By their late teens and early twenties, young adults should develop a healthy sense of autonomy and a growing awareness of who they are: their own opinions, tastes, likes and dislikes, and an understanding of their personal strengths and weaknesses. They should be formulating ideas about the directions they’d like their lives to take. In addition, they should be caring for their personal needs, making decisions on their own, and handling day-to-day challenges.

While working to acquire this independence, most young adults who have good relationships with their parents will know they can turn to them for support and guidance without feeling controlled or forced to adopt their parents’ ideas or expectations. What happens when separation and individuation don’t take place at this time? Like Miriam, some of these young adults won’t have a good sense of who they are even years later.

When Mrs. Brooks asked Miriam to describe herself, she answered, “Five-foot-three, thin, blue eyes, brown hair” — nothing more. Where was her description of her personality and character traits, her likes and dislikes? Similarly, she couldn’t explain what she was looking for other than, “A nice boy with good middos.” Miriam had never tried to hear her own voice.

What holds these young adults back from developing and expressing their own ideas, feelings, or goals? It may stem from any number of sources. They may be afraid of disappointing their parents or facing disapproval or criticism. They may worry about putting too much on their parents who are already struggling with an overwhelming issue, such as family illness or difficulties with another sibling. A person who continually censors herself may start to doubt her own ability to make good decisions. She gets used to deferring to others instead of acting on her own opinions or wishes.

There’s another aspect of failure to individuate: Some young adults are so physically and emotionally dependent on their parents that they lack the tools to run a home or be a responsible life partner. They never learned to take care of themselves — someone else does their laundry, cleans their room, prepares their meals, makes their medical appointments, and handles their finances. Or maybe they can’t cope with challenges because their parents have always rescued them from the consequences of their mistakes and poor judgment instead of helping them learn how to deal with them. This undermines their self-esteem and often leads dating partners to view them as immature and childlike.

Not Happily Ever After

Say Chana enters shidduchim even though she hasn’t gone through the separation-individuation process. What might this look like? Chana might rely exclusively on her parents’ decision about whom to date. She’ll probably let her date make all of the decisions because she doesn’t have a preference. The young man she’s dating may find it hard to get to know her well because she knows so little about herself. Alternatively, he may be thrilled that she is so easygoing because he himself is controlling. She may end up like Miriam, unable to advance in a relationship because she’s not in touch with who she is or what she wants, and how to tell if she and her date are a good fit for each other.

Sometimes, a young man or woman who hasn’t individuated does get married. They may have been persuaded to move the shidduch forward even though they’re not sure about it. Or they may believe things will work out — and sometimes they do. In those cases, the young adult grows up in the marriage. Occasionally, they aren’t so fortunate.

Sender didn’t realize how attached Yehudis was to her parents until after they were married. She wanted to continue her freelance work from her parents’ home instead of the couple’s apartment, and she insisted that they go along with her parents’ request to spend most Shabbosim at their home. Yehudis wouldn’t agree to go to Sender’s family for Shabbos or Yom Tov, claiming her parents would be disappointed.

Sender hoped that in time, he and Yehudis could have their own Shabbos meals and she could transition to working out of their home or for a company. He suggested moving to another neighborhood, but Yehudis refused. She did agree to meet with Sender’s rosh yeshivah, who explained that the couple should be establishing a separate home instead of an extension of her parents’ home. Clearly troubled, Yehudis insisted that she could not choose her husband’s wishes over those of her parents.

It’s highly preferred for separation-individuation to take place before marriage, because it’s hard to build an emotionally close, trusting, mutually giving relationship when one partner sees herself as an extension of her parents or doesn’t have a sense of who she is. The parents may be, unwittingly or not, contributing to the problem too.

Mindy and Gavriel moved to Israel shortly after their marriage, expecting that he would learn in kollel for two years and they’d then return to New York. Mindy hadn’t anticipated how lonely she would feel in the beginning, when she was getting used to married life, trying to make friends, and telecommuting to her virtual assistant job in the US. Shopping, banking, and dealing with bureaucracy were so challenging to Mindy that she telephoned her mother several times each day, hoping for encouragement. Instead, her mother would moan, “You’re right, that’s too hard,” and “It’s killing me that you’re over there by yourself.” In time, Mindy reacted to her daily dose of “Your life is so hard, you need to come home,” by listening to her mother and returning to her.

