The core of our relationships with our fellow Jews are the things that we don’t do to each other

“Do not take revenge and do not bear a grudge….” (Vayikra 19:18)

If you examine the mitzvos bein adam l’chaveiro in the beginning of parshas Kedoshim, you’ll notice that almost all of them are mitzvos lo saaseh — negative commandments.

A non-Jew once approached Hillel (Shabbos 31a) and requested that he convert him, on the stipulation that Hillel teach him the entire Torah while he stood on one foot. Hillel responded, “What’s distasteful to you, don’t do to others. That’s the entire Torah.”

Western culture has a Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

L’havdil, Hillel expressed it in the negative: “Don’t do unto others that which you wouldn’t want done to you.” Why did Hillel choose this passive approach? (Rabbi Shlomo Caplan, Mishulchan Shlomo)

Inseeking a doctor, I often give more weight to professionalism and a pleasant personality than a lot of fancy diplomas covering an office wall. We’ve all met the diploma type of doctor, the one who peers at you over her reading half-glasses and says in a snooty voice, “You must be mistaken about how many hours you’re exercising as your weight doesn’t reflect that.” Ouch.

I once had a doctor for a complicated pregnancy who thought he was higher than G-d. Total chip on his shoulder. I felt vindicated 30 seconds after I gave birth, when my baby got him dirty.

Hillel’s concept demonstrates that the core of our relationship with our fellow Jews is the things we don’t do to each other.

In any relationship, we must ensure that the other party suffers no pain or loss on our account. This is far more important than any chesed we can perform for him.

This principle is the most important part of all bein adam l’chaveiro, yet it’s also the most disregarded part. People tend to pay much more attention to what they can do for another than to what they shouldn’t do. When people do chesed, they feel like a “nice guy.” This gives them a sense of satisfaction, recognition, and approval. They may not perceive this as their motivation, but it has a subconscious effect.

Thankfully, there are plenty of good doctors around to help. So based on my criteria for choices, Dr. Rosenberg* seemed like a perfect fit. She was pleasant and professional, albeit a bit particular about rules and regulations, but I could handle that. Her office was far, plus there was zero parking, but pleasant and professional outrank that in priorities. I’d been seeing her for years.

Yet, how often do we find ourselves speaking lashon hara about our close friends or family? Consider also the prohibitions of taking revenge and bearing a grudge that are violated among family and friends. And for those who aren’t close friends, we make rationalizations for sinas chinam, not paying debts, and dishonest dealings.

In bein adam l’makom this type of inconsistency can also occur. Sometimes people focus more on doing favors for Hashem than on actually submitting to His authority.

When Shaul returned from the war with Amalek, Shmuel chastised him for not killing all of their animals as Hashem had commanded. Shaul responded that he wanted them as sacrifices for Hashem. Shmuel answered, “To obey is better than a choice offering” (Shmuel I, 15:22).

My last visit to her was a Monday afternoon. All smiles and at my service, the visit proceeded along its regular lines until she got a personal phone call. Her face darkened, but she apologized to me in a sweet voice and took the call.

“Where are you!?” She snarled to the caller. Her personality was totally transformed. “I told you that you need to pick up Tali today.” Her voice rose becoming strident. “It’s twenty minutes after dismissal! Why aren’t you there? Don’t give me excuses! Get there!” and she slammed down the phone.

Uhm, I think it’s time to find a new doctor.

But nonplussed, she turned back to me with another smile. “Husbands,” she said with a resigned shake of her head. “You have to nag them about everything. I’m sorry for the interruption.”

Sure thing, lady. You treat him like that, no wonder he doesn’t do what you ask him to.

Methinks it would have behooved the very professional Dr. Rosenberg to have said the Hippocratic Oath under the chuppah: First do no harm — at home.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 942)