“I
s it true that we’re rich?”

Adina Meyer posed this question to her mother when she was in eighth grade. Her classmate had blurted a comment about the Meyers being well off, and Adina was shocked. Her family lived in a regular house and led a similar lifestyle to that of her friends. She never got extravagant gifts or went on exotic vacations. They were normal, just like everyone else.

The Meyers were, in fact, exceptionally wealthy. Her father was a business tycoon, a multimillionaire who supported countless families and organizations. But Adina had no clue about this reality. Her parents didn’t revere money and didn’t want their children to feel superior to their peers. The children’s needs were met, but money wasn’t a conversation piece.

By default, parents refer back to their own childhoods when choosing how to convey financial attitudes to their children. Chavi shares that neither she nor her husband come from affluent backgrounds, but their upbringings were different. Chavi was aware that her parents weren’t wealthy. She wore hand-me-downs and actually developed a pride in her non-neediness. She was never privy to specific details of her parents’ finances and was always allowed the opportunity to express her wants. Sometimes they were granted, sometimes denied, but she could always ask.

Her husband, Shlomo, on the other hand, knew numbers. He saw his parents’ paystubs, and it lent a level of resignation. The knowledge that there was no money made him feel insecure. He was afraid to express his needs.

Now, as a father, Shlomo is very careful that his children don’t know the details of his finances. Although he’s in a better place financially than his parents had been, he feels the knowledge would hurt his children. He doesn’t want money to be a concern in their lives.

Chavi sees their attitude differences play out all the time. “If we’re buying a new game or bike for a kid, I’ll involve the child, show him how I comparison shop between Amazon and Target.” Shlomo, on the other hand, wants no discussion. When his children ask specific questions, he’ll either respond with a joke to shake the kid off, or if pressed, offer some vague answer.

Similar to Shlomo, Simi grew up in a family where money was tight and she constantly heard the refrain, “We can’t afford this.” Aside from feelings of deprivation, the knowledge that her family was poor instilled fears in her from a young age. She had serious worries about her family being evicted.

When she started raising her own family, she was determined that no matter where they stood financially, money talks would never take place within earshot of her children. She and her husband make a conscious effort not to burden their children with financial stress. “They have so much going on in their lives. We prefer to let them focus on age-appropriate concerns, like school and friends. We don’t want them to worry about how we make ends meet.”

Rich or Poor?

A Brooklyn teacher instructed her class of seniors to answer “yes” or “no” on a blank piece of paper, without writing their names. The question: Do you think your parents are able to marry you off without going into debt?

She collected the unnamed papers and tallied the responses. When she was done, she looked at her students and said, “This class is either very rich — or blissfully clueless.”

Is that the reality?

Many parents and educators — as well as the young adults — believe that by the time children hit their teens, they have a pretty accurate picture of their parents’ finances. Without knowing numbers, they’re aware if their family is wealthy, average, or poor. What they might not know is the true cost of things, how expensive daily living is. They don’t stop to consider all the small expenses that add up very fast. And they don’t realize what it means to marry off children.

Simi’s daughter Dina, a mature 18-year-old girl, believes her parents are “comfortable,” maybe even above average for their family size. She claims she could sense when her parents were doing better and when there was a pinch, but that they’re generally above the water.

Simi laughs when she hears this. “My children think they know, but really, they’re oblivious. We once entered a raffle for a grand prize of $50,000. Dina asked me what I’d do if I won; would I remodel my kitchen? If I told her the money would go to repay debt, she’d faint on the spot.”

She claims that children of all ages are clueless. “If you don’t offer information, they’ll never know how your bank account looks.”

Tzipora, another mother in the trenches, believes teenagers are more aware. “They don’t know specifics, but they have a basic picture of the family’s financial circumstances.” And Chavi says it depends what the reality is. If circumstances are extreme in either direction, children will know.

Mrs. Tova Szenberg, a teacher of many years in BYA high school and currently a teacher at Manhattan High School for Girls, says, “Parents aren’t doing their child a favor by creating a false reality.” She advises parents to emphasize that Hashem decides a person’s level of affluence. “It will reinforce children’s emunah, as well as their understanding that while you love them dearly, you can’t give them everything they want.”

Mrs. Lina Levin teaches financial management at Bnos Leah of Prospect Park, using a course created by Mesila, a financial-empowerment organization. She believes that older children should have a basic picture of their family’s financial picture and be updated on major changes, such as a parent losing a job. “Parents are reluctant to share. They feel it transgresses on a certain level of privacy. This is not in children’s favor. A child benefits from knowing his or her limits. Budgeting makes them feel empowered. When a parent is open with a child, there’s no fear of the unknown, no assumptions. They can handle a ‘no’ better.”

