How We Do Gifts
“We always celebrate birthdays, but we don’t overdo it. It’s all about getting together, learning something, making a hachlatah, making a l’chayim, making a shehecheyanu”
Do you give birthday presents?
I don’t do birthday parties for my kids (except if it’s a special milestone birthday), but I do make sure to give my kids really good presents each birthday. I spend about $100 per kid on their birthday and buy around four or five presents that I know they’ll love, as opposed to one big gift. I also get my parents birthday gifts. For my siblings, it depends — for example, once there was a concert right around my sister’s birthday and I knew she’d love it, so I bought her a ticket, but I don’t usually do that. For friends, I’m happy to take them out.
—Baily W.
I’m not good at this, and barely manage with my kids, though I will make a nice dinner and a cake for their birthdays. I do try for my parents because I realize it means a lot to them at their age. Otherwise, at least I’m consistent; I’m not singling anyone out here! I hope no one judges me, it’s just that life is so busy and it’s hard keeping up with family, though I do wish I was a little better in this area….
My husband and I both have mutually agreed not to get each other birthday presents. But if there’s something I know he wants, I’ll try to get it for him, or I’ll pick up a pastry he likes. I try to always be thoughtful, instead of just doing one big shebang one day a year.
—Yechiel and Shifra Jacobson
I give to my husband and kids, and parents and in-laws, but not siblings and friends. The cost varies depending on age, and if it’s a milestone. I’d say I spend approximately $30 to $50, and maybe about $15 for the younger kids. For my spouse I’ll spend up to $100.
—Boruch and Shira Berger
Sometimes. It depends how we’re doing financially at the time, depends on the relationship, depends on what’s going on at the time in my life and their life. I always give my spouse, but it’s usually something inexpensive, and also my kids, up to about $50. For parents and in-laws, I’m more likely to pitch in with siblings and get something special or bigger, up to $100. For friends I may get chocolate, a keychain, a book, or just treat them to coffee, or just take them out for coffee and it’s my treat, because it’s their special day.
—Miriam Y.
We always celebrate birthdays, but we don’t overdo it. It’s all about getting together, learning something, making a hachlatah, making a l’chayim, making a shehecheyanu. Gifts are a fun part of that; I usually get the boys a sefer and the girls something cute. It’s not a lot of money. When the kids were younger, I’d sometimes take them out bowling or to an art gallery in honor of their birthdays. It’s about the connection more than the gifts.
—Dassie Steinberg
My husband and I usually give each other cards, unless there’s something that I know he particularly wants, and then I’ll buy it for him. It’s usually a sefer.
As for our parents, when we went for Yom Tov, we would always bring a present in the $100 range. Now we’ll chip in for a big birthday or anniversary present. We don’t give birthday gifts to our siblings or friends.
My kids don’t really get birthday presents. The Shabbos of their birthday, we decorate a cake in any shape/design they want. We also buy balloons (as old as they are) and paper goods from the dollar store, and invite the neighbors or cousins for Shabbos party.
They do get Chanukah presents, afikomen presents, and graduation presents. The average present is around $100. Before every Yom Tov they can each choose their own new book.
—Heshy and Chanie Michaels
I’m a huge gift person and I for sure do gifts for spouse and kids, often parents/in-laws (especially for anniversaries), but usually that’s for a big number like a 60th, or a milestone like that. Sometimes just a note will do the trick, or an outing, something experiential.
I also do tons of thank you gifts, including for teachers. Price range depends if it’s a group thing or how close I feel to them — there are a few factors. I can often find really fun, original gifts for $10 or $20. I wouldn’t spend more than that unless it was for a spouse or a group gift.
—Ahuva Cohen
We’re not huge on gifts. I’ve gotten my husband one or two amazing gifts that he’s loved, but mostly he doesn’t want anything and would rather I don’t get him anything. He has also gotten me a few incredible gifts on milestones, but mostly we just go out to eat and are happy with that. Sometimes we’ll gift ourselves with an experience together, like a concert or a weekend away.
