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woman was grocery shopping with her three-year-old daughter. At every aisle the girl whined for a different treat and the mother responded “Don’t cry Ellen. We just have three aisles left … two aisles … one …” As she stood on line to pay the girl screamed for the bubble gum at the checkout display and the mother said “Don’t worry Ellen we’re almost finished and then you can go home and have a nice nap.”

A woman behind tapped her on the shoulder. “You sure are patient with little Ellen.”

“Oh no” said the mother. “Her name is Tammy. I’m Ellen.”

Parenting is a weighty business and it’s a responsibility that lasts a lifetime. The least we can do is milk it for some jokes.

Even better than parenting humor though is humor in parenting. It’s a tried and tested child-rearing strategy and what’s more you probably use it already. Keeping your sense of humor when confronted with trying parenting situations can make all the difference in the relationship between you and your child.

The Pluses of a Laugh

Creating a home full of good old-fashioned humor has long-term benefits for the whole family. Genuine belly laughter provides a host of health benefits. It releases endorphins which help to block pain and give a sense of relaxation and wellbeing. The increased oxygen intake stimulates the circulatory system and can temporarily lower blood pressure. And get this: Laughing can help burn calories by increasing your heart and metabolism rate even after the laugh has died down.

There are even more benefits. Picture some of your fondest memories of family or good friends and they will likely involve a whole lot of laughing and silliness — sharing a laugh is a great way to build closeness. The best thing about hamming it up with your kids is that you’re playing for a very receptive audience. Even if you have a lousy sense of humor your timing is off and you’re the type who always messes up the punch line — your children will laugh heartily. And if that doesn’t drive away inhibition what will?

Smiling Things Straight

Pain, frustration, and disappointment are an unavoidable part of life. Our children will bump their heads, do poorly on tests, and be teased by friends, and there’s not a whole lot we can do to prevent this. But humor is an important coping technique—and it’s one that can be modeled and taught.

“Sometimes, when there’s nothing to be done, the only thing to do is to laugh at the situation,” says Mrs. Beryl Tritel, MSW, whose therapy practice focuses on women’s and parenting issues. “Laughter helps lower the tension in a stressful circumstance, which makes it easier for you to deal with whatever’s going on. And when you’re able to do this, you’re not only helping yourself cope, but you’re modeling this life skill for your children, that not everything has to be weighty and serious, and that you have it within you to change your perspective on the situation.”

While waiting at a bus stop the other day, I witnessed the following scene. A father and daughter disembarked from a bus, and as the young girl walked off, she tripped on the uneven pavement and fell. Though she wasn’t hurt, she started wailing. Her father stalked indignantly over to the broken sidewalk. “Is this what hurt you?” he asked.

The girl nodded through her sobs.

“Well, then, I think the sidewalk needs a punishment!” he exclaimed and began stamping on it, and as the young girl looked on, a small giggle bursting through her tears.

Sunny-Side Up

We’re used to thinking of optimism as an inbuilt character trait, as enviable as perfect teeth. But though some people are born with a sunny personality, it doesn’t mean the rest of us are excluded from our share in the sun. Optimism can be cultivated through practice, explains Chuck T. Falcon, author of Family Desk Reference to Psychology. And flexing those laughter muscles is a very effective way of instilling children with this important life value.

“Optimism motivates you to never give up, which helps you turn failures and setbacks into comebacks and successes,” writes Falcon. “Practicing being optimistic contributes to happiness and mental health and sets a good example for your children, who can then learn this skill and reap the benefits. One great way to show and teach optimism is through humor.”

He recommends setting aside time each day with your children to practice seeing the humor in that day’s events. This exercise can help mitigate a frustrating or disappointing experience, and teach them that things aren’t as bad as they seem. For example, if a child is upset because he tore his new jacket, you can point out all the benefits of having a torn jacket: that he gets free air-conditioning, that people will be able to see what color shirt he’s wearing, or perhaps that he can attach his key chain to the hole. Be creative, the sillier the better, and before long your child will be giggling and will start to realize that tearing his jacket isn’t the worst thing in the world.

