An important shopping tip: Don’t bring boys to clothing stores. Go alone and buy pants in every size and style they can possibly wear

I

grew up in a family of four girls, so it was a surprise for me to become a mother of boys. They’re adorable, but it did take some experience to figure them out.

This is what I discovered: Boys don’t like clothing. They don’t like to shop for clothing, they don’t want to pick out clothing, they don’t want to have anything to do with clothing.

Exception to the rule: When I took my son for his first suit, he was a bit excited. But the excitement was short lived. He had a look of pure horror when he found out that he had to go to the tailor to get the suit shortened, which meant that he had to try on the suit again, then take it off, and then put his own clothing back on. It was back to status quo — not liking clothing.

There is a plus side to this. Shopping for clothing doesn’t require too much imagination — black pants, khaki pants, blue pants, and shirts that match all three.

That said, my boys have a hard time finding pants that fit.

If you too have boys, I have some advice for you.

First, an important shopping tip: Don’t bring boys to clothing stores. Go alone and buy pants in every size and style they can possibly wear.

Better tip: Do your shopping online.

Next, in order to find out which of the pants you bought fit your boys, you’ll need to have a try-on session. This is a 15- to 20-minute session, scheduled at a convenient time for everyone, including your husband. Having your husband there is a necessity, not a luxury. You need two adults using very firm, army-general voices to get the boys to heed you. Taking off pants and putting on pants until you find the pair that fits is a very difficult activity for boys, and they need a very strong hand to help them.

Getting Started

Three days before the session, you need to announce every day, morning and night, that there will be a try-on session. You need to delineate the time (best is right after dinner) and place so they know this is serious business.

To reaffirm and cement the seriousness of the event, look each of them in the eye and say in your army-general voice, “Daddy will be there to help….” The eye contact and the mention of Daddy will ensure that the directive permeates the anti-trying-on-clothing section of their brains.

The complaints will not start right away, because three days sounds like a long time away. You’ll have a reprieve. But on the third morning, when you should be making your fifth announcement, the grumbling will start.

Don’t get sidetracked. The complaints will range from regular whining, “Do we have to?” “Why do we have to try on the pants?” “Can’t we do it another time?” to defiance, “I’m not doing it! I hate trying on pants!”

There will also be complaints that pull at your heartstrings. “My stomach always hurts me when I try on the pants, new pants are always so rough and scratchy, I always get a rash….” Some complaints will stump you (usually from the boys who’ve already started learning Gemara): “If we try on pants now, Mommy, who knows, we might have a growth spurt soon, it’s not even worth it….”

At this point, you can take a minute to appreciate the really good complaints, the ones that show they know how to think, the ones that have started to possibly convince you to forgo the trying-on session. But then harden your heart and stand strong. Optional: Try saying things like, “I hear how much you don’t like to try on pants. You sound so frustrated and annoyed.”

You’ll most likely be feeling tired by then, and your energy and enthusiasm for the trying-on session will start to flag. This is the time for a visualization exercise. You can pick from the following three scenarios:

1. It’s a very busy morning, it’s your car-pool day, the baby is crying, the oatmeal is burning, the phone is ringing, it’s two minutes before you need to leave, and your child is saying, “Mom, none of my pants fit me. I can’t go to school today.”
2. Your children are actually leaving for school on time and you’re getting ready to have a bit of quiet time. You gaze lovingly at them as they walk out the door and then you see it. All your boys are wearing too-tight and too-short pants (with white sweat socks showing). You’re slipping down a downward spiral of worry, obsessing and tormenting yourself about how they’ll ever manage to get dressed normally without you. Visions of their shidduch prospects going down the tube obviously follow.
3. You just put your baby down for a nap and you get a phone call. “Mom, you need to come get me, I split my pants….”

The Session

You are now ready for the actual try-on session. Make sure that dinner is something that everyone likes: mac and cheese, hot dogs, or pizza. Boys need to be well nourished for activities they hate. At dinner, say in a very excited, singsong, upbeat circus-master voice, “Remember, tonight we’re trying on pants! Everyone is expected in the bedroom right after dinner!”

As soon as dinner is over, herd all the boys into the bedroom. This will not be easy, but remember, you can do this; you have it in your DNA — our Avos were all shepherds. Send up a quick prayer: “Please, Hashem, let them each find a pair of pants that fits them. Let the store have that pair of pants in every color I need.”

There will be more complaints. There will also be attempted escapes, and impromptu searches for hidden boys. Stay calm and carry on. Once they’re all in the bedroom, place a chair in front of the door. Have your husband sit on it. You should have prepared all pants in piles in your room, one pile for each child. Hand your husband a pile and the corresponding-sized child. He can do double duty of guarding the door and helping with trying on.

Now is the time to call up that army-general voice again. Order your child to try on the new pants.

Confusion will ensue.

There will be more complaints, ignore them.

There will be boys and a parent who have the wrong pile — they’ll switch piles and it will still be wrong. There will be crying, whining, and pants all over the place.

Take deep, yoga-like breaths. You are a bastion of calm in the storm. Have a pen and paper on hand to write down the child’s name, size, and brand of pants that fits him best. Then give a firm nod in your husband’s direction and say, “Chaim is a size 12 slim in Old Navy skinny pants, you may allow him to exit.” Chaim will triumphantly crow to his brothers, “I’m all done and you’re not….” and will promptly flee. There will be more panic and confusion.

Don’t lose heart. Continue as before until all boys have tried on their pants. Then release them all. Let them unwind from their terrible ordeal.

The try-on session will have taken all of 15 minutes. You will have a headache and you will want to lie down for a few days. But, chazak ve’ameitz, thank Hashem that they all found pants that fit them. Daven that you can find more pairs in those sizes. Sit down at the computer and look for the colors and sizes that you need. Hopefully, your prayers will be answered.

If not, don’t despair, just repeat the above.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 682)