We do get our kids something small for their birthdays. We don’t really get siblings, parents, or friends gifts regularly, but if I find something meaningful I think a parent or sibling would love, we’ll get it as a one-off. Price range for kid gifts would be $25-ish, for adult gifts it’s a few hundred.
—Brachi Silver
We give to my parents and in-laws. For my wife’s birthday, I usually give her something small, flowers, a small piece of jewelry, a card. Sometimes we do a small family trip to explore something new in the area in honor of a birthday. The kids get a good amount of presents regularly, though. On top of birthday presents, we’re always trading in the nosh they get at school, creating charts, and buying prizes worth probably thousands of dollars a year because we don’t want them to get too hyper from all that junk food. For birthday presents we usually spend between $10 and $125/per kid per regular birthday. And it’s just a dollhouse, Lego set, ride-on horse — but those things are a fortune these days.
—Chaim Stein
I give to my wife and also to good friends. I’ll spend between $20 and $100 on a present.
—Abe R.
Yes, but how much I spend depends on how old they’re turning. For my wife and kids, depending on the age/if it’s an important birthday, I would spend between $100 and $5,000.
—Elimelech Blum
Is there an expectation that you’ll give gifts, or do you just want to give?
I only give if I want to. Financially it’s hard for me, so I give because I really want to.
—Baily W.
A bit of both.
—Boruch and Shira Berger
I love giving! It’s such a nice feeling.
—Miriam Y.
There’s no expectation of gifts, but I do want my loved ones to feel special about their birthday. This is the day that Hashem decided the world could no longer exist without them!
—Dassie Steinberg
My kids don’t have expectations, but they always have a wish list, and sometimes we’ll order something that they want just because… like if they helped me, or they’re going to camp, or it’s before a Yom Tov…
—Heshy and Chanie Michaels
It’s part of having any relationship — I want to! There is usually zero expectation, except maybe from my kids, as is typical.
—Ahuva Cohen
My kids do have an expectation. No one else does.
—Chaim Stein
I just want to give.
—Abe R.
I want to give as an expression of my appreciation and love.
—Elimelech Blum
Have you ever wanted to give but couldn’t? Have you ever given a gift even though you didn’t want to?
I have a good friend who wanted to go celebrate her birthday in style with a few friends, and the cost kept adding up. I was so worried; I’m a single mom, and I couldn’t afford what she wanted. Baruch Hashem, she realized it was a lot for her to spend on her birthday too and cancelled in the end.
—Baily W.
I always want to give but can’t give all the time; I would run out of money! And yes, once I didn’t really want to give but gave anyhow. Things were tricky with a sister-in-law and I wanted to extend an olive branch. It was near her birthday, and even though I was still a bit upset, I got her a very expensive gift that I knew she’d love, and wrote her a nice card. She was very grateful and it did help our relationship somewhat, so mission accomplished. I’m glad I gave it even though I had misgivings. I was afraid she would misinterpret it or wouldn’t like it.
—Miriam Y.
I would love to give to every simchah I attend, but I can’t, that’s just too expensive. Even for our own birthdays, some of the things my husband and I want are just too expensive, so we just don’t give/get it. Instead, we’ll just give a card with a roll of sushi or ice coffee.
—Heshy and Chanie Michaels
I definitely have wanted to give more expensive gifts than I can afford, but in that case I will just try to make a small gift extra thoughtful or meaningful, so I still feel good about it, and the recipient still really appreciates it and finds it useful.
—Ahuva Cohen
No. If I wanted to give, then I made an effort to do so.
—Elimelech Blum
Do you give gifts to yourself? If so, what’s the price range? How often and for what?
If it’s around my birthday anyhow, I’m more likely to spend money on myself, but it’s not something I usually do. Occasionally my mother will give me money and say specifically that it’s just for me, so I’ll treat myself then too. Otherwise, money is only spent on my kids, house, and bills.
—Baily W.
Generally, I buy myself things that I need or a small treat here and there. I can’t really stomach spending too much money on myself.
—Yechiel and Shifra Jacobson
I buy myself ice cream whenever I want. Just because… But that’s pretty much it.
