Cross these questions off your list — because I’m not going to answer them

Dear Prospective Mothers-in-Law, 

Looking into a shidduch is exhausting, and I want to make your life a little simpler. Before you call me to ask about a friend, you can feel free to cross these questions off your list —because I’m not going to answer them.

“What hasn’t worked with the others?” you want to know? None of that is relevant to your son. I can tell you the previous bochurim were too loud, but maybe when the perfect even-louder person comes along, he won’t be too loud at all. I can say that they weren’t adventurous enough, but when she meets the right one, she’ll like him, no matter how boring he is.

All of that aside though — whether the question will give you relevant information or not — it’s simply none of your business. I get that people in shidduchim are items in the shop window, available for whoever wants to come by and stare, but that’s enough. They don’t need to sacrifice any more of their dignity. You don’t get to ask about past shidduchim — it’s not yours to know.

I know it’s hard to believe, when everything about the person is on display, but some things are still private.

And about your next question, “Can I kindly list some of her weaknesses?” Absolutely not.

I know exactly what they are. I know that she often interrupts others who are speaking, complains about having to babysit her siblings, and backs out of commitments. But what I know and what I owe to you — a nameless stranger — are different things entirely.

My job on this call is to be my friend’s advocate. I’m here to highlight her strengths. We all know that no one is perfect, but I’m not going to answer when you ask why not. For your own sake, don’t read between the lines. When I say that I won’t list her faults, it’s not because she has such horrific ones that I can’t say them out loud. It’s because she’s my friend. And friends look out for each other.

On that note, please do not ask me to compare two girls. Are you choosing a new work horse at the local cattle show? I can’t summarize people into a list of pros and cons. And as a friend, my conscience won’t allow it.

It’s impossible to compare two people without making one sound less-than. I can tell you Chaya is nicer. “Oh, so you mean Miriam is mean?” No, that’s not what I said at all. I will not escape that conversation without sacrificing someone’s reputation, so I will not enter it — no matter how hard you push.

Which reminds me — please don’t push for answers to questions I don’t want to answer. Know that this phone call goes two ways. You can choose to ask whatever questions you want, and I can choose not to answer them.

Our codes of conduct, our personal morals, they still apply during shidduchim. Lashon hara is still an aveirah. Ahavas Yisrael is still a mitzvah. And if I need to choose between your side or my friend’s, please know in advance that I like her more.

Signed,

Your prospective daughter-in-law’s shidduch reference

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 749)