A crucial social skill is the ability to take turns and respond appropriately in conversation

Share the Mic

Zipora Schuck and Devora Schuck

I recently met a friend who shared with me that her husband was accepted into a prestigious medical school. She was surprised at the responses she received when telling people the news. Instead of congratulating her, here were some of the initial comments.

“My cousin was going to go there ten years ago, but he ended up somewhere else.”

“My brother’s a doctor and still has tremendous student loans. Even worse, he works so hard and barely sees his kids.”

“College campuses are crazy nowadays. Are you seriously letting him go there?”

“I visited that city once on Chol Hamoed, there was nothing special to see.”

A crucial social skill is the ability to take turns and respond appropriately in conversation. There are many different aspects and nuances to this. The first part is to let someone share their news or information and respond directly to what they’ve said, without interjecting yourself into the conversation.

“Guess what, my son got into Yeshiva Derech Gemara! He was so lucky to be accepted!”

The correct response would involve some type of congratulatory wishes.

“Mazel tov! That’s wonderful news. You must be so happy. Your son sounds like a special boy.”

After that’s said, the listener can gauge if an additional personal connection would be welcome:

“My nephew was a talmid there four years ago.” Or “I went to high school with the rosh yeshivah’s wife, what a small world.”

Never is it appropriate to make a disparaging remark or ask a question loaded with negative intent, such as:

“I can’t believe people are still trying hard to get their boys in when there are so many better choices.”

“How much did you have to pledge to the building campaign to guarantee a slot?”

In conversation, someone who can’t share the mic ends up being viewed as a selfish listener when they hijack the communication to focus on themselves. Sometimes they begin to play “Can you top that,” also known as “I had it worse.”

Chaya says, “I wasn’t feeling well last night.”

Chana responds, “Well, last week I had 103, I was literally shaking with fever.”

A better response:

“Oy, I hope you are feeling better now. It’s the worst to feel sick.”

After the speaker answers, one can add, “I think there are a lot of viruses going around, I came down with a bug just last week.”

Unfortunately, it happens both with good tidings, mundane information, and even in difficult settings such as shivah houses. People come to do the great mitzvah of nichum aveilim and often use the time to talk about their own loss, or question the avel about decisions made for the niftar.

“I remember when my grandmother was niftar, how broken my grandfather was…. like, how would he go on?”

“Did her doctors try to get her into an experimental trial? Did your family push for that? That might’ve helped.”

Let’s teach our children  this skill by modeling it when speaking to them and also to others.

We can also teach it intentionally to younger children by purchasing a fake microphone and giving the people in your house a chance to speak. The listeners need to make eye contact, focus on what the speaker is saying without interrupting, and respond once they get the mic by commenting or asking appropriate questions without talking about themselves at this point in the conversation.

Sometimes when children are young it seems cute when they personalize the conversations, but those children often grow into teenagers and adults who make every conversation about themselves.

Zipora Schuck MA. MS. is a NYS school psychologist and educational consultant for many schools in the NY/NJ area. She works with students, teachers, principals, and parents to help children be successful.

Devora Schuck LCSW is a psychotherapist who treats anxiety and trauma in children, teens, and young adults.

Sort Out Your Status

Tsippi Gross and Rivky Rothenberg

When starting a new job or additional work, it’s important to understand if your employer is classifying you as an employee or a subcontractor. While it may not seem significant at first, this distinction affects how you’re paid, your tax responsibilities, and what benefits or protections you might be entitled to.

Here’s why you should care. Employees have taxes deducted directly from their paychecks. They may also receive benefits such as health insurance, paid time off, or retirement contributions. In addition, they are covered by workplace protections like minimum wage, overtime pay, and anti-discrimination laws.

Subcontractors, in contrast, are independent workers. They are paid in full, without tax deductions, and are responsible for handling their own tax payments, including self-employment tax. They don’t receive benefits and they cover their own expenses, such as equipment or travel. Subcontractors also don’t have the same legal protections as employees, and they are expected to manage their work independently.

In some cases, companies misclassify workers, treating them like employees by setting hours or providing tools while still classifying them as subcontractors. This can leave you with responsibilities you didn’t plan for, like higher taxes or unexpected expenses, while missing out on benefits or protections.

The IRS has criteria for determining whether someone is an employee or a subcontractor. Factors include how much control the company has over your work, whether you set your own schedule and provide your own tools, and whether your income is consistent or task-based.

Before taking on a new role, clarify your status. Ask whether taxes will be deducted, whether you’ll be expected to cover your own expenses, and what benefits, if any, are included. Reviewing these details upfront can help you avoid misunderstandings and plan accordingly.

Tsippi Gross is a business consultant and Rivky Rothenberg is a CPA. Together they started Ashir, a nonprofit that provides financial training for communities and families.

When Rest Isn’t Best

Hadassah Eventsur

Emotional regulation is an executive functioning skill — it’s the brain’s ability to adjust emotional and energetic states as needed. Someone who struggles with emotional regulation may find it difficult to motivate themselves to tackle mundane care tasks when there is a deficit of desire or energy to complete it. In this scenario, moving from a sitting to a standing position can feel like scaling the Himalayas.

For someone like that, the idea of relaxing with a coffee upon getting home from work before tackling a care task may be counterproductive. Sometimes, it’s more efficient to tap into a strong energetic state when it’s present, like putting up dinner immediately after coming home from work, before even sitting down.

When age-old advice doesn’t work for you, do what works for your brain.

Hadassah Eventsur, MS,OTR/L is an occupational therapist and a Certified Life Coach in the Baltimore area. She is the founder of MindfullyYou, a program that supports frum women who struggle with executive functioning.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 924)