Abba is such a good man. He tried to tell me that even now, if I don’t want the surgery, we won’t do it

Tovi

For the past half year, I’ve been standing at the top of a very steep, scary water slide, making up excuses, not knowing where I’ll find the courage to sit down and allow gravity to pull me downward.

But this week, when Abba went with Dudi to transfer the money to Dr. Barclay’s clinic, I felt like there were two strong hands on my back, pushing me. Or an unseen force that sent me flying straight down the water slide. Now there’s no turning back, and I can’t change my mind.

Abba is such a good man. He tried to tell me that even now, if I don’t want the surgery, we won’t do it. But I knew I wouldn’t back out. I saw what a burden this was for him, how worried he’d been for me. I saw Ima, who wanted so much to see me healthy and whole. I saw all my aunts and uncles, who’d collected a huge amount of money for me (that’s a big secret, though). There was no way I could change my mind now.

I saw myself. I really wanted to be fixed. My heart was fluttering with fear. Like when I was at the water park, about to get onto the slide that goes straight down. But that was over in half a minute (with me screaming “Shema Yisrael” all the way down), and this time I have 25 days until it’s done.

I’ve been using housework as a way to calm my fears. All week, Chaimke and I have been scrubbing the bedrooms for Pesach, with Ima giving us instructions the whole time. Then, on Friday night, we went to eat a catered meal at the Shaarei Chesed simchah hall. Lots of families from the neighborhood were there. Some people had just bought Shabbos food there on Friday and were eating at home, but others, like us, came to eat the seudah there and avoid having to deal with chometz in an almost-clean house.

We found a table and sat down. Then Abba and Chaimke took some mechitzahs and placed them all around our table. And all of a sudden, a little head poked through between two of the mechitzahs, laughing and calling to us, “Chumi and Suri! Chumi and Suri!”

“Avital!” My little sisters got up and ran to her, and they all spun in a circle together until they were dizzy. They had gotten to know her during the wedding and the sheva brachos, as if she were a new cousin they’d just discovered. As if she hadn’t been living within walking distance of our house for two and a half years.

“Abba, that’s Dudi’s daughter,” I told him.

“I know,” he said.

“Maybe… maybe if they’re here for the meal, too, we could invite them to join us at our table?”