“T

hen I, too, will do the same to you; I will order upon you confusion…” (Vayikra 26:16)

 Rav Shmuel Dovid Walkin once said that if you look at our lives nowadays, you’ll see that confusion surrounds us. We’ve lost the trait of patience. For example, intercity travel has progressed to the point that no one would opt for a wagon or horse. Even car, train, and jet travel are considered time consuming — we don’t even have patience for them.

We think our fast pace of life is a result of modern progress. We consider it a blessing that the average person owns many gadgets to makes tasks faster and better. Yet the side effects — a lack of patience and daily acceleration of pace — mean that we’re constantly rushing and confused. (Rav Zalman Sorotzkin, Oznaim LaTorah)

It was supposed to be a short follow-up appointment at the doctor. But his regular office was booked, so he told me to come to his Shaare Zedek office. The day was very hot; after I parked and took the elevator to the eighth floor, I was already exhausted. It was only 9 a.m. I took three wrong turns until I found the right receptionist. I checked my watch. Five minutes left. I’d made it.

“Name, ID number?” The woman didn’t bother looking at me as she typed, her long, lacquered nails clicking against the keyboard. “You’re not on my list. You don’t have an appointment.”

“But I even called to confirm.”

“You spoke to me?”

“How should I know? I think it was an automated service.”

“Tell me your name again.” She typed briskly. “Not here. I checked all patient files in Shaare Zedek.” She looked straight at me. “You don’t exist.”

I love Israelis. They can say a line like that without batting an eyelash.

“I’m standing right here and I have an appointment at 9:15!”

“Nothing I can do about it.”

“So what should I do?”

“Try Outpatient, second floor.” She turned to the next patient. I didn’t exist to her.

Our perception of progress is flawed. It’s a curse, not a blessing. We’re not running from our own needs for advancement and progress. Rather, we’re pursued and pushed by it from Above. The chaos that surrounds our life isn’t a result of modern progress, but a punishment, since we didn’t have patience in our service of Hashem.

Outpatient sent me to Administration on the fourth floor. They sent me to Personnel on the seventh floor. An hour later I’d been told several times I didn’t exist. Whatever was left of me was falling apart. I took the elevator once more to the eighth floor and dragged my dizzy self to the receptionist.

“Yael on floor four said you should take me in even if I don’t exist on the computer.”

“She doesn’t know what she’s talking about.”

“So who does know what they’re talking about?”

“I do. And you’re not here.”

“But I’m right here!”

She shrugged that classic Israeli shrug. “Not my problem.”

My doctor chose that moment to poke his head out of his office.

“Hi! What are you waiting for?”

“To prove I’m me. That I’m here. I exist.” I was babbling by now.

“Well, you’re right here, so come on in.” I almost mustered up the energy to pull an Israeli shrug at the receptionist as I passed her.

The pasuk before this says: “And if you despise My chukim and reject My mishpatim…” then the curse of confusion will come upon you.

We don’t serve Hashem with simchah and patience. The mitzvos become a burden and we start to pick and choose which mitzvos to keep. Even those we observe, we do with haste. Hashem measures each person according to his deeds. So He says, “Just like you lost patience for avodas Hashem, so too you’ll lose patience in your own work. Just like your legs run to do bad, so too you’ll run and scramble in pandemonium all day.” It’s all because we didn’t serve Hashem with patience.

A whole morning wasted. Somehow lately that seemed to be the theme of every day. Running around trying to prove I exist.

I walked through the door just as Yitzi came home. “You look like you need new batteries,” he said cheerfully.

Maybe Energizer’s the answer. Then I’ll just keep going and going. Although, what’s my goal? That’s neither here nor there.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 591)