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et’s be frank. Kol haschalos kashos. Every week you promise yourself: this Sunday I’ll start. Next thing ya know, its Monday again. So here are my directions for finally getting into the groove of Pesach cleaning.

Always start with the master bathroom. This room is a little-known minefield of hidden chometz.

First, the medicine cabinet. Take one item off the shelf and check the expiration date.

1.) Does the date end with “BCE”?

2.) Is the date the birthday of any of your siblings, children, or grandchildren? (Ah, happy coincidence!)

3.) Is it two years or more past the use-by date?

If you answered “yes” to question 1 or 3 … do not throw it out. At least not right away. Instead, ask yourself:

1. A) What’s the worst thing that could happen if I take this medicine? (If your imagination is sluggish, just Google “moldy nose.”)
2. B) Have I used this product within the last 12 months? Or 12 years?
3. C) Do I even know what this is?

If you answer nothing, no, and no, the next step is to unscrew the cap. What do you see? Fungus? Any other living, breathing organism? Even if so, do not throw it out. (Oh, I know what you’re thinking: Get rid of it! But no! Don’t take the coward’s way out!) Place the item in Pile A. Later, call your pharmacist in one of those lazy moments of leisure just to shoot the breeze, and try to get free advice from him about how to safely discard this item.

If you don’t see anything moving in its depths, but still can’t identify the contents, put it in Pile B, and later, make sure to ask each of your children, single or married, if they have any clue what’s inside this bottle.

If you recognize it, or it’s something you use often, or it’s not expired (as if!) put it back on the shelf.

Once you’ve dealt with each item individually, take everything out again. Rearrange to suit the theme of your choice. (Later, you can challenge your spouse to identify the theme.) Your work is not done. Take everything out again. You haven’t even bothered to wipe off the shelves!

Next, move on to your pile of publications. You know they’re there; don’t pretend otherwise. Peruse them carefully on the floor of your bedroom (the bathroom tiles are too cold). Set aside the magazine marked “This may be your final catalog!” or “Is this goodbye?!” Put them in some prominent place so you can order more useless products. Order soon or you may never get another magazine filled with Hawaiian flowered muumuus, crocheted bedspreads, or miracle fat-melting cream. And don’t forget the stainless steel reusable straws. (Product review: “Don’t know how I managed thus far without them.”)

When your husband takes a break from industriously cleaning the seforim shrank to ask, “Are you okay up there?” yell down “Yes!” then run the vacuum cleaner over your carpet here and there for effect.

Next, take your shoes off and climb into the shower. Combine any half-full bottles of shampoo and conditioner. They need not be the same brands. Johnson’s Baby Shampoo and Swashbuckler Body Wash make a nice mix. It’ll give your babies or grandkids a little more oomph.