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Inter-Office Memos

By Hadassa Swerds | June 10, 2025

I can only imagine the mayhem that would ensue if my boys had access to technology

’d like to take a moment to publicly acknowledge how grateful I am that my children do not have access to technology. Not just because of the way technology negatively impacts the development of their young minds, but because I can only imagine the mayhem and anarchy that would ensue if they were able to utilize those platforms to share ideas and hatch nefarious plans.

Email

From: The Desk of The Eldest Son

To: The Brethren

Subject: New Magazine Alert

I hope this email finds you all well. It has been brought to my attention that there is a new magazine for kids, now available at the local grocery. Despite the fact that our parents currently subscribe to a dozen children’s magazines, I know that I can rely on your backup when I ask them to buy this magazine as well.

As always, I will keep you informed as to whether they immediately concede to this reasonable request or whether we all need to whine/beg/plead more. Updates to follow.

Brothers Group Text:

7-year-old: Hey, guys, I want glasses. Like, I really want glasses. What’s the best way to get them? Open to ideas.

9-year-old: Do you need them? Can you see without them?

7-year-old: I don’t understand the question. What does seeing have to do with getting glasses?

9-year-old: Doctors will only give you glasses if you can’t see.

10-year-old: Keep in mind that before you get the eye doctor to give you glasses, you need to convince Tatty or Mommy to take you to a doctor in the first place.

7-year-old: Seriously? How am I supposed to do that?

10-year-old: Tell them how hard it is to see the board in class.

11-year-old: Or that it’s tough to read because the words look fuzzy.

7-year-old: Ohhh, okay, got it. Good ideas, everyone. I have a plan. Each time either parent attempts to hand me something I need or tries to talk to me, I’ll squint in their general direction as if the blinding sun is in my eyes and am unable to see anything.

9-year-old: Yup, that should do it. Best of luck.

Email

From: The 10-year-old

To: The Boys

Subject: snacks

Hey, guys,

I don’t mean to make a big deal about this, but someone keeps eating the BBQ Pringles that I asked Ma to buy. I know Ma said everyone can have some, and that it’s for the whole family, but let’s be real — I should get more than you because I’m the reason they’re even in the house.

Boys Chat:

9-year-old: Is someone wearing my shoes? I don’t see them anywhere.

7-year-old: Check under the dining room table.

9-year-old: Yeah, that makes sense. Thanks.

Brothers Group Text:

11-year-old: Anyone want to walk home from cheder today instead of taking the bus?

7-year-old: Hard pass. I do not have the energy for that kind of activity.

11-year-old: Come on, we’ll stop in at the toy store on the way home, take our time looking over all the toys until Mommy starts to panic about where we are, and then call her from the toy store to ask if we can buy toys — for no reason other than the fact that it’s Tuesday. It’ll be fun!

7-year-old: Still going to have to say no to that plan if it involves me walking with my own two feet.

10-year-old: I’m in.

11-year-old: What about the other kids?

10-year-old: They’re definitely spacing out on this chat and there is a 100% chance that they’ll go home on the bus as usual, then get insulted that you didn’t ask them to join.

11-year-old: Anyone want to actually go find them and ask them?

7-year-old: Nope.

10-year-old: Not really.

11-year-old: So we should let them have a meltdown when they get home and realize we went somewhere without them?

10-year-old: Yup, sounds good to me.

7-year-old: I have no issue with that.

Email

From: The 10-year-old

To: The Boys

Subject: Pringles

I’m serious.

STOP eating all the BBQ Pringles!

Eat your corn pops or pretzels or anything else! I’m willing to share, but I just opened the can of Pringles in the pantry and there are only crumbs left! One of you is the Pringle-eating culprit and I will take drastic action if you don’t cut it out.

Email

From: The Eldest

To: The Brethren

Subject: Update as promised

I’m happy to report that, thanks to everyone’s time and effort, we now have a subscription to that new magazine. Once again, this shows us how much we can accomplish when we work together.

On that note, I’d like to attach the monthly reminder to whine/beg/plead with our parents to take us on a road trip to Washington, DC. We have chosen this destination at random, but I’m glad to see how committed we all are to it and how we won’t accept any other option. You all have your specific assignments regarding which buttons to push. If you’re not sure what your job is, I’ll resend the spreadsheet.

Boys Chat:

10-year-old: Stop. Eating. All. Of. My. Pringles. This is a warning!! I will be hiding them. You leave me no choice.

9-year-old: Speaking of snacks, I’m on my way home from a class siyum. Whoever wants the candies I didn’t like, meet me at the dining room table in 15 minutes.

7-year-old: I’ll be there as long as it’s not the gross chewy ones that taste like medicine.