How to thrive when your spouse is in a public role

Mindscape

Abby Delouya

How to thrive when your spouse is in a public role

We’re blessed to be part of a culture in which community is paramount, and we share in each other’s simchahs and Rachmana litzlan sorrows. But while this sense of community can provide enormous support, the revolving door of other-centered obligations can feel burdensome at times, and this dynamic is compounded many times over when a spouse has taken on a more active role in the community — be it as a rav, askan, kiruv professional, shadchan, chinuch professional, Hatzolah member, etc.

While spouses of these wonderful individuals (hopefully) cosigned on the community obligations, it can be difficult to balance the intellectual knowledge with the sometimes stressful emotional reality. People in these roles can have unpredictable schedules, can be less available for their own families, and suffer from a lack of privacy. What are some tips to help when things feel tough?

1. Establish boundaries. For example, safeguard 20 minutes a day to connect without phones or other people present, and use this time to discuss emotional topics (as opposed to discussing logistics like carpool/grocery shopping/etc. — those things can be done via text or during noisier times in the day). These 20 minutes can serve as a private space for spouses to check in with each other and find out how they are really doing.
2. Treat yourself. Your spouse may not be able to easily disconnect and go out to eat, on vacation, or even just do something relaxing. Take yourself out, or connect with friends, so you can still enjoy rejuvenating experiences.
3. Find out what you like, and what makes you feel passionate. People who give to the community are usually passionate about their work/impact and that’s what drives them, but you may not be driven by the same passion as your spouse. Find out what motivates you and self-actualize (see jargon decoded below).
4. Remember that the qualities that attracted you to your spouse are probably the same qualities he uses in those roles. Gratitude lists help everything.
5. Connect with others who share your experience. Having friends who share the stressors in your life reduces feelings of isolation and frustration.
6. Find a mentor or therapist. So many people lean on you; create a support network and learn to lean on others.
7. Don’t try to do everything. You probably have less help from your spouse at home, so, when possible, outsource! Cleaning ladies, chesed girls, babysitters, and even simplifying meals/lowering certain standards can ease the burden at home. If you do a lot of hosting, or have an open home, you may need that much help.

Jargon Decoded

Self-Actualization

We throw around this term, but what does it actually mean? Self-actualization, the highest need in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, is the need to realize one’s full potential. Challenge, experiencing losses and triumphs, and evaluating our needs and personalities in the context of our families and environment, are all part of the process of internal work that leads to self-actualization.

Relationship Reflections

Nice Neighbors

We know having a bad neighbor is horrible, and having good neighbors is a huge brachah (shout-out to my incredible neighbors — especially those who are scared I’ll write about them… here I am, writing about you!). Even if one isn’t blessed with good friends on the block (or surrounded by Jewish neighbors), it’s important to at least keep this relationship neutral.

Do this by: respecting property lines — don’t trim trees or build fences that affect neighbors without forewarning (even if it’s within your rights to make whatever changes you want); stopping your kids from littering their lawn; doing some block maintenance, especially in the summer when the sidewalk may look like a freeze pop wrapper factory; giving neighbors a heads-up if you’re going to hold a large party/gathering; sending a “thanks for bearing with us” gift if you’re doing noisy construction; and offering to bring in mail if your neighbor is going on vacation.

In the News

Breathing Matters

Recent research shows that just doing five minutes a day of audible, longer exhalations can reduce stress and anxiety. Longer exhalations stimulate the vagus nerve in ways that reduce fight-or-flight stress responses on a physiological level. So take a deep breath, and let it all out.

Abby Delouya RMFT-CCC, CPTT is a licensed marriage and individual therapist with a specialty in trauma and addiction.

Handle with Care

Sara Eisemann

Trust is one of the last holdouts of the microwave generation. We’ve learned how to warm up a dinner in 45 seconds, download an entire file in under a minute, and Zelle someone $56 in eight seconds. But trust remains the one thing that has survived the compression of all that is dear. Trust is the slow-roasted chicken of emotions, which can’t be rushed. Oh, sure, you can put that chicken in your Ninja, but for that melt-in-your-mouth, fall-off-the-fork goodness, it has to be low and slow.

Trust works the same way. Sure, you can “be vulnerable” with the world and let it all out, but there is no substitute for the trust that is built over time, low and slow. In the daily commitment to showing up. In the years of holding someone safely. In the hundreds of whispered secrets that stay in the hallowed space between you.

There are plenty of cheap substitutes, but there’s no shortcut for genuine trust and no fast way to achieve it. It’s a history of making promises and keeping them. It’s a life of having love and cherishing it. It’s the repeated train of hearing a secret and keeping it, of doing something wrong and apologizing for it. If you want trust, you have to earn it. Over and over again until it bakes in.

And because it’s so fragile, trust can be broken in an instant, just like that. One wrong move that shakes it to the core, and trust is shattered. And while repair is possible, the process of rebuilding will be even more tenuous. Betrayal cuts a wound so deep that repair will need to be exponential. So if you’ve earned trust, hold it close. For it lies at the root of all that is sacred.

Sara Eisemann, LMSW, ACSW is a licensed therapist, Directed Dating coach and certified Core Mentor.

Power of Presence

Shira Savit

Mindful eating is not just about paying attention to the smells, tastes, and textures of the food in front of us. It’s also about having a present mind. Consuming thoughts (I wish I had more self control. Why can’t I just stop after one? Why did my neighbor lose weight so easily? Will this food make me fat?) affect our bodies physiologically. Eating while having worrisome or distracted thoughts can slow down our metabolism and our body’s calorie-burning capacity.

When we allow ourselves the experience of eating in the moment, with present energy and mindful thoughts (I am making a choice to eat this food; this is my hishtadlus right now; this food makes me feel energized), we will likely enhance our digestion, benefit our metabolism, and be more attuned to our natural hunger and fullness levels. When we eat mindfully, we gift ourselves with healthy nutrition, for mind and body.

Shira Savit, MA, MHC, INHC is a mental health counselor and integrative nutritionist who specializes in emotional eating, binge eating, and somatic nutrition. Shira works both virtually and in person in Jerusalem.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 831)