I have no more tears left. This is beyond crazy. I slept like maybe five hours last night. I bawled my eyes out. In good company. My entire family was red-eyed. I can’t believe the extent to which Uncle Dani has gone. It’s hard to take. Everything all at once. First Ima, then Uncle Dani. It’s hard to get either one off my mind.
I watch the rain cascade from the heavens, the droplets coming thick and fast. They mingle with my tears. My heart is in shards. Am I dreaming? Maybe one day I’ll wake up and laugh from my absurd nightmare! Not. Happening. Any. Time. Soon.
I need strength to carry on. I need to get away, chill a bit. I think I take life too hard. Yet it is hard. No one’s claiming it’s not. I sort of spilled the whole story to Ayelet. She understands me — to some extent. Yet she’s a bit too flippant about it. I feel… exposed, sort of. Should have kept my mouth closed. I am usually not that open. But I just needed a shoulder to lean on, to have someone to confide in.
This is too much! Hashem, please tell me what You want from me! You sent me a challenge so I can grow stronger, of that I’m sure. And then another. I feel like I’m being bombarded. I’m helpless. I just want to forget. Forget Uncle Dani ever existed. Forget anyone ever existed. First came Ima’s diagnosis. Then everything else. I think it’s because I see so clearly how our lives revolve solely around avodasHashem, that Uncle Dani’s rejection hurts our family so much.
Savta’s pain, Sabba’s pain. And Hashem’s! He feels our pain, too. And if He’s willing to go through this with us, there must be a reason I’m meant to internalize. Yet this is so hard for me. Do I sound old? I feel like I’ve seen and experienced life through a lens most girls my age haven’t witnessed. I hope I’ll be able to gather the pieces of my heart and slowly piece them back together. A glued heart isn’t the real thing, but it’s better than one in pieces. I have to try and think positively.
