I so much related to the Words Unspoken written by the mother of a child who’d gone off the derech and who was upset that her daughter’s mentor was cutting her out of her life.

One of my children once confided in a friend of mine, and asked her to help arrange a therapist for her to talk to when she was going through a tough time. When I found out, I was so upset at my friend for not telling me about their conversation; she should have known that eventually it would be revealed. You can’t keep a secret like that from somebody.

Their actions were done in good faith, and not meant to hurt anybody’s feelings — my daughter later told me that she hadn’t wanted to burden me — and my friend vetted the therapist, who gave helpful advice. But despite all these positive things, for a parent to have someone else give advice to their child because the child no longer values the parents’ advice, is probably one of the most painful things a parent can go through. Not because it’s hard to let go — our children have lots of mentors — but because it’s so hurtful not to be a part of the conversation, and to not even be able to weigh in on what the therapist or the mentor is saying.

I think that there should be some sort of code of ethics for mentors. In circumstances where a child is struggling and the parents are healthy, they shouldn’t be left out of the loop. It’s only a recipe for disaster.

I’m okay with this now, even though I’m still curious to know more about the therapist who my friend picked and I’m paying for. But it’s not okay for the parent not to know anything, and for her not to be able to ask questions.

Still Hurt