—Boruch and Shira Berger
Definitely, all the time. In the past week alone, I bought myself flowers, chocolate, the new Yaakov Schwekey CD, AND a new book! All fairly inexpensive (although it does add up), but I believe that if I was walking around feeling deprived and resentful, my entire family would suffer. If it’s not major, I have no problem with buying myself stuff (and most weeks, it’s not that much — I was having a bad week). That said (now I’m feeling a bit embarrassed and greedy), there are PLENTY of very expensive things that I have to deprive myself of — for example, flights and vacations. So, this is a minor consolation.
—Miriam Y.
Yes. When I get a bonus at work, I will save it and use it to spend on something that I want but won’t usually spend money on — ranging between $50 and $1,000, depending on the bonus.
—Heshy and Chanie Michaels
All the time. There’s always a reason Mama deserves a gift! Books, milkshakes, fun kitchen products, or other random stuff from Amazon. Stuff for the house, a new water bottle I like, an inexpensive necklace… Price range depends on how much I feel like I’m below baseline in my self-care levels! But it definitely happens on an almost-weekly basis, maybe more like twice a month, depending on what I’m buying and how stressful life is at the time.
—Ahuva Cohen
I don’t specifically buy things for myself with the intention of it being a gift. I don’t buy a lot of extras for myself.
—Brachi Silver
Only day-to-day stuff, a funny pair of socks, the occasional takeout salad. Nothing major.
—Chaim Stein
Yes, I buy myself gifts in the form of new technological gadgets. Not very often, and it’s usually under $150.
—Abe R.
Are there any milestone occasions when you expect to receive gifts? From who? How much do you expect people to spend?
I’m not having babies, but when I had babies, I did expect that I would get gifts, although I didn’t have an expectation of how much people would or should spend.
—Baily W.
I don’t like the word “expect,” but there are certain people (like my parents and in-laws) who always get me a birthday gift, usually between $10 and $100. There was one year that my mother-in-law forgot and I was twisting myself into knots, too embarrassed to say something, but also wondering if I’d done something to upset her. That’s one of the problems with expectations…
— Miriam Y.
I have mostly girls, and my boys are still little. For a bas mitzvah, our expected norm is that the bas-mitzvah girl gets a piece of jewelery worth about $200. Girls at their elementary graduation usually get a Michele watch, which costs about $250. Girls at their high school graduation get a piece of jewelery worth about $750.
—Heshy and Chanie Michaels
Zero expectation. Maybe sometimes from my husband, but by now, I know that I need to have given him the lowdown on what I want. I will expect a card though!
—Ahuva Cohen
No expectations at all, but my husband did give me incredible milestone gifts for my 30th birthday and our 10th anniversary. I had no expectations, and I think there’s something inherently wrong with expecting a gift or with having expectations for what someone “should” spend on you. A gift is a gift; not necessary, and any gift should be appreciated.
—Brachi Silver
I don’t want to call it an “expectation” — but I am known for helping many people in tricky situations for no charge. Later in life, when they’re successful, and they want to give maaser, many give it to my kids’ school or my shul. I certainly don’t expect it, but I’m also not surprised (and the amount doesn’t matter).
—Chaim Stein
I do have certain expectations for big birthdays, like my recent 40th, or big anniversaries (anything that ends with a zero) — but for us it’s about the experience, not about the cost. So, we’ll decide together what we want to do and then go ahead and book it.
—Elimelech Blum
Who you think it’s important to gift for wedding/birthday/baby, etc.?
For birthdays, just my parents and kids (and im yirtzeh Hashem when I have a spouse, him too). For baby gifts, I love stocking up on very cheap, cute baby gifts and giving one to whoever has a baby. In fact, I have a whole drawer full of stuff ready to give out! As for weddings, that’s more expensive and harder, and I don’t usually give gifts.
—Baily W.
Honestly, my heart says everyone. My pocketbook says no one! I would rather keep gifts small and give to more people than do anything significant/expensive for just a few certain people. Everyone’s simchah is important to them, and if I can show it’s important to me too, even if it’s in just a small way, those positive feelings can last a lifetime.