She says the key is to establish an open dialogue. “It’s okay to tell a child you don’t need five sweaters, three is enough. And if you do buy something above your standard, it’s okay for the child to understand that you made a sacrifice in order to make her happy, because you love her. The child will value the purchase that much more.”

As much as parents follow the approach they feel is right, personality plays a big role in how teens view the topic of finances. Even when parents choose not to share any financial information, some children will be more intuitive than others.

“I always knew my parents were struggling,” says Shiffy, the oldest daughter of a large family in Monsey. “My father is a maggid shiur and does some side hustling to fill in the gaps. Although he never discussed his finances, I was able to figure out where we stood. I’d do his math in my brain all the time, comparing his income to his expenses.”

Her younger siblings don’t have these concerns. “Maybe it’s a personality thing, maybe the new generation is more self-centered,” Shiffy muses. “I used to hesitate before asking my parents for extras. My siblings don’t bat an eyelash.”

It’s easy to scoff at millennials and label them “entitled.” But the fact is, environment plays a tremendous role in teens’ lives. Clueless or informed, we all have to put up with peer pressure on a daily basis. How should parents handle it?

The “Everyone” Conundrum

In the previous century, rich and poor were facts of life. The rich girls got jewelry, the poor ones didn’t. There was no pretending. Today we live in a society of clones, where people live on similar — and impossibly high — standards despite their means. Kallahs get the most expensive wigs on the market. We drive luxury vehicles, wear brand-name clothing, and go on over-the-top vacations because that’s what everyone’s doing.

Mrs. Szenberg shares that our generation faces a unique challenge. “Families live side-by-side, going to the same shuls, the same yeshivos and Bais Yaakovs, shopping in the same stores. Many families struggle to make ends meet and the need to be on par with the community’s standards is exhausting,” she says.

When her daughters told her that everyone was going to Florida for midwinter break, she had them go through their class list and count how many girls were actually going. “The count was closer to five than to ‘everyone,’ ” she says. It was important to Mrs. Szenberg to teach her daughters not to get carried away with what “everyone” was doing. “We’ll always encounter a classmate or neighbor who is better off than us. We have to teach children not to compare themselves to others.”

The high standard of frum living mars the line between needs and wants, turning luxuries into necessities. When you see everyone doing something, it becomes normalized. We’d love to believe we’re smarter than the system and won’t conform, but when faced with reality, it’s not so simple.

Hadassah Brand, another high school teacher, as well as a mother of teens, sees both sides of the coin. “Yes, it’s crazy to spend $350 on a new pair of glasses for a teenager every year. But on the other hand, styles change so fast and if you don’t go along with them, your daughter will feel like a misfit.”

Does that mean parents should cave to a child’s every whim?

“Spending decisions should not be about money but about principles,” Hadassah says. “Whether a family could or can’t afford things, it’s important to prioritize a child’s needs. Specific circumstances should be taken into account: the nature of the child, the dynamics of the need. But whatever the choices are, decisions should be based on values, not price.”

Regarding midwinter vacation, Hadassah says, “There’s a whole wind of going away, to Florida or other vacation hubs. Some mothers feel their children worked hard, they deserve a break, a change of scenery. Other mothers oppose the idea. What’s interesting is that those who oppose on principle are firm with their decision. But when money is the deterrent, parents feel guilty and have a harder time sticking to their guns. And kids pick up on this doubt.”

Zehava, a Staten Island resident, agrees with this. “Theoretically, I don’t care what everyone does. For instance, I feel it’s wrong to send girls to seminary in Eretz Yisrael, even if it’s an accepted norm. I’m uncomfortable with the hefkeirus and prefer to keep my girls home that crucial year before shidduchim.”

Still, when all of her daughter’s close friends applied to seminaries in Eretz Yisrael, qualms kicked in. “I knew I opposed in theory, and my daughter was extremely understanding. But I couldn’t help thinking, did money influence my philosophy? Had we been able to afford it, would I have been less vehement?”

Menucha had a different experience. Her daughter’s dream was to go to seminary in Eretz Yisrael. She spoke about it throughout her high school years. Menucha didn’t oppose the idea, but had no clue how she would cover the cost. But she never told her daughter that they wouldn’t be able to afford it. When the time came to apply, her daughter was oblivious to Menucha’s reservations, and Menucha didn’t have the heart to shatter her daughter’s dream at that point. She faced a serious problem.

Camp is another reality that’s become normal. It’s an expense that puts a strain on many families’ budgets, but it’s a tricky topic. Shiffy remembers that in her days, nobody went to camp for a full summer and nobody went every summer. It was a privilege, and many girls worked to cover the cost. Today, she sees how her siblings and all their friends consider camp a given. It’s not even a question. Everyone goes.

