source.

I do believe that these steps can bring your vision and that of your parents closer together. However, if you still feel resistance to your parents’ move, and they are still  insistent, I’m not in favor of you pressuring them to stay. That should be reserved only for a time when there is a real concern for physical safety. Your parents are competent adults and need to be able to maintain their independence as much as possible. This is part of healthy aging and a healthy relationship with an adult child.

As long as you’ve openly expressed your concerns and shared alternative options, obtained help from professionals, if needed, and framed your worries in terms of your love and care for them, you’ll have done your hishtadlus. The result of your efforts is in Hashem’s hands.

Hatzlachah!

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 766)