Despite the passage of time, he seems to be falling deeper into this dark mode

Moderated by Faigy Peritzman

My son-in-law is a sweet, unassuming guy, whom we love and admire. He comes from a very well-known family of askanim, people who are well-meaning, yet strong minded and action-oriented. We’ve always been impressed how he’s developed a strong self, despite family pressure and prominence. It’s essential to him to be independent, and we respect that need.

Recently, his rosh yeshivah, a great talmid chacham and an incredible individual, was niftar. While we all mourned his passing, my son-in-law, who was especially close with him, hasn’t managed to pull himself out of his mourning. Where once he was an avid masmid, trying to fit in learning at all hours of the day, now he feels like without the goal of pleasing his rebbi, he’s lost his drive to accomplish. Whenever he needs to make a decision, he gets paralyzed, shrugging aimlessly, and saying, “How should I know? I’d need to ask Rebbi this.”

Despite the passage of time, he seems to be falling deeper into this dark mode, and my daughter is at a loss how to help him. When I offered to speak to my son-in-law directly, my daughter was horrified. She feels that her husband would be insulted at our interference, as if we don’t trust him to resolve his own issues.

My mechutanim live out of town and haven’t seen their son for some time now. I’ve suggested to my daughter that she speak to them, but she feels she’d be betraying her husband by going behind his back.

Would I be betraying him if I speak to them myself? Perhaps I have an obligation to do so, as someone needs to help him quickly. I’m loathe to be in the position of an interfering shvigger, but it’s so hard to see him in so much pain.

Rabbi Yaakov Robinson is the rav of Beis Medrash Mikor Hachaim in Chicago, IL and the menahel of the Midwest Agudas Yisroel Vaad Harabbanim.

Rav Shimon Schwab ztz”l once pointed out that the true translation of the word “chassan” is “son-in-law,” and when a newly minted groom bursts into yeshivah after his engagement and announces “I’m a chassan!” he’s really proclaiming, “I have the zechus to become the son-in-law of such a wonderful family!”

This insight came to my mind when I read your question. It’s beautiful to see the warm feelings and respect you have for your son-in-law, and your concern for his wellbeing are clearly sincere and genuine.

The greatest proof that you’re interested in excelling at your role of mother-in-law is that you’re asking this question in the first place, instead of rushing in and risking becoming the “interfering shvigger” you want to avoid being. You’ve paused to think this through, and your actions are a fulfillment of the very first words of Pirkei Avos, “Hevei mesunim b’din — be deliberate in your decisions.”

Now, to address your question.

I’m certain this is a painful situation to witness, and I’m very sorry for you, your daughter, and most of all, your son-in-law. He’s clearly struggling with a deep sense of loss and is having a slow time recovering. Like all situations of difficulty and distress, we need to approach this “mei’hakal el hakaveid,” from the least intrusive option to the most.

There are three possible approaches: Indifference. Interference. Interest.

Once you’re aware of what your son-in-law is dealing with, “indifference” isn’t an option. It’s contrary to being a caring mother and is the antithesis of one of Klal Yisrael’s crowning middos of being “rachmanim.”

The second option, “interference,” is never healthy in a parent-of-married-children relationship.

Therefore, you have to find a healthy balance between showing interest and providing appropriate and appreciated support while not being intrusive.