Using humor also sends the message that it’s okay to make mistakes. Picture what happens when a parent accidentally breaks a glass. She can either hit herself on the head and moan, “Oy! I can’t believe I did that! What is wrong with me?” Or she can joke, “One less glass to wash up.” If a parent has the presence of mind to use the latter approach, she teaches her children that accidents happen, they don’t mean you are a failure, and let’s move on.

Even when the ups and downs of life become a little more extreme and a child displays real anxiety over a situation, humor can help allay those fears. “If your child has a tendency to dwell on worst-case scenarios, humor can be used to help him work through these,” says Beryl.

“For example, if your teenage daughter is terrified that her teacher will embarrass her in front of the entire class for not understanding her homework properly, you can exaggerate the scenario until it’s humorous: ‘Oh yeah, she’ll probably jump on top of your desk and scream in your face, and then she’ll chain you to your chair.’ It can help her calm down, and realize that the worst she’s imagining is really not so awful.”

Using Humor in Discipline

Humor in discipline? Isn’t that the ultimate contradiction? Not at all, says Dr. Larry Cohen, play therapist and author of Playful Parenting (Ballantine Books, 2002). Turning the common conception of discipline on its head, he says that the key factor in successful discipline is maintaining the connection between the parent and the child. And the best way to achieve that goal of positive connection while disciplining and setting limits is by diffusing situations through humor and play.

When a child persists in negative behavior, for example, a parent can use mock threats instead of real ones. Rather than, “If you do that one more time I’m going to cancel tomorrow’s playdate,” try, “If you do that one more time, I’m going to pour water over my head!” While real threats exacerbate tension, mock threats release it. The conflict dissipates and the child cooperates more readily.

Dr. Cohen’s techniques work particularly well for younger children, who live in the world of play, though they are readily adaptable to older children as well. If bad manners is a sticky issue in your family, he suggests putting on a puppet show, with good- and bad-mannered puppets. Exaggerate, being as silly as possible in the game — the goal being that the child absorbs your mussar lesson in a positive, fun environment.

Does this approach sound like it rewards bad behavior with jokes and games? Dr. Cohen likens a misbehaving child to one who is cranky from hunger. We wouldn’t punish a hungry child by denying her food. “Connection is also a basic human need,” he explains. “It’s not optional, and it doesn’t make sense to think of it as a reward for bad behavior. Think instead that the bad behavior is coming from disconnection, so the solution is reconnection.”

Pediatrician and author William Sears concurs about the benefits of humor. In moments of toughest discipline, a spoonful of levity can be a big help. This is because of one of the key components of humor: the element of surprise. “Levity catches a child off guard and sparks instant attention, diffusing a power struggle before the opening shots are fired,” he writes.

For example, say it is bedtime and something tells you your child is going to refuse to go to bed (must be that mother’s intuition, which whispers that she’s refused every night for the past nine years). Why not go for the element of surprise and dress up as her bed? (Dress up as her bed? Okay, okay, it is Purim time.) You can wrap her blanket around you, balance her pillow on your head, and say in a squeaky bed voice, “Since you don’t want to come to me, I’m coming to you!”

Or, let’s say two of your sons are fighting, really tearing into each other, and one is screaming to you to come rescue him because the other’s about to choke him, and the other is insisting that the first one choked him almost to death and he’s only retaliating, and they are so entangled that you can’t even tell who is who (not that this ever happens in my house, or anything). You can either put on your battle gear, charge into the room, pull them apart and scream at them both — or, why not try really putting on your battle gear? Take out a toy sword, or a pair of boxing gloves, jump into the fray, and pretend to join in, exaggeratedly brandishing your sword or boxing the air. They’ll probably be so shocked that they’ll forget about their fight. (Just don’t let them too close to the boxing gloves.)

Humor can help with chutzpah as well. One parent says that she uses the “rewind” approach to great effect. “I asked my son to do something, and he refused in a way that I felt was not appropriate,” related Chaya, a mother of seven. “Generally when this happens, I scream at him for being chutzpadig, he yells back that he wasn’t, and the tension escalates. But I had just heard of the ‘rewind’ approach — you pause, smile, and exclaim, ‘Rewind! Let’s try that again!’ So I tried it, and it worked! My son gave a sheepish laugh and reframed his response in a more derech eretzdig way.”

But what do you do when your child has pressed all of your buttons and you have reached your boiling point? How can you possibly crack a joke at a moment when all your senses are flashing “Explode!”?