—Miriam Y.
Depends for who. For family we usually chip in for vort gifts, but not really for birthdays. We also give gifts for the first baby of the family, and give to teachers on Chanukah and Purim.
—Heshy and Chanie Michaels
Baby gift can be a post-birth meal. I sometimes give a little pink or blue washcloth with it. Wedding: when my babysitters or tutors get married, and for cousins and siblings, for sure. Birthdays are harder to keep up with, especially in a big family. With friends, a gift will usually be a hakaras hatov thing or a just-because, then there’s less pressure and it doesn’t have to be so frequent.
—Ahuva Cohen
I struggle with weddings because I’m sort of in the in-between generation of being peers with the people getting married (so gifts aren’t expected) and being a generation above where gifts are. Can someone please print a guide?! I give baby gifts to sisters, sisters-in-law, nieces, friends, and chip in for group gifts for close acquaintances.
—Brachi Silver
I think it’s important to give gifts to rebbeim, teachers and neighbors, especially those who don’t have frum family or support in the area.
—Chaim Stein
Just for close friends and family.
—Abe R.
For anniversary and birthdays — just family and close friends. For weddings/bar mitzvahs/birth of a new baby — everyone!
—Elimelech Blum
Most meaningful gift you ever gave? How much did it cost and what made it meaningful?
My husband really enjoys the sefarim of one of the Acharonim. For his 25th birthday, I tracked down an old, rare and out-of-print sefer of the Ramchal and gave it to him. It cost $200. Besides that, the card is always the most meaningful.
—Heshy and Chanie Michaels
I’ve organized many group gifts like this. One of them was a book of letters for my mother’s 60th birthday, from all of her friends and family, hardbound and laid out with pictures. She felt very loved. I also once organized a very expensive photo session gift for a gan morah (from the whole gan) toward whom I really felt hakaras hatov. She got really incredible pictures that she hung all over her home afterwards. When I can’t make it meaningful, or don’t need to, the most important factor for me is something practical, that the recipient will really get use out of.
—Ahuva Cohen
One that comes to mind is Yaeli Vogel’s illustrated Tehillim that I gave to a family member. I think it was $150.
—Brachi Silver
It was a high-end piece of jewelry for my wife. My wife likes to research and compare jewelry before buying a piece, and I gave her the gift of my time and patience as she went from store to store to decide what to buy. She really appreciated it.
—Chaim Stein
A compilation video of a few musicians for a close friend. It cost me nothing but really made him feel special.
—Abe R.
None stick out. My wife and I celebrate both of our birthdays with a date night in an expensive restaurant, and sometimes a hotel stay. For big birthdays, we up that by traveling together out of state or even out of the country.
—Elimelech Blum
Do you usually give a gift every time you get an invitation?
I remember when I was getting married, some people sent checks with their response cards to our wedding. I loved that idea. I’m not in a place where I can do that right now, but I hope that one day I can mail a $36 check with every response card to any simchah I’m invited to.
—Baily W.
No, I wish I could, but I do feel there’s an expectation that wedding gifts are more than a certain amount (at least $50), and I can’t afford that.
—Miriam Y.
No. My block collects $150 every few months (depending on how many simchos there are), and we all chip in to send to every baby, bar mitzvah, vort, and Shabbos sheva brachos. Sometimes we’ll chip in $25 with another person to send to someone I’m close with who does not live on my block.
—Heshy and Chanie Michaels
No way, that’s not really the way it works in Israel, baruch Hashem!
—Ahuva Cohen
No, see above. Can someone please tell me who I need to give to and who I don’t!?
—Brachi Silver
No, we don’t have the budget for that or my wife totally would give to every single person — she’s the type to do that.
—Chaim Stein
Nope!
—Abe R.
Yes, we do. For family it can be even more, but we like to be generous with everyone, even all our neighbors. For a neighbor’s bar mitzvah or new baby, we usually give $50 to $100; for a neighbor’s wedding we usually give $100 to $200.
—Elimelech Blum
(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 937)
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