But what if parents can’t afford a child’s demands? Do they tell their children no? Or do they spend money they don’t have to protect their children’s social health? How do they decide where to draw the line?

“We make choices,” says Zehava. “One summer we did Mommy Camp first half instead of going to a bungalow colony in the mountains, and the kids went to camp the other half. A full summer in camp was not within our budget.”

Rebetzin Kraus*, a seminary principal in Brooklyn, asserts that camp is a necessity and parents should “eat bread and drink water but send their girls to camp.” She feels the camp experience is vital for a child’s social health. And everyone knows the adage: Rather spend $2,000 on camp than $20,000 on therapy.

But not everyone agrees. Lina Levin thinks camp is an extravagant vacation for older teens and a waste of a summer. She encouraged her own kids to take summer jobs. “They earned money and were able to buy extra things they wanted, like bikes or laptops. They felt proud of this decision.”

In her capacity as a seminary principal, Rebetzin Kraus says that while following trends is a weakness, there are instances when singling out a girl is not an option. “There’s no such a thing as a girl not participating in a school shabbaton. If a girl says she won’t come, the school has an achrayus to investigate the reason.

“We’ve had instances when we discovered a family simply couldn’t afford the shabbaton fee. When that happened, we told the parents to send in a check with their daughter, which we immediately ripped up. The school paid for the girl, and her dignity was preserved.”

Dilemmas arise with every fad that hits the market. Keeping up is expensive, but bucking the trend has its own share of risks. Rebbetzin Kraus maintains that confidence is key. “When being denied a want, it’s important that children feel empowered rather than deprived. It’s up to parents to instill confidence in children so their happiness doesn’t depend on constantly satisfying new desires.”

She says the duty to minimize peer pressure lies with the parents and mechanchim. “We need to help children develop inner confidence, to internalize the importance of self-worth. We need to teach them that happiness is not derived from external sources. Hashem gave every neshamah the tools it needs to grow and be happy. Healthy people are happy with little and don’t need what everyone has.”

My Money, Your Money

Should children be expected to pay for some of their own expenses? The opinions are once again divided.

“I don’t support the line ‘If you want it, buy it with your own money,’” says Tzipora. “If something is important, like a camera for a teen, I’ll figure out how to cover the cost. If it’s not important, it doesn’t matter who is paying. It’s excessive spending.”

Simi feels otherwise. “When children make their own spending choices, they learn to budget wisely. I open bank accounts for all my kids and encourage them to save gift money or any money they earn. This way when they want to make an extra purchase, they have their own money and can decide how to spend it.” She adds that when children know they’re footing the bill, they often reconsider the “need.”

Her approach has the desired effect. Her daughter Dina shares that she’d never ask her mother for money to go to the ice cream shop with friends. “It’s petty. Why should my mother have to pay for my social activities?”

When Simi and her husband went to Eretz Yisrael for a relative’s wedding, they told Dina she could join, but she’d have to pay the airfare on her own. They would pay all other expenses. Dina chose to join. She relates, “I enjoyed the trip so much more because I recognized the value. I owned the decision.”

Mrs. Szenberg adds that teenagers have a tendency to believe with all sincerity that there are things they cannot live without. “Suggesting that they contribute to the payment of that must-have item teaches them responsibility and the concept of opportunity costs. What is the child prepared to give up to obtain a desired item?”

“Your money” can also come into play when parents are honest with their children about what they could or can’t afford. When parents expect children to cover certain expenses, it shouldn’t be a matter of shame.

“Before I entered shidduchim, my parents told me they would pay for my wedding,” Chavi relates, “but I’d be expected to pay for everything else. I didn’t resent it. It reflected the way we always lived. I started making purchases before I got engaged.”

Shiffy’s wedding funding plan was similar, with a twist. “I gave my parents my paycheck every week from when I started working. When I got engaged, my parents paid for all my wedding expenses, essentially using the money I’d given them.”

Chavi says parents should make their position on paying for weddings and apartment setup clear so children are equipped to make smart decisions. Otherwise, girls make assumptions that lead to disappointment.

The Greater Picture

No matter which financial philosophies parents subscribe to, it’s important to remember that money is just money, not a tool that dictates our lives. As Sarah, a Lakewood mother, puts it, “I don’t buy the whole money-as-a-topic thing. I think ‘money’ is just one part of the greater chinuch picture. We confuse it as a separate entity because we associate it with status or worth or love and get all emotional about it.”

She says we’re not teaching our kids “how” to spend money but rather “how to make decisions,” which includes what to eat, where to go, whom to socialize with. “You give your kids healthy food choices and driving lessons so they learn to make choices and live well. Money is another aspect to life that falls under your greater chinuch approach. There’s no separate set of rules.”