In some cases of a person who hasn’t individuated, years of marriage will pass pleasantly and uneventfully until some trigger forces her to seriously consider who she is and what she really wants. Had she explored these topics during adolescence, she would have gone on an age-appropriate journey of discovery and ultimately figured out who she was and what she wanted out of life.

When self-exploration begins later in adulthood, the results may be more extreme. Some people, whether they grow up frum or secular, feel compelled to distance themselves from their way of life and their families as they try to figure themselves out — which may cause irreparable damage to their relationships.

Breaking Free

There’s no textbook case of failure to individuate. It can take many forms, and it can be difficult for parents, or the child, to recognize the phenomenon. Like Chana, some young adults are reluctant to start dating because they view marriage as a giant step into adulthood that they’re not prepared to take.

The Rosens realized they had a problem when they couldn’t convince their 25-year-old son, who was learning in a yeshivah near their home, to begin shidduchim. The oldest of eight, Yosef enjoyed his role as a helpful and admired big bother and uncle. “I don’t need my own family,” he told his parents. “I already have one.”

The Rosens decided that Yosef needed a push to emotionally separate from them. They insisted he move out of their home and into a dirah with other bochurim.

“It took about four months for him to realize how lonely he was and that he wanted a family of his own,” Rabbi Rosen recalls. Yosef started dating and met his future wife a few months later.

The Rosens’ solution suited their responsible oldest son, but many parents don’t need to take that step. Often, a more gradual approach can enable a child to attain independence and a sense of competence.

Rachel loved her job as a fourth grade morah. She was home by 3 p.m., which gave her plenty of time to prepare lesson plans and the creative projects that her students and their parents loved. Her after-dinner schedule was packed — shiurim, chesed projects, shopping, and enjoying her friends. Rachel was able to enjoy all of this without responsibilities at home. Her parents took care of her expenses, made her medical appointments, did her laundry, ran her errands, and enjoyed her company at the dinner table along with her younger siblings. The only difference between Rachel’s life at 22 and at 15 was her teaching job — but her parents only realized this when a good friend pointed it out to them.

A family therapist advised Rachel’s parents, “Start with her putting together her own breakfast and packing her own lunch. Each step will empower Rachel to take the next one. She can start to run her own errands — taking her telephone in for repairs, picking up her dry cleaning. As Rachel’s comfort level expands, she should be doing things like making her own dentist appointments and paying her own bills. Even though Rachel has a job, she should have some household chores.”

Decisions, even small ones, are particularly difficult for people who are accustomed to leaving them to their parents and therefore have not developed confidence in their own abilities.

“I’ve seen many 19-year-olds call their mothers if they should buy candy or flowers for their Shabbos hosts,” says a woman who mentors young women studying in Israel for the year. “They check in with their mothers several times a day. Even though they are thousands of miles away, they still ask their parents to make decisions for them.”

There’s a difference between advising a young adult who doesn’t have a lot of life experience so he or she can make an informed decision, and making the decision for them.

That was the problem with Miriam, who was capable and responsible, but didn’t have a strong sense of personal identity. Growing up in a busy household, she found it easier to go along with family expectations than to think about her own opinions and wishes.

Her mentor, Mrs. Brooks, asked her to think about answers to a number of questions to learn more about herself: “What am I good at? What do I wish I could be better at? What makes me feel happy? What makes me feel upset?” At Mrs. Brooks’s suggestion, Miriam started a daily journal, writing down her thoughts and feelings every night before bed. She also had writing “assignments,” such as listing her likes and dislikes, writing what she knew about herself that her closest friends didn’t know, and saying what these friends knew about her that others didn’t.

As Miriam began to understand herself, her mentor encouraged her to go a little deeper and write about what values were important to her and what gave her life meaning. Miriam eventually was able to do the exercise that had at first eluded her — describing where she saw her life going in six months, one year, and five years, and the different ways she saw herself getting there.

Miriam’s parents played an important role in helping her develop a sense of autonomy. It was hard for them to make the transition from the all-knowing parents to standing on the sidelines, but with time Miriam was shopping without her mother’s input and making her own plans to go away for Shabbos every few weeks. At the mentor’s suggestion, Miriam and her mother agreed to call or text each other less often during the day, and Miriam began to keep some personal information private instead of always sharing it with her mother. This process helped Miriam to stop thinking of herself as an extension of her parents, and she was finally able to describe who she was and what she was looking for.

