Our thoughts are incredibly powerful and can play a major role in determining the course of our lives

Mindscape

Abby Delouya RMFT-CCC, CPTT

How To: Manifest Your Reality

To manifest something means to make your dreams, goals, and aspirations a reality by believing you can achieve them.

While of course we will only ultimately receive what Hashem intends for us, manifestation, which is based on the power of positive thinking and law of attraction, is an active hishtadlus we can employ.

Our thoughts are incredibly powerful and can play a major role in determining the course of our lives. Having a positive attitude can help you overcome your worries and fears, and help you focus your energy and actions toward the goals you wish to accomplish.

The law of attraction states that what you focus on is what you will attract into your life. Therefore, your focus and interest in something — whether it’s work-related or simply a hobby — can help you develop expertise, build networks, and in turn, attract opportunities that will help you meet your goals.

Top ways to manifest your goals:

1. Practice visualization: Research shows us that picturing your goals helps you achieve them. Spend a little time every day visualizing your goals and how you’re going to achieve them.
2. Keep a journal: You can maintain a journal where you write down your dreams and goals. If you’re anxious about them, writing down your fears can help you identify your anxiety triggers so you can work on finding solutions. Update your journal regularly with notes detailing your progress.
3. Make positive statements: “I am grateful for the blessings I have received in my life and am hopeful that I will continue to receive blessings.”

Or “I work hard at my relationships, and am excited to continue to grow in my different roles.”

Or: “I am open to receiving happiness in new and unexpected ways.”

4. Practice gratitude: While you plan for what you want, be thankful for what you have. An attitude of gratitude can help create a positive mindset.

In the News: Me in Moderation

Growth is hard, but important work. Recognizing our mistakes, working to improve our middos, and strengthening weak points is highly commendable.

Yet while it may sound counterintuitive, when we become too focused on our own growth, we risk becoming self-centered and entering a cycle of self-doubt and self-criticism that is hard to break. Too much self-awareness and correction can lead to a constant quest to perfect oneself, and a tendency toward perfectionism in general, as well as a leaning toward narcissism.

Many studies have shown the link between perfectionism and depression, and this is all the more true when it comes down to perfecting ourselves. Growth is a process, and results don’t come overnight. If you find you can’t let things go or let them be, it might be a sign that you need to dial down your self-awareness journey.

Relationship Reflections: Why a Spouse Can’t Double as a Therapist

Our spouses know us better than anyone else. Over time, we start trusting that we can turn to our spouses when looking for a safe space, to share our problems, anxieties, and insecurities. The marital relationship becomes a private and sacred entity of its own, a new world in which one can share secrets, childhood experiences, even traumas, and find acceptance and support.

The foundational qualities of a healthy relationship involve responsiveness, supporting, listening, caring, understanding, communicating, loving, valuing, and showing up for each other. Healthy sharing strengthens a marriage. The more we know about our partner, the more we know how to love and appreciate them.

Still, while we can and should lean on our spouses for support, when one spouse is dealing with intense pain or unprocessed trauma, they run the risk of unintentionally putting too much of the weight of healing on their spouse.

While spouses naturally want to help each other, the expectation that one spouse can offer the other complete healing can lead to stress and disappointment, and possibly codependency. If the supporting spouse starts finding that talking always feel burdensome; the pressure to help is intense and triggering; and that his/her needs are unmet, the relationship may no longer be balanced.

All that being said, it’s natural for one spouse to go through a tough, but temporary period (e.g., unemployment, loss of a parent, life-stage transitions, etc.) where he/she will require extra support from the other spouse, and the support will be tilted more toward one side.

Abby Delouya, RMFT-CCC, CPTT is a licensed marriage and individual therapist with a specialty in trauma and addiction.

Eternal Remembrance

Sarah Rivka Kohn

Yizkor is a tefillah traditionally said by Ashkenazic Jews who have lost a parent. It’s recited on the last day of Pesach, Shavuos (second day for those out of Eretz Yisrael), Yom Kippur, and Shemini Atzeres.

Yizkor can breed a lot of emotions. For some it brings up anxiety; it feels like they’ll never get it right. For some it triggers sadness, especially if they don’t think about their loved ones often. For some there is (unnecessary) shame at being singled out or feeling they aren’t getting Yizkor “right.”

Here are some tips:

• Become familiar with the tefillah.
• Contrary to popular misconception, Yizkor does not have to be said with a minyan. For so many, learning this is liberating, and allows them to say the tefillah in a more comfortable space. Of course, if one can say it in shul, that is the preferred option.
• Know that if you finish very quickly… you did not miss anything! Some take longer as they say it for extended family members.
• It is normal to feel numb during and after Yizkor. It’s also normal to feel emotional and raw. If you’re married or a parent to older children, you may want to give your family a heads-up about the kind of feelings you have and the support you may need.

If your shul is one of the few to still say “Kinder arois!” (call to children to leave, as those whose parents are alive leave the shul during Yizkor), I beg of you to gently ask the gabbai to stop. There are so many children who cringe each year as they stay inside….

And if you see a child staying inside during Yizkor, assume there is a reason they are doing this and please don’t tell them to leave.

Note: Links provides a Yizkor card with instructions. For more information contact Family First.

Sarah Rivka  Kohn is the founder and director of  Zisel’s Links and Shlomie’s Club, an organization servicing children and teens who lost a parent.

Turning Point

Sara  Eisemann

“A bend in the road is not the end of the road unless you fail to make the turn.”

—Helen Keller

I once learned that the Chinese symbol for challenge is comprised of images representing opportunity and danger. When we’re presented with challenge, we can either lean in to the fear, or we can embrace the opportunity for growth.

From our vantage point it can look as though we’ve reached a dead end. But if we summon the courage to look around the bend, facing whatever lurks there, we may find that the road takes us to wonderful places we never imagined.

Sara Eisemann, LMSW, ACSW, is a licensed therapist, Directed Dating coach, and certified Core Mentor.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 843)