Fraidy, another Lakewood mother, shares that her approach to parnassah is that if we keep the channels open, Hashem will give. “When you budget every dime, there’s no room for brachah. The numbers don’t add up on paper, but Hashem does magic. We don’t obsess over expenses. I model generosity and my children mirror the habit.”

Fraidy loves giving and considers it a positive trait. “Some parents think ‘no’ is a harmful word. I have no problem saying no because I cushion my nos with a lot of yeses. I love treating my children. I buy them gifts all the time — spontaneously, not only for special occasions. The gifts aren’t expensive; they can be dollar store stuff. My children find these gifts meaningful, and I find that I can answer no easily when I choose to, just because I have great credit with yeses.”

Regarding societal pressures, Hadassah acknowledges that there’s a pressure to be viewed as normal, to present a certain way. “But it’s not about money. It’s about who we are, what our values are, what kind of lives we lead. We could be wiser than the society doctrine.”

She adds that sometimes it’s okay to be honest. “When my sister got married, my daughter expected to rent a gown similar to her friend who comes from a wealthy home. It wasn’t within our budget and I explained that to her.”

Hadassah teaches her kids the value of money in terms of what’s considered excessive spending. “When my daughter’s friends were planning a trip to the Escape Room, my daughter told me it’s very expensive. The price was $42 for an hour. I was actually fine with spending that, but I was happy to see she had the concept of value.”

She sums it up by saying the choice to feel pressured in our hands. “There’s a responsibility on wealthy people to tone things down. And if you don’t have the means and spend more than you can afford, you’re doing a disservice to yourself and to those around you, who view you as a yardstick.”

Hadassah teaches in a school with a diverse parent body, a mixed yeshivish/balabatish crowd. “There was this eighth grader from a balabatish home whose parents bought her a Michele watch as a graduation gift. It wasn’t much of a statement. But when her friend from a yeshivish home got the same watch, it was sad. Instead of focusing on the values of their home, her parents sought to fill an impossible and never-ending need.”

And then there are those wealthy parents who don’t buy grand gifts as a matter of principle. “That’s beautiful,” Hadassah says.

Would parents’ attitudes change if they had unlimited means?

“I definitely wouldn’t spend so much time comparison shopping and waiting for things to go on sale,” Tzipora admits. “And I’d probably grant reasonable desires easier. But I wouldn’t suddenly start splurging on unnecessary stuff.”

Simi points out that at 22, having unlimited means would have been a disaster. “People who strike it rich when they’re young aren’t equipped to handle the nisayon ha’osher. At this point, my decisions probably wouldn’t be influenced by the fact that I had greater means. I’d still expect my daughter to pay for her trip to Eretz Yisrael.”

To which her daughter Dina adds, “I can’t see my parents spending out of bounds. Even if we were very rich, our lifestyle would probably be the same.”

And Zehava? She gives the question thought and concludes, “I’d probably make similar decisions about when and how much to spend. The difference would be that I’d feel confident that my decisions are based on principle and not on money.”

Money Matters

Mesila has set up a curriculum for high schoolers. Their goal is to equip teens with a healthy financial reference point before entering adulthood.

Mrs. Lina Levin shares how the program runs. “We introduce awareness about money matters to prepare girls for the responsibility of balancing finances,” she says.

During the Mesila classes, girls are taught basic financial management skills. They learn the real costs of items, ways to establish stable incomes, and how to remain creditworthy. Most girls don’t know what a credit score is and how a weak score can hurt them in the long run. Potential employees and landlords often pull credit to ascertain an applicant’s reliability.

Then there’s the art of budgeting — an eye-opening subject for many girls. Growing up, many girls don’t give expenses any thought, accustomed to receiving whatever they wanted from their parents. Seeing real numbers, incomes versus expenses, is startling.

The program also covers how to write an effective résumé, the best credit card options, and ways to establish reliable incomes. The girls are amazed by the information. “We have dynamic discussions,” says Lina. “And girls constantly exclaim, ‘Wow, I didn’t know that!’ ”

Aside from balancing accounts, Mesila also imparts philosophies about money. “Money is not a means to an end,” Lina explains. “The budgeting muscle should be exercised so people maintain a sense of control. People should develop a habit of telling themselves no, with money as well as with any other desires.”

The girls are assigned to interview grandparents about generational differences. One question they ask is, “What thing do we have today that you didn’t have years ago?” The most common answer is a car. People would commute by train every day, which was time consuming and exhausting.

When the girls hear such things, they feel privileged. Twenty years ago, a cordless phone was the epitome of cool. Technology advanced so fast, we take our many luxuries for granted. Speaking to people who grew up without the current comforts is humbling.

Another question they pose to their grandparents is, “Was there anything you really wanted and didn’t have?”

The grandparents’ response? “No. We had everything we needed.”

* Name has been changed

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 639)