Rachel’s parents and the Rosens realized their young adult hadn’t individuated and sought advice as to how they could guide their child through the process, while Miriam took her own initiative and then enlisted her parents’ cooperation.

Life coaches and mentors can be good resources for people who are motivated to accomplish this process. Sometimes, though, a young adult or her parents may resist or sabotage efforts to make necessary changes, and in these cases a therapist may be the address to turn to for assistance. The effort is well-worth it.

“Seeing our daughter happy and settled in her own life is so reassuring,” Miriam’s mother shares. “We have confidence now in her future; we’re no longer afraid that she’ll need someone to take care of her for the rest of her life.”Miriam concurs. “No matter when I get married, I’m proud of how I am becoming my own person.”

*All names and details have been changed.

Independance from Babyhood and Up 

Sep·a·ra·tion-in·di·vi·du·a·tion: the process of a person developing her own healthy identity and sense of who she is, separate and distinct from her parents and other family members. It begins in infancy and enables adolescents and young adults to:

• find meaning in their lives
• set goals for themselves
• make good decisions
• deal with adversity
• form healthy relationships
• feel capable and competent

Here’s how to guide your child on the path to becoming a healthy, separate adult from babyhood on:

Infants

•  Meet baby’s needs with love, empathy, and attention. This gives him a sense of security and confidence that he’ll continue to be cared for and loved.

•  Encourage play and exploration. This shows her she is a separate being from her mother and that she is acquiring new skills.

Toddlers

•  Let your toddler perform basic actions (like getting dressed) on his own to give him a sense of independence.

•  Have your toddler make small decisions by asking questions like, “Would you like to wear the red shirt or the green one?” “Which bedtime story would you like tonight?” Each step toward independence builds on the ones before.

•  Validate your child’s emotions, such as sadness, anger, or fear, and help him deal with them; this facilitates a child’s ability to understand and trust his feelings.

•  Have toddler put away toys after playtime to begin assuming responsibility.

School-age children

•  Encourage children to express their likes and dislikes — e.g., their favorite ice cream flavor or what they liked best about vacation — especially at low-pressure times such as family dinners. This sends a message that it’s good to think for themselves, and that each person’s likes and dislikes are valid.

•  Ask them to fill in the blanks: “I’m really good at X, and I wish I could be better at Y.” Encourage timid children to participate.

•  Assign chores such as setting the table.

•  Offer an allowance to help youngsters learn to make spending choices and stay within a budget.  Teens

• Adolescents can assume a greater degree of responsibility: shop for their clothing, make their own breakfasts, choose the salad they’ll make for Shabbos lunch.

• With guidance from parents, older teens should be encouraged to make plans with friends, express preferences for seminaries and yeshivos, and choose their own college majors.

Stop Saving Your Child

It’s often hard for parents to draw the line between bringing an occasional forgotten lunch to school or helping a child who’s struggling with a class project, and letting children get into the habit of being “rescued.” Regularly replenishing allowances when children overspend, dropping everything to help them finish the term paper they pushed off till the last minute), and writing excuse notes when they forgot to study for a test can keep young people from learning to make wiser choices.

Children will make mistakes. Rather than rescue, criticize, or judge, parents can suggest ways their children can deal with the consequences of their mistakes themselves. This can help children learn to deal with adverse situations.

Give Space with Boundaries 

Children learn habits, beliefs, and behaviors from their families, and we all hope that our children will grow up to share our values, world-view, and lifestyle. Discuss these subjects with children to help them think about them. When children reach adolescence, they may begin to pull away from their parents as they develop a stronger sense of who they are. They may become less open about parts of their lives, want privacy, or assert their individuality by making choices or developing tastes, ideas, or interests that are different from those of their parents.

Most children figure out ways to express themselves without rebelling significantly or engaging in risky behavior, especially when parents can give them some room for self-discovery but make the reasonable boundaries they still need. The power struggles between many teens and their parents are part of the process that enables a teen to develop her own identity and still feel comfortably connected to her parents.

(Originally Featured in Family First, Issue 602)