Do you have a limit how much you will spend on your children?

I don’t have a specific limit, but I want our kids to feel normal and to feel like they fit in with their friends. Our goal is always to be in the middle of the road, that our kids should have whatever the majority in their classes have or is doing. If my teenage daughter says she needs cash because some friends are going bowling, I’m happy to pay if it’s once in a blue moon. If it’s a frequent thing, I’m more likely to offer to pay half, or tell her she should be paying for it if she wants to do that often.

—Yechiel and Shifra Jacobson

Absolutely! But I can’t narrow it down to a number. It depends on the child. Obviously, I buy them clothes and whatever they need.

—Leah Lowy

I aim to give my kids what they need with a little leeway for certain exceptions. For example, if a kid wants to buy a new shirt (or shoes or sweater, etc.) and they haven’t bought a new one in a while, I’ll happily pay for it, but if they want to get more than one, they’re welcome to buy it with their own money.

—S. Kaplan

Do you pay your kids to do chores?

Everyone’s expected to help out every single day with the daily chores, but any bigger project beyond that (like organizing the pantry or getting all the books to stand up nicely on the bookshelves) will earn any of our kids $5. We’ll pay even more for lawnmowing. The kids know that there are always ways to earn money at home if they’re in the mood.

—Yechiel and Shifra Jacobson

Only if it’s an extra big thing. For example, I pay a kid to fold all the laundry every week. But besides that, no, everyone has five to ten minutes of chores in the morning and evening that they’re expected to do. Our motto is you live here, so you help here!

—Leah Lowy

We would… but for some reason our kids are against it!

—S. Kaplan

Some chores are mandatory, like clearing up, setting the table, loading and unloading the dishwasher, and taking out the garbage. I’ll pay them to do things like mowing the lawn and raking the leaves. Sometimes I’ll pay them for other things as well, just so they’ll do it without complaining. For example, since my 13-year-old is rarely home these days, I end up asking my 11-year-old to help out more but I’ll pay him $1.

—Bayla

No, but I sometimes use candy or screen time as motivators because then chores get done quicker.

—Reuven A.

Some chores are expected because the kids are part of the family. It’s an obligation and there’s certainly no money involved. Schlepping groceries, making your bed, cleaning your room, taking out the garbage, etc. More labor-intensive chores like pulling weeds, spring cleaning, washing the car, etc., will earn them chore money as a way to encourage and reinforce participation.

—Shoshana R.

What’s something you’ll never buy for your kids but you don’t mind if they buy it with their own money?

Luxury items. My girls all have a basic set of jewelry, and if they want more than that, they’re welcome to buy it themselves.

—Yechiel and Shifra Jacobson

Clothes that I don’t like.

—Leah Lowy

I don’t like buying treats during the week (unless it’s a special occasion like a birthday or Rosh Chodesh) but they can certainly buy that with their own money.

—S. Kaplan

Extras or upgrades. We bought two parakeets for the family and my son wanted another one so he bought it by himself. If he wants an upgrade on a toy we’re buying him, he can pay the difference.

—Bayla

Anything valuable or expensive (although maybe I will pay for that when the kids are much older, I don’t know yet).

—Reuven A.

Junky toys from the dollar store or arcade  and slime.

—Shoshana R.

Do you expect to be asked for permission before they make a purchase with their own money?

Even though we don’t give them an allowance, they do have their own money from birthdays, Chanukahs, rewards charts, babysitting, etc. If they want to buy something with their own money, that’s up to them, they don’t need to ask us.

—S. Kaplan

Yes, they need to ask before spending their money on big things. They can buy candy or food at school without asking first, though.

—Bayla

No, he doesn’t have to ask me. But his account is linked to mine so I can see exactly what he’s buying (or at least, from which shops), which is a huge improvement over when he kept telling me he was out of cash but couldn’t remember what he’d spent it all on.

—Reuven A.

At this point, my son is still young so he doesn’t have access to stores without me, but yes, I do expect him to ask when he wants to buy something. I also expect him to give tzedakah with his own money. Most of the time he buys things like yo-yos, diablos, coins for his collection, etc. — all of which are age appropriate. Except for small items, I’d probably expect him to ask until he’s about 12 or 13.

—Shoshana R.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 902)