Are we doing our kids a favor by trying to make things fair?

Is It Fair?

Rivky Rothenberg and Tsippi Gross

“Yanky got a bigger piece of cake than me, Mommy!”

Mommy rushes to even it out, measuring tape in hand, so that Yanky, Shaindy, Eli, and Malka all have equal slices on their plates.

Phew, disaster averted!

Similarly, when Yanky gets a can of soda in school, Tatty runs out to get one for the other kids so they won’t feel jealous.

But what happens when Yanky is 35 and has a bigger house than Shaindy? Goes on a nicer vacation than Malka can afford? Has a better job than Eli? And Mommy and Tatty aren’t there to even it out…

Are we doing our kids a favor by trying to make things fair?

How can we set them up with a “happy with what you have” mentality from the start?

We can start by making sure we model healthy money management and don’t spend more money we can afford because our neighbor or other people in our social circle are.

And when responding to the inevitable kvetch of, “It’s not faiiiiir!” we can provide our young kids with a perspective and verbiage that can shape their lifelong habits.

One idea could be cracking a joke to diffuse the situation and normalize the human experience of sometimes getting more, and sometimes getting less (assuming your relationship with your children is very good already): “You’re right, honey, I gave him more because I love him the most,” wink, wink.

Or you can just be a grounded source of information and validation for your children: “Yep, sometimes his piece might be bigger and sometimes yours is. That’s just the normal way of cutting a cake.”

Give your children words to help them process the experience: “I’m happy for your classmate’s family who are going to Mexico for winter vacation, and I know you’re bummed out about staying home. You know, it’s normal to feel jealous. When I feel that way, I try to focus on what excites me about what our family has planned for vacation. What are you excited about?”

The message that “Each family does what’s right for them,” that you give to your kids over the years, without overextending yourself or trying to make up for what’s outside of your means, will only strengthen their resilience and ability to thrive later on. The key? Your own confidence and strength in your delivery. So make peace with your own financial situation first, so your kids won’t pick up on your own resentment and frustration. Hint: You might have to practice on yourself first and think, I’m so happy for my neighbor that she has so much cleaning help. And the truth is, I wish I could too. However, I choose to focus on appreciating what I have. My lady comes once a week and imagine what my life would be like without her! The more you practice, the more natural it becomes. Bonus: You’ll end up feeling great. Appreciation does that for you. What a great skill to cultivate in ourselves and our kids.

Tsippi Gross is a business consultant and Rivky Rothenberg is a CPA. Together they started Ashir, a nonprofit that provides financial training for communities and families.

Point Out the Positive

Zipora Shuck

O

ne of the perks of working in different schools is the privilege of hearing some of the principals speak to their faculties. At a recent back-to-school meeting, I was inspired by the following devar Torah a head of a school said he read years ago, that had changed his life.

It discussed the story of a young Reuven wanting to do something special for his mother and deciding to pick some flowers for her. The Gemara emphasizes that he did this during the wheat and barley harvest, to highlight that he could have brought her a bunch of cut wheat and barley stalks, which would have been stealing — but instead, he picked dudaim, a wildflower that is hefker. And in their back and forth over the flowers, Rochel and Leah referred to them as “your son’s dudaim” and “my son’s dudaim,” indicating they were very proud of his having specifically picked them.

This gives us a window into the gadlus of the Avos’ and Imahos’ parenting. What type of household produces children on the level of the 12 shevatim? What transpires in their childrearing?

This was a household that consistently paid attention to and praised everything the children did right. Many of us tend to react only when our children do something wrong. Not so in Yaakov Avinu’s house. The children were congratulated for doing what was right and for refraining from doing wrong.

This was the environment in which the shevatim grew up. How can we create such an environment in our homes?

By not taking it for granted when our children make good choices.

By noticing and acknowledging their positive actions and choices.

By complimenting their restraint when they hold themselves back from doing wrong.

Zipora Schuck MA. MS. is a NYS school psychologist and educational consultant for many schools in the NY/NJ area. She works with students, teachers, principals, and parents to help children be successful.

Break Up the Workout

Shoshana Schwartz

The best way to strengthen a muscle is to constantly work it, right?

Nope.

Here’s why: Working your muscles harder by increasing stress causes damage to the muscle tissue. As the body repairs the damage, the muscle grows back a little stronger than it was previously. Great!

Notice that muscles don’t grow during the workout; they grow during rest periods. If you constantly challenge muscles without allowing time to heal, overuse will lead to fatigue and injury.

Self-improvement operates the same way. Pushing yourself breaks down “tissues” so they can grow back even stronger. However, relentlessly pushing yourself doesn’t foster growth, it impedes it.

Instead of unceasing labor — whether physical, emotional, or spiritual — a better regimen is to alternate periods of exertion with those of recuperation. If your inner coach is a relentless taskmaster, let her know you’ve found a better way to stay at the top of your game.

Shoshana Schwartz specializes in compulsive eating, codependency, and addictive behaviors.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 917)