“To find the humor in a situation, you need to be able to step back from it,” says Beryl Tritel. “Try envisioning what the situation looks like to an objective outsider. You will probably find yourself thinking, ‘We must both look absolutely nuts!’$$separatequotes$$”

Once you’ve done that, it’s very easy to go to the next step: Identify the absurdity in the situation, and play it up.

It’s a tough balancing act, being a parent: To be at once lighthearted and sensitive, disciplined and disciplinarian, patient, witty, and wise. No one ever said it would be an easy ride — but it sure helps when you can laugh your way through it.

When Humor Can Backfire

As with anything, there are limits to the humor technique. There are times when levity is not appropriate, and cracking a joke at the wrong time — or the wrong kind of joke — can do more harm than good. Here are some situations when using humor should be avoided:

1. When joking around can be seen as callous. “If a child is feeling sad, rejected, or very angry, it is not the right time for jokes,” says Beryl Tritel. If a child is devastated because all her friends have turned against her, or she is being bullied, she needs your understanding and compassion, not your jokes. “You don’t want your child feeling that you’re making light of the situation,” says Beryl.
2. Stay clear of jokes that border on ridicule or sarcasm. A child can easily interpret lightheartedness as mockery (beware teenage girls, in particular). Often there’s a grain of truth to the child’s perception. “One of my sons has a strong need to feel respected, and when he’s giving a dvar Torah at the Shabbos table he gets annoyed if his siblings aren’t listening quietly,” relates Chaya. “Once, he started becoming angry and insulting toward the siblings who weren’t paying attention and, in an effort to lower the tension, I got up and proclaimed, ‘All quiet for the Supreme Chief’s speech!’ It stopped the sparring, but my son was offended and complained that I was making fun of him. Which, in a certain sense, I was,” she admits.
3. Don’t use humor if you’re at the end of your rope and will end up switching to anger. The anger will most likely be expressed in your attempt at humor, leading to a joke with a bite, which is worse than no joke at all.

Snicker through Supper

If mealtimes are rushed, monosyllabic affairs, or if it’s barely possible to get the kids to sit down for more than the time it takes to push their plate away, try a game or two.

For Younger Kids

Would you rather …

Kids can get creative laughs by thinking of ridiculous or whimsical choices. “Would you rather have arms so long they hung to the ground or three legs?” Or, “Would you rather eat a chocolate hamburger or drink cherry milk?” Or “Would you rather be an elephant with an itchy trunk or a giraffe with a sore neck?”

Tongue Twisters

Which kid can say, “Sruli’s spaghetti sits in a saucepan of sunshine” five times backward. Without laughing? Have your kids make up their own personalized tongue twisters and then have fun keeping the words straight.

Don’t Make Me Laugh

Each child must do her best to keep a straight face while one kid pulls funny faces, says jokes, or stands on her hand. The first person to burst out laughing is the loser!

For Older Kids

We’re Going on a Trip

Decide on a city and state or city and country. The things you take along must be two words: an adjective that starts with the same letter as the first letter of the name of the city, and a noun that starts with the same letter as the first letter of the name of the state or country. Example: Boston, MA. We’re taking along a boisterous monkey, a blue monster, and a beaded motorcycle. The more ridiculous the better

Broken Telephone

An oldie but goodie. One player chooses a longish phrase to whisper into the next player’s ear. The message is carried around the players until the last player announces the phrase that she heard. Everyone has a laugh listening to the goobledygook!

A Day in Review

Each family member takes turns talking about his day, but first picks a letter that is off limits. Words beginning with that letter may not be used in the description of one’s day. The words used for substitution can make these tales an entertaining vocabulary exercise. Make sure each family member gets a chance to talk.

Tabletop Games

Adventurous mothers (or desperate mothers of older boys) can try tabletop games, using pennies and goal posts. To play Table Hockey, each player places two pennies four inches apart in front of him near the edge of the table. Players must slide another penny across the table like a hockey puck. The object is to slide the penny through a “penny goal” in front of another player. The player who scores three points first wins the game. Play with the same penny goals for a game of soccer. Players will use straws to try to blow a cotton ball through a goal. The first player to score five points wins the game. Just remember to clear off supper first!