For now, listen. What your child needs is a compassionate listener. And you can be that

A Letter from a Teen,  Part II

Sarah Rivkah Kohn

Last week, I shared a letter from a teen whose parents were resistant to her going to therapy for her panic attacks.

This week, I want to address parental worries.

So your child approaches you and says, “I need help.”

Can we celebrate that?

You worked hard to get to the moment where a child of yours can vulnerably share and trust in the wisdom of his/her parent. Not only should you not feel that you failed, you should quietly congratulate yourself.

So often, every other feeling other than compassion comes up.

“Uch, I’m the worst parent.”

“She’ll go to therapy, need meds, shidduchim will be a nightmare. Nooooo.”

For now, listen. What your child needs is a compassionate listener. And you can be that.

Listen. Validate. Ask questions to learn more, don’t be an interviewer, and try to give the teen a reason for your questions so it feels less intrusive.

“That sounds so hard. Thank you for telling me about it. When did this start? I’m trying to help find the root cause.”

“Panic attacks come in all shapes and sizes. Can you tell me a little bit about what your panic attacks look like and feel like?”

You don’t have to offer a solution in that moment. Tell the child you’ll do research. Ask for their input: Is there anything you need now that would help?

If you’re looking for a therapist, ask your child what matters most. Age? Type? Style? Someone who incorporates art? More talking? More skills and tools?

Parents do know what’s best for their child, and I’d never tell a parent to go with a therapist they don’t trust. However, just as a parent and child may not love the same dress because their styles are different, so, too, in therapy. Your child may want something different that’s still quality therapy. By ensuring your teen goes to a therapist more aligned with what they want, you’re helping them succeed.

On that note, it’s extremely important they understand that therapy isn’t neurosurgery. They won’t be able to be a passive participant and expect change.

Sometimes parents like to wait it out. There’s this idea that therapy works best for those who “need it,” and parents will sometimes wait until the need is outwardly obvious. The frightening statistics are that at that point, it’s far more difficult to treat. Just the same way as casting a broken arm immediately after a fall helps the bone regrow, the best way to help a child with their emotional struggles is at the earliest point.

What should a parent do if one is on board and one isn’t? This is hard. Very hard. Sometimes this happens because one spouse may be more emotionally in tune than another. Sometimes one spouse has their own fears around therapy. Whatever the reason, it’s key that parents band together. If it doesn’t happen with good communication, then work with a rav.

Don’t give up. The child needs you in their corner.

Some of us grew up hearing that the last generation had it harder, and in many ways they did.

That doesn’t mean our children don’t have hardships. Sometimes I listen to the nisyonos ranging from technology temptations, to breakdown of family systems, to anti-Semitism in the streets, to a deluge of bad news, and I wonder how I would’ve dealt with all this as a teen.

By respecting their struggle, you’re ensuring your child knows you can be trusted, and that there is hope and solutions to almost anything they’re going through.

Sarah Rivkah Kohn is the founder and director of Links Family, an organization servicing children and teens who lost a parent.

Budgeting Is for Everyone

Tsippi Gross and Rivky Rothenberg

Budgeting often has a negative connotation, but really it just means making a plan for your money.

Interestingly, we see similar money patterns in people with money and people with little money. There are those who are tight and those who have a large income, but at the end of the month, many in both categories have no idea where all the money went. We also see people who receive a long-anticipated raise, and then wonder how they’re back in the same financial situation, even with the extra income!

Budgeting isn’t just for people who need to restrict their spending. It’s for everyone who earns money. It’s not supposed to be stressful, rather it provides a tremendous amount of peace of mind.

There are wealthy people who want to support specific foundations and causes, plan for their retirement, put aside money their children’s further education and celebrations, endowment funds, etc.

Sitting down to budget merely provides the opportunity to make sure your money is going where you want it to go. It means being in control over your money, rather than wondering where it all went retroactively.

So how do you do it?

Sit down at the beginning of each month and write down how much money is coming in. Then begin to allocate the funds. Decide how much you want to allocate for expenses, how much you want for extra spending, for tzedakah, for savings, wherever you want your money to go.

Even if you’re putting a large chunk into savings and in investments, or possibly giving more to tzedakah than you originally thought you could, you get to decide where to put your money. People often wait to see what’s left at the end of the month and divide that up, but when done reactively, you don’t get to plan your priorities.

Alternatively, find a trusted advisor or money coach and work together to make a plan based on your goals.

Even when money isn’t an issue, budgeting provides a tremendous example for your children in financial responsibility, proactivity, and money handling.

Try it and let us know how it goes.

Tsippi Gross is a business consultant and Rivky Rothenberg is a CPA. Together they started Ashir, a nonprofit that provides financial training for communities and families.

Wish List  

Zipora Schuck

“I really want that.”

“Everyone has one.”

“I need it.”

Sound familiar?

It’s a common refrain of children everywhere.

How do parents decide what to say yes to? Is it money or the principle of the matter, or just not giving in to immediate gratification?

If you’re unsure about acquiescing to what your child is requesting, you can first validate your child’s interest or desire for an item, “Oh, sounds like you really want that.”

Then delay the answers by introducing the concept of a wish list for children: “Let’s put that on your wish list.”

The act of concretizing a wish by writing it helps reduce the child’s nagging because they’re no longer worried that it might be forgotten. They feel it also has significance to you. The wish list can be divided up into small, medium, and large types of items.

Periodically revisit and update the list together with your child and ask, “Do you still want this? Are we keeping this on the list?”

When you do buy them something, tell them, “It’s your birthday, graduation, achievement, afikomen, or just because... and I got you something from your wish list.”

Zipora Schuck MA. MS. is a NYS school psychologist and educational consultant for many schools in the NY/NJ area. She works with students, teachers, principals, and parents to help children be